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I need advice/help please

(11 Posts)
merlie Sat 02-May-20 12:26:26

I apologise in advance because this post is going to be all over the place I really don’t know where to start. I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years. We’ve had 3 children daughter (5) son (4) and baby (10 months). I want to leave my husband but I don’t know where to start. My husband has never hit me but he scares the living shit out of me and is emotionally and financially abusive. He would do something wrong and when I expect an apology none would be given and in the end I’d be apologising some how. Financially I’ve got no money and am totally dependant on him. He’s the main breadwinner and makes quite a lot of money. I’m not allowed any money in my bank accounts even though I’ve asked him for an allowance a couple of times. He said if I want something I need to ask and we’ll look in to it. I look after our three children, I clean the house and cook different meals for lunch and dinner every day because he can’t eat the same thing twice in one week. I do all the shopping trips for groceries, school runs, doctor or dentist visits too. At some points of our marriage it used to be good but I realise now that is only because I kept my head down and my mouth shut to not make him upset or unhappy with me. I have always dealt with this type of behaviour from him and have completely lost myself and who I am. It’s my bad choice of marrying him that now my children have to suffer and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. My children are starting to become scared of him. Last week he threw a water bottle at my son because my son was having a tantrum and he shouted at him so badly because he was crying. At that point something in me snapped and I shouted at him to leave my son alone. He didn’t like that one bit and proceeded to slam all the doors in our house. He threw out my mobile from our bedroom on to the floor and closed the door to show me not to come in to the room. Since last week I’ve hardly spoken to him and I’ve tried to talk to him today but his attitude has been disgusting. I said I want an apology for his behaviour and then we can go from there and he will not give me one. He said he sees where he stands with me now and that I need to carry on. Please if anyone out there can help me or give me advice I would be so grateful I don’t have any one else to turn to as I am totally isolated from any friends I once had and my family live abroad so I can’t ask them. Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Otter71 Sat 02-May-20 16:38:40

Have you got anywhere to go if you leave? Take it from someone who held out way too long on similar circs that he is unlikely to go.
Not letting you have anything for yourself is financial abuse. All of what you describe sounds like coercive control. Report it to the police because it almost certainly will get nasty and even if they never do anything much, you need the paper trail.
Is he still working or are you all stuck gone together? If possible get your essential paperwork and some bits for each of you stored at a trusted friends house when he isn't there.
Contact the women's centre and get help with moving forward.
And go now before the kids have been totally poisoned.
Good luck.

Yellowshirt Sat 02-May-20 20:50:51

Merlie I was financially abused for 10 years and I have the bank statements to show this.
West Mercia police in Telford were not interested and neither were Halifax Bank. My credit is knackered as I have 3 ccjs but the worst thing I did was leave my home as I've now lost it along with my car and my daughter. All to my ex wife.
I wish I could help more. I can't and I'm sorry.
All's I'll say is be careful if you leave your home. My ex changed the locks and I've no access.
Make plenty of phone calls to domestic abuse charities and get as much advice as you possibly can before you jump ship.
Everyone claims they will help you actually no one is interested.
Stay safe and do whatever is best for you and your children to start your life again.
My support has been so bad my mental health is at rock bottom.

Soontobe60 Sat 02-May-20 20:59:38

@merlie

You need to leave asap. It has been announced this week that there is a new system tomget urgent help for those suffering from death mestic abuse, which you are. Every Boots store in the country have been trained and if yOu go in, go to the pharmacy counter and ask for a 'Consultation room' they will take you into a room where you can access advice and support. Local councils have also been directed to put victims of DV to the top of any waiting list for housing.

wobytide Sun 03-May-20 00:50:38

You need to leave as it's abuse but also you aren't engaged in the relationship as you've taken ownership of your children. Nothing good will come of this if you both stay

Yellowshirt Sun 03-May-20 02:03:32

@merlie do not listen to people saying just pop Into boots the chemist and leave your home. Do not leave your home unless you or your children are in danger.

