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Told husband how I feel. Feel so lonely.

(17 Posts)
JustBeingMoi Tue 05-May-20 09:37:57

So I sent this message to my husband. I can't put it any clearer than this all I receive is 'OK' as a response. I feel so alone.

Aren't you fed up of pointing fingers and finding someone to blame. I known I am. I don't know who is to blame for this mess, most likely both of us. All I do know is that at times I am so incredibly unhappy. I hate how life can be at the moment. There are times when I see tiny glimmers of hope, but there are times when the things you say to me make me hate myself so much it is physically painful. And I can't live like that.

This is what you get with me. The good, the bad and the downright miserable. Except the only times I feel miserable, is when we are arguing, or you are calling me names. I want this to work. All I have ever wanted in my life is a family, and a quiet life. I don't want to be rich, just comfortable and happy. I don't want to throw that away. But I cannot live like this any more. The ups the downs. It's just one long emotional rollercoaster, but I can never predict what is going to happen next. It's just stressful. When I say that I can't do this any more, I don't say it lightly, because that would mean throwing everything we have worked for away. I so wanted to do so much more with you. More than anything else. I wanted to go on adventures, I wanted to sit in pub beer gardens, I wanted another child, I wanted to grow old with you. It is not just a snap thought that makes me want to throw that away. But I cannot live like this.

The reality is, at times this situation makes me despise myself. Makes me doubt I am a good person. Make me doubt everything I tenuously though I knew about myself. I am emotional, but I thought I was strong. I am argumentative, but I thought I was kind. I am moody at times, but I thought I was also generous. I don't believe any of those things any more. I worry I'm a narcissist, I worry I'm uncaring, I worry I'm unkind, I worry I am a bad mother, I worry I'm incapable, I worry Isla will grow up to hate me, I worry I don't pull my weight, I worry I'm too emotional, too easy to tears, too selfish, thoughtless, self centred. And deep deep deep deep down, I know I'm not, I'm just a human, who makes mistakes but tries bloody hard. But that gets harder and harder to remember. And all I am left with is that I'm a failure.

OP’s posts: |
namechange469 Tue 05-May-20 12:30:29

I didn't want to read and run op. I read this and cried, honestly I could have written it myself.

I can't offer any help as I am in the exact same situation (less a child) after a 7 year relationship.

I hope you manage to sort it all one way or another xx

IAmLegendaryExtra Tue 05-May-20 12:36:36

This is so sad, I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is that some men mature at a very slow rate and lack empathy. I know that doesn’t really help but do what you can and don’t dwell on all the negativity.

This is your only life, try to make it count.

IAmLegendaryExtra Tue 05-May-20 12:36:53

And please accept these flowers

Tiny2018 Tue 05-May-20 12:46:53

It's highly unlikely youre a Narcissist if you're questioning it.
You sound lovely, don't ever let a man make you feel that way, it's not worth it.

WhiteWriting Tue 05-May-20 20:29:16

You poor love. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Be kind to yourself x

coco123456789 Wed 06-May-20 22:29:11

This is me too, I keep thinking I must be a really bad person but the only person who seems to think I am is DH

TooTrueToBeGood Wed 06-May-20 22:37:17

Is that your child's real name in there or did you change it? You might want to get MN to edit your post if it's her real name to avoid anyone identifying you.

JustBeingMoi Thu 07-May-20 07:33:35

@TooTrueToBeGood thank you I hadn't thought of that.

OP’s posts: |
Cherrypie3456 Fri 08-May-20 00:14:04

Aww lovely. So heartfelt and heart breaking at the same time .
How long has it been like that. ?

Your clearly not a failure if you are putting all that out there for him. What he does with that is up to him - but if he doesn’t give you anything more than ok, I would suggest you are fighting a losing battle, with him and yourself emotionally.
Could you try couples therapy if this is a new revelation to him. ?
What you have said I have felt like that. And then I decided no more. I’m not fighting for it anymore. Focus on me , and what I want, and what feels right for me. It’s hard, but I made peace with husband of 15 years not been the right guy for me anymore despite 3 kids together.
You can’t change him. Do you think he will reflect on what you put and want to make it better?

JustBeingMoi Fri 08-May-20 08:33:37

@Cherrypie3456 thank you for responding. We have been like this pretty much since having a baby. Unfortunately this is not news to him, and although things may improve for a while, they also never change permanently. I think I know things won't change, and I'm just exhausted with the emotional rollercoaster.

OP’s posts: |
happytoday73 Fri 08-May-20 08:43:19

I am so sorry dear. flowersSounds horrible.... And I agree it can't continue...

What do you want from this message? I'm not clear. I doubt your husband is which is likely reason for OK reply...

Is it explain how you feel (which you have done well) on the hope can discuss
and things change?
Or are you telling him it's over?

getdownonit Fri 08-May-20 08:57:25

Do you want him to give you support, which would be natural? Or can you get that support from family or friends? If he can't support you and you want (and need) to change the way you feel about yourself, then it's time for you to work on that on your own (either in the relationship or out of it).

Do you think he feels the same way? How old is your dd? Can you reach out to health professionals?

JustBeingMoi Fri 08-May-20 09:52:41

@happytoday73 I'm not sure really. It's not like I haven't said this to him before. I think I have expected miracles to happen and now perhaps realise they won't. I

OP’s posts: |
JustBeingMoi Fri 08-May-20 09:55:07

@getdownonit I do want his support. But I also appreciate he isnt going to change, and I'm building or rebuilding other support networks that I have perhaps let go during our relationship. I have three sisters, who are wonderful, and a couple of very good friends, for which I am truly lucky. I haven't told anyone how bad things are until recently, but I am being much more honest with people now, which is incredibly helpful.

OP’s posts: |
getdownonit Fri 08-May-20 10:11:22

I'm glad you have that support network and are starting to use it. When you feel stronger in yourself, it will be clearer how you want to go forward, with or without him. There's no need to make a decision right now, focus on yourself for a bit and see where that takes you?

madcatladyforever Fri 08-May-20 10:20:30

I am convinced that most men don't want their lives disrupted by kids, they want to be the centre of attention.
And I also think you've spent far too much of that letter self blaming. I have told him what a shit he's being and how fed up I am of him.
I'd tell him I expect more than this losy behaviour from a partner and a father and it's time he grew up.
Don't blame yourself OP.

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