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My ex is having my 2 month old baby and he won't tell me his address

(86 Posts)
Cariad2020 Fri 08-May-20 10:16:31

Hi all,

Husband left me when I was pregnant, he wouldn't tell me his address while I was pregnant but told me I would be told when our son is born...

Son is now here and he told me an address which I later found out he moved out of as it was on rightmove for rent, I confronted him about it as I thought my son was at an address he wasn't at, he's admitted that he's moved but still won't tell me where or even the town. He also moved while on lockdown so I have no idea if he's in a house share or living with someone!

I have put my foot down and said until I know your address, my son won't be coming to yours. I've even said I'm happy for him to go to his parents house as I know that address however it is 2 hours away and he could just take him back to his.

It makes me uncomfortable that I don't know where my baby is going, I'm a first time mum and he has no family or friends locally so if there was an emergency, I would be the closest but I don't know where they are! He tells me I have no 'legal right' to know his address and I've googled it and it looks to be true..

I've tried to reason with him, I've spoken to a mediator and have an appointment to see if we're eligible for mediation but in the meantime he's threatening me with taking me to court and I'm scared the judge will bollock me for not giving my son access to his dad. He has PR as well.. I want my son to see his dad but I really don't think it's fair that I don't know where he is going. He still has a key to our home!

Any advice? Do I just drop it and allow him to go or stand my ground? I know my son won't be affected as he's only 2 months so won't remember this going on but I don't want the guilt of punishing my son by not allowing him to go to his dad's!

OP’s posts: |
dementedpixie Fri 08-May-20 10:22:50

I wouldn't be sending my 2 month old off with him. Can he visit your son at your house?

Harakeke Fri 08-May-20 10:36:21

There is no way I would be sending my 8 week old baby away for the night. Especially not to someone he doesn’t stay with regularly. Even without the address debacle.

Your ex sounds like a peach. hmm

Do you think he’d go through with his court threat? I don’t know anything about the system so hopefully someone will advise you on that but surely the courts would agree baby is very little to be going on overnights to a non resident parent?

Amichelle84 Fri 08-May-20 10:40:33

I would not let him go there, simple.

whatswithtodaytoday Fri 08-May-20 10:41:51

I wouldn't be sending a two month old anywhere without me, and no court would expect you to.

userabcname Fri 08-May-20 10:42:10

No way in hell would I let my 2 month old baby somewhere I don't know! Would your ex be fine with it if you moved house and didn't tell him to your new address? Let the stupid fucker take you to court - he's blatantly trying to upset you.

Rebellenny Fri 08-May-20 10:44:17

Agree with pp your baby should not be away from you at all at this young age especially not overnight. He would have no luck getting the courts to expect such a new baby to leave his mother for any amount of time x

Windyatthebeach Fri 08-May-20 10:48:03

Wait until a judge gives him contact op. He is a bully and you need to tell him to get stuffed.
Your baby really really doesn't need anyone but you right now.
The fact he is happy for your baby to not be with you makes him a shit df.
Ring the police if he gets aggressive or violent.

AnotherEmma Fri 08-May-20 10:50:27

He can threaten court all he likes but you can't actually go to court without trying mediation first (or getting a certificate to say mediation isn't suitable).

I don't understand why not allowing your son to see his father would be "punishing" him, he's 2 months old, he needs the security of being with his primary carer (you), and if anything it would be punishing him to send him off with a stranger (yes his father is a stranger to him atm). Contact should be established very gradually and sensitively in an age appropriate way. If your ex isn't willing to do that he can fuck off.

sunflowersandtulips50 Fri 08-May-20 10:56:10

Your baby is only 2 mths. Your ex can visit him at yours and he shouldn't be having him overnight. Most judges would agree that he can have access but not overnights until after 6mths. I think you need to stop trying to push visits. He left you , he can sort out mediation if he doesn't agree with your proposals and /or go to court. Step back
And focus on your baby

FreshStart13 Fri 08-May-20 10:59:13

Different country so not sure if UKs the same, but overnights are unlikely to be ordered by the court at that age here. Little and often is the recommended mode of contact for babies. As in an hour or 2 a couple times a week. Could ex see him at your place? Obviously not an option if abuse is involved. And I don't know if lockdown would allow that. If you can afford it I think getting legal advice would be a good idea.

