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My husband secretly filmed me

(124 Posts)
Mae3 Wed 25-Mar-20 07:57:11

Hi,

Just after a bit of advice. I've been with my husband 7 years. We both have a dd from previous relationships and also a dd together. Our blended family works really well.

I know our sex life isn't the best because he wants it more than I do. We do have good sex but most the time I'm just letting him have it even though I don't feel like it. He has asked to film us lots of times but every time I've said a clear No.

Few months ago he bought a spie cam. I took the delivery which he then quickly took from me. Then because I'm logged in to his amazon account (he has prime that I use) I got a delivered notification so saw what it was. He was quite angry and confused as to how I knew what it was as he'd tried deleteing it and stopping me from finding out. He also tried lying and saying it was a dash cam but what he had ordered could not be used as a dash cam!

He apologised and all was forgiven.

Fast forward a few months and he buys a sporty watch. Says he needs it for work. After a few days he wears it in the bath (we often bath together) I thought it was odd and questioned it but he just said it was water proof. Then while having sex I noticed it placed in front of our lamp facing us, so I asked if it had a camera in it. He said no. He looked at it and said I can see why you would think that but it hasn't. At this point I don't trust him. I asked him to show me the watch he bought online. He said he bought it from another amazon account so I can't see everything he buys. Which doesn't make sense because he bought my mother's day presents on the one I can see! Anyway I found the watch and it did have a camera. He'd filmed us 😔 He just said yea it does and walked downstairs. He watched the footage and then came back upstairs and said sorry and that he'd deleted it all. I literally haven't spoken to him since.

I don't know what to do. Do I break up our family and leave him because he has completely disrespected me. I'm just at home looking after our little girl and my teenage daughter while we're on lock down. My girls are amazing they're so good. They've not picked up that we're not talking. He's at work most the time thankfully.

Thanks in advance for any advice. Please be kind.

OP’s posts: |
maa1992 Wed 25-Mar-20 08:02:15

Phone the police. This is illegal.

Mae3 Wed 25-Mar-20 08:06:39

I can't do that to our daughter though 😔

OP’s posts: |
madcatladyforever Wed 25-Mar-20 08:06:41

Phone the police for advice and withdraw all sexual services. Move into another room. He has to understand the consequences of his illegal actions.
Tell him why you are doing this.It is up to him to sort out this mess, counselling at the very least and maybe even prosecution, otherwise this will just go on and on.

RightOnTheEdge Wed 25-Mar-20 08:07:33

That is absolutely terrible OP. There is no way I could forgive that. I'd certainly never be able to have sex with him again, he's a revolting creep.

How could you ever feel safe or comfortable in your own home or trust him again? It is also a criminal offence what he did.

I think you should also think about your daughters do you really want them around a man like this?
If one of them grew up to marry a man like this what would you advise them?

whymewhyme Wed 25-Mar-20 08:10:07

God how awfull thats so creepy and sleezy, i would seriously think what is best for you but for me i wouldn't put up with that, its your right to not want to be filmed!!! He will do it again. what exactly is he doing with these films? ( apart from the obvious) I'd check your computer, he must be putting them somwhere!

oooompa Wed 25-Mar-20 08:18:47

Reading your post made my skin crawl.

I honestly could not stay with a man that disrespected my boundaries and outright lied to me and recorded me like that.

I would have kicked him out after finding the spy cam to be honest.

Please consider whether you want to waste the rest of your life with this low life pervert.

PaulinePetrovaPosey Wed 25-Mar-20 08:21:51

You MUST call the police for your daughter's sake. Don't make her live with a man like this.

DingleberryRose Wed 25-Mar-20 08:36:44

I don't know what to do. Do I break up our family and leave him because he has completely disrespected me

Disrespected? He violated you! Call the police. He needs to go, like now!!

Mae3 Wed 25-Mar-20 08:37:58

He's been sleeping on the sofa since. I have no desire to have sex with him ever again to the point that I haven't even been and picked up my pill because I am not having sex with him! It's hard because we have his dd every other weekend and she loves coming here and our dd has an amazing bond with her I don't want to break it all up. 😔

OP’s posts: |
AnotherEmma Wed 25-Mar-20 08:38:41

This is sexual abuse.

I expect he is probably abusive in other ways.

If you can't bring yourself to call the police, you should call Women's Aid.

LittleCandle Wed 25-Mar-20 08:42:05

I would be concerned that he might be secretly filming your teenage DD. Please, you have to leave this man. What he has done is horrendous.

LouLouLoo Wed 25-Mar-20 08:48:35

Are you sure he doesn’t have other devices? He is disgusting.

I would also have concerns that you weren’t the only one he’s filmed.

Mae3 Wed 25-Mar-20 08:51:57

That's the thing apart from this he is the perfect husband. I know he would never cheat on me, he's amazing with the girls and works hard. I think he's just used to getting what he wants and he really wanted to film us. There is no way in the world he would look at my eldest that way or he would 100% be gone.

OP’s posts: |
Mae3 Wed 25-Mar-20 08:54:08

I do think there is no going back from this though and it's just so heart breaking 😔 He must have known this would break us as well. Maybe he just didn't think he would get caught 😔

OP’s posts: |
PaulinePetrovaPosey Wed 25-Mar-20 08:57:05

I find your attitude very worrying. You are forcing your daughter to live with a sexual predator. You need to make sure she is safe, and you cannot do that in the same house as him.

Treacletoots Wed 25-Mar-20 08:57:45

Hmm. If you can just ignore that one thing, he's the perfect husband. Except you can't. Apparently many serial killers are great husbands and their wives had no idea.

I'm not saying he's a serial killer but his behaviour is well up on the creepy abusive scale. I'm worried for you and your DDs. Please consider your next step very carefully for the best of your family.

Wannabangbang Wed 25-Mar-20 09:00:04

You need to get him removed from your home. This is so creepy, i wouldn't want such a person near my child.

Hotwaterbottlelove Wed 25-Mar-20 09:06:16

Please see how serious this is. He didn't disrespect you, he totally violated you. It is a crime. I turned my stomach to read.

He has shown you that he is happy to lie to you, he is happy to disregard your rights to privacy, that he feels his own desires trump yours.

You need to get away fro this man. He is doing this to your family, not you.

frazzledasarock Wed 25-Mar-20 09:08:00

How on earth can you say there’s no way in the world he’d film your eldest child?

Before you realised he was filming you I bet you’d have said the same about him filming you without permission.

You won’t be breaking up your family he has done that by being sexually abusive.

He is not the perfect father. Get him gone.

Call women’s aid. You’re passivity and wailing how you don’t want to break up your family because he’s such a super dad who’d never film your teenage daughter is terrifying.

Where’s the spycam now?

Qgardens Wed 25-Mar-20 09:13:20

The spy cam and the watch are the two things you know about. What else haven't you ever found out about over the years?

You say he 100*% wouldn't cheat. A few months ago wouldn't you 100% have said he wouldn't have done this?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Wed 25-Mar-20 09:13:58

Just here for a hand hold. This will