This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
New mum needs help(4 Posts)
Hi mums. Its going to be a long thread but I need someone else’s brain on this as I am losing my mind about my relationship (and that I fucked up big time)
So I am from a very traditional background and had to marry someone I just met (on a dating website) because of pressure from my family. I was 28, single a very successful career at one of world’s biggest global company.
He had told me that he was divorced before. I noticed that he had lied about his education (said he did double masters, MBA etc whereas it turned out later it was a postgrad diploma). We dated a few months and he asked my for marriage. I was so stressed due to pressure from my family that I asked him to speak to my family. They found him suitable (as he had a reasonable job) and said yes.
So as we were getting close to marriage I realized that he had temperament issues. One day we were driving and a woman drove past by, I don’t remember whos fault was it but she said “watch your fucking way” and he responded “you watch you fucking bitch”. There were a few more instances where he lost his shit so I could hear alarms ringing in my head.
Anyway we still got married and a month after I found out that he was still on dating app and askig other women out for a drink, flirting with them, calling them beautiful etc etc. One day I caught him in cinema with someone and he lied on my face that it was one of her friends and that I am being insecure etc etc. Anyway he apologised later. But after a few months it started again and he goes out lying to me (saying he is meeting his close male friends. Friends that I have heard of but he never invited them home). He was going out at night after dinner even when I was pregnant. Every time I knew he was lying but I ignored it because I didnt think I was going to live with him and that I was going to leave him. My baby is 2 months old now and I am 100% certain that he will keep his “secret friendships” as having a baby doesnt change a person’s character.
Another thing is temperament. He has lost it many times and shouted at me so being a calm person, I am a bit scared to confront him with anything now. We have had huge fights over money issues. He is always belittling me and putting me down saying we dont save enough. Whatever I have peft every month I send it to a joint savings account but he never seems happy. We have some joint investments back home and whatever we have left in savings is usually spent on our house work (actually its on his name and he is paying the mortgage). I have never asked him for any money and always buy my stuff on my own but he has never said anything nice about my money management and always seems unsatisfied (hecomes from a lower middle class background and has a lot of responsibility back home. Supprts his parents and 2 younger siblings).
The deal breaker was when I was pregnant I found out that he was married to someone else for SPOUSE VISA. It was a contract marriage, so basically he was married to 2 women at that time (one which he told me about when we first met) and one PAPER MARRIAGE which he hid from me. I went though his phone and it turns out he was also sleeping with other women at that time. just broke me, not for myself but for my daughter as she will have a father like this and how hurt she will be when she gets to know all this. I went through a trauma in 2nd trimester and didnt think the baby will survive but she did. I have never told him that I know this but I am done with him and want to use this card to get rid of him eventually.
Another thing. We have zero emotional connection. He never kisses me or hugs me. No physical intimacy. He is never interested in sex with me. I never share any feelings with him so we have zero emotional connection.
I am not financially dependent on him either. He is very disrespectful towards women, said a lot of awful stuff about other women that mostly includes their looks.
I feel disgusting and disappointed in myself to get myself trapped into this scenario and hid my head in sand to avoid problems. Now I have a 2 months old babyz
He loves his daughter. He is very helpful with household chores. Looks after her even at some nights so that I can sleep. He is caring but with all of the issues above. I just dont know what to do. I am also trapped in this Corona situation. Today we had an argument ahout house extension which will cost £20-£30k and I dont want to burn my hard earned money when I know I am not going to live in this house. I cant go anywhere right now with a 2 months old because of lockdown and I have no family here. All of my family is back home and I cannot travel either.
Please help me as I think I have gona through so much trauma I might just go crazy now
And there are so many other things... i am just tired of typing and I just cant cope with the stress that comes with letting this out..
No advice OP but so sorry you're going through this and didn't want to read and run. Love to you and your daughter. Please see a solicitor and I hope things improve 💐💐
Yes so he went out again yesterday for 4,5 hours. After a couple of hours he messages I am with this “guy” will be home soon etc.
So I spoke to him last night about everything and he called me sceptic, insecure and said I have mental health issues and I should go back to my pills (I once told him I tok Sertraline for anxiety for few months). Now everytime he uses it to attack me to make me think there is something wrong with me.
Please login first.