Cariad2020 Fri 08-May-20 15:46:17

Thanks for all of your advice, I'm getting different responses either I shouldn't be letting him have him or the law says I don't need to know so I was worried I was doing the wrong thing!
He hasn't had my son now on two different occasions and would rather not see his son than to give me his address which is such a shame but it's his loss!

OP’s posts: |
sunflowersandtulips50 Fri 08-May-20 16:22:34

Sounds so stressful for you when you should be enjoying your new baby. Let your
arsehole take you to mediation.... doesn't sound like he will but enjoys being abusive from afar..... he is likely saving face for friends and family by stating your stopping him from seeing his son but in truth isn't bothered

Aquamarine1029 Fri 08-May-20 16:29:01

Let him take you to court. There's no way you should this.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 08-May-20 16:30:12

*allow this.

SallyR12345 Fri 08-May-20 16:31:01

Just as in divorce, a Judge's first concern is to ensure that any children of the marriage are provided for and as secure as possible. Certainly at your baby's age I don't think a Judge wouldn't entertain the idea for one minute. Do you really think a Judge would say "yes, you must let him take your baby and it's ok you haven't got a clue where they've gone." Not a chance.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 08-May-20 16:32:00

Also, my bet is that he is living with another woman. Probably the reason why he left you.

Cariad2020 Fri 08-May-20 17:20:41

Well I thought that a judge wouldn't morally agree to it but the law is the law. See what happens anyway, if he wants to take me to court then so be it.

Yes every person who knows about the situation has said he's cheated or is with someone, but I've tried to get him to tell me the truth as his excuses for leaving we're absolutely pathetic.. he's adamant he hasn't cheated or with someone, problem is he is very secretive, manipulative (blames me that I'm being crazy) and doesn't speak to his family about the whole situation so I'll never be able to confirm it. I've even said nothing would change if I did find out the truth and my son would still be in his life, I wouldn't ever use my son to punish him

OP’s posts: |
june2007 Fri 08-May-20 17:28:25

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say use parents. (or friend/family member) As point of contact however I am sure if a mum sai she dind,t want ex to know her address everone would support that idea. Why you split up is irelevant if no history of domestic abuse.

Hunnybears Fri 08-May-20 17:37:48

I totally agree with not sending DC unless you know the address. Anything could happen and you may need to know incase of an emergency.

What I don’t agree with is the comments saying ‘my 2 month old wouldn’t be going anywhere regardless of address’

Just to point out, it’s your child not your possession! Dad has as much right to have DC as you do

Wonkydonkey44 Fri 08-May-20 17:40:54

I would not be letting anyone take my 2 month old baby to an address I didn’t know ! No way in hell!
Get some good legal advice flowers

copperoliver Fri 08-May-20 17:45:11

I wouldn't let my son go to his house overnight at 2 months anyway, the baby is too young to be away from his mum, even if I did know the address,
He could take him out for a few hours and that would be it until he got older, if he complained he could take me to court. X

copperoliver Fri 08-May-20 17:47:55

Let him take you to court it will take him ages anyway. I don't believe him about not having anyone else he wouldn't be so secretive otherwise. X

RoLaren Fri 08-May-20 17:52:03

8 week old baby stays with mother. I don't even know how you can let him out of your sight for a second, never mind to an unknown address. I shudder to think about it.

DianaT1969 Fri 08-May-20 17:52:52

Even if he gives you an address don't let him take the baby until a judge states he can have him overnight. You owe him nothing. The baby doesn't know who he is or care.

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