Soontobe60 Sun 03-May-20 14:40:33

@Yellowshirt

Would you advise she stays put and wait for him to batter her? She needs to know what her options are, and whether she can have him removed from the property.

Yellowshirt Sun 03-May-20 14:53:20

@Soontobe60 . She has stated her husband is not violent. Unless she has thousands of pounds in the bank she will not get him removed.
Have you any experience in a domestic abuse situation? Have you lost your home and everything?
You think boots the chemist will help her get him out of the house?

Chumpnomore Mon 04-May-20 19:38:06

I just wanted to say this made me so sad and Im so sorry you have been living with such a horrible situation.
I have not been in your situation but I would, like others suggest, try to piece together as much information about your finances as possible. Do you have access to a private email? The organisation rights of women offers helpful advice. Please reach out to someone. You need advice and support and you are entitled to it. Take care

GlowOwl Tue 05-May-20 14:06:36

@merlie you need to have a consultation with a solicitor, many offer a free half hour or one hour consultation. You may also be applicable for legal aid. In order to satisfy the legal aid criteria you will need to show that you are a victim of domestic abuse (and low personal finances). Domestic Abuse takes many forms including emotional, control, psychological and financial as well as physical. If you contact refuge or women’s aid, they will either assist you or put you in touch with your local domestic abuse service. Often a letter from them will satisfy the legal aid agency, or a letter from your GP. Do all this before considering leaving the home but ensure that you protect yourself and keep distance between you and your husband in the meantime.
A solicitor will discuss with you the option of applying for an occupation order. This can be done without notice to your husband (so he does not know about it until the order is granted and served upon him). It would mean he has to leave the home and it will also detail who has to pay the mortgage and any outgoings pending a resolution between you in the future. These orders last for six or 12 months (but can be extended) and can be a good time to consider formal separation or divorce proceedings et cetera.
The difficulty at the moment is the lockdown measures, your husband would have to have somewhere else to go where he would not be putting others in danger. If this isn’t an option at the moment, still arrange a consultation with a solicitor (this can take place by telephone or zoom et cetera) they can then have the application prepared and ready to be filed prior to the lockdown measures are ceasing which hopefully won’t be too far away.
It sounds as though you could also benefit from the protection of a Non-molestation Order which would prevent your husband from being able to send you any horrible messages directly or indirectly or via any third party such as a family member. Therefore as someone else has previously advised, keep all text messages, a diary of what has been occurring and change the passwords on your emails and phone.
Finally, if you are granted legal aid, this will cover your divorce proceedings and the financial settlement or proceedings. if there are assets and your husband has a good income then you are entitled to a share of those assets and it is likely some periodical payments or spousal maintenance during the minority of the children, plus child maintenance (around 25% of his net income for three children).
There is a safe way out of this, you just need to think practically, believe in your worth and seek out the help and support that’s there. Best wishes.

user765 Tue 05-May-20 16:17:59

This is most definitely coercive control and I would say call the police, report him, have him arrested and change the locks while he is in custody. However, this is unlikely to happen and unless your life is in imminent danger with a proven history of physical assault by your ex, in my experience the police are reluctant to do anything.

Please also bear in mind that with these kind of relationships, it is often when one partner tries to leave and / or leaves that the abusive partner steps up a gear and becomes more violent. Your husband has begun to show violent behavior to your children. This will not go away, and most likely will begin to escalate.

Is there anywhere at all you can go with your children? Are you able to access any money at all? I would suggest trying to siphon some away to build up a fund in order to make an escape, I.e. so you can go an rent somewhere. You need to pack emergency bags for you and your children so that you can make a swift getaway.

You do not have ‘nothing’ and are not financially dependent on your husband. He wants you to think that you are. There are some zero deposit rental properties out there. Once you are on your own you can claim housing benefit/ child tax credits/ income support. It won’t be easy but it will be a start and you can build your life back up to how you want it and raise your children in a safer environment.

Your husband will most likely make your life hell once you leave, but it will be less hellish than the life you lead now, and there will be a way forward to a happier future. Xxx

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