Their father keeping hold of 300,000euros of money

[SeaEagleFeather]

Asking for advice because I just don't know how to handle it with the kids.

The short and simplified version is that the children's father was lent 300,000 and is now claiming it was a gift. Due to an aspect of dutch divorce law that I didn't know at the time, we won't be able to go to court :s

Right now I'm not saying anything to the children but the time will come that I have to. Either he will start the injured innocence act and I am -not- keeping my mouth shut any longer, or else in 10 years' time I'll have to tell the older one as he'll be an adult, various facts will come to light at that point and it will affect how he sees his dad.

How have other parents handled it when it's come to light that their ex has kept a huge amount of money that wasn't meant for him?

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Why would anyone lend someone €300,000 and not have a loan agreement drawn up? That is just stupid and asking for the person not to pay it back.

[Allnamesaregone]

How is that relevant to the children? Who lent him the money?

[inwood]

Well it's a bit of an unusual situation so I'm. It sure you're going to get much of a response from other parents whose partners have kept a large amount of money that wasn't for them.

Are you implying he's stolen the money? Who from?

[PlanDeRaccordement]

It’s not something I would tell the kids. That is dumping divorce problems on them and making them your emotional crutch. I’m just saying the story of the loan is fishy. No one would just hand over a €300,000 loan without some paperwork. It was most probably always a gift.

[LovingLola]

Do you think that you should be entitled to a share of the €300,000 loan? And does that mean that you also think of it as a gift?

[Yecartmannew]

I'm thinking it was "borrowed" from the DC inheritance/trust fund which is why it will come to light when the first one becomes of age to claim it?

[PlanDeRaccordement]

If it was taken from a DC trust fund, then OP would be able to take her ex to court because that’s not a divorce issue, that’s a breaking the law surrounding trusts issue. Unless he’s split the trust so that OP manages what’s left and he manages the 300k, which would be legal.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Did a parent lend money to both of you?

[SeaEagleFeather]

laurie you're closest.

The time will come that they do find out and Im just wondering how the hell to handle it.

[Qgardens]

What does the parent think to it then? Is it your parent?

[SeaEagleFeather]

it's someone who is in loco parentis to me. My family is difficult and he's become the children's grandad - the oldest is named for him. He's the one we turn to for advice and love, and as he has no family of his own we are now his. He has a grandad flat in the house when he comes over.

He thinks that the ex is going to make things very difficult for co-parenting if we go after the money and unfortunately there's a clause in the Dutch divorce law which means that reclaiming it would be hard. It's a case of an apparently-honest and trustworthy man turning into a complete shit when divorce is on the horizon. Both of us trusted him financially - I know, I know.

Its what to tell the children really, when it becomes necessary, that I am strugglign with.

[inwood]

Tell them the truth when they are old enough

[LaurieFairyCake]

Surely any money will have to be repaid from the sale of property?

[SeaEagleFeather]

Sadly not. The Dutch law is pretty ferocious sometimes.

[TeacupDrama]

so does dutch law say that if 300,000 was lent to both of you he gets 150,000 and so do you and its up to you to repay 150,000 but if he chooses not to repay his share of the 300,000 as there is nothing on paper there is nothing you can do about it and the 300,000 is technically a marital asset

[SeaEagleFeather]

Exactly :(

[TeacupDrama]

so now you feel obligated to pay back 300,000 euros but you only have 150,000 as your share so though you have in law split the assets; you are much worse off than he is as he won't pay back his share so he is 150000 up and you are potentially 300000 down as you feel obligated to pay it all back it really sucks

[SeaEagleFeather]

It does. I never believed he was capable of this. He's paid back other loans.

When the time comes maybe the best thing is to tell the children the truth, but not for years. It's going to badly upset them.

[AustinRd]

Or how about not getting in the middle of this and letting the person who loaned the money to him take it forward with him. I understand your emotional investment and that I’m his actions don’t sit well with you but this isn’t of your making. Keep your communication open with the “Lender” but please don’t take on his responsibilities.

[SeaEagleFeather]

The original question was how to handle it in regards to the children.

it's going to rub very raw when I try to teach the younger that you always have to repay money.

[AustinRd]

I understand that but in this instance teach them through action. You are responsible for your debt and not that of others, so make that differential now.. You show them that open dialogue with your lender is key always but especially when there are problems. Sticking your head in the sand is never the answer (which is essentially what your ex is doing).
I’ve always taught mine “never a borrower or a lender be” mainly because it ruins friendships/relationships but I appreciate that for some that’s a bit idealistic

[SeaEagleFeather]

I generally hold to "never lend more than you can lose" (have helped a couple people get on their feet a bit in the past) but I can really see the point of never borrowing or lending.

The ex always sticks his head in the sand, yes. Anything he doesn't want to see, he won't.

I guess I'll have to sit down when they are much older and tell them. It's part of their inheritance the shit's nicked, becuase I'm adopted-grandad's heir. Hopefully he will leave his money to them too but by now I've no idea what he's capable of.

It's probably years off, but it's the disillusion in their father that is the saddest.

[Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies]

I’m really struggling to understand why your children would ever need to know details of the loan. It does sound like you want your children to know about it. How could they possibly know an inheritance was smaller because of a loan, which’ll probably be ancient history by then? And it’s also worth remembering that an inheritance is never a certainty.

[LovingLola]

What age are your children?

[SeaEagleFeather]

12 and 6. The 12 year old has seen that something has changed in the way I deal with him, but ofc I havent told him what. But I'm afraid I am unable to make conversation with him the way I could; I kept trying to be civil and pleasant for the childrens' sake and because I did love him, but right now I can't look at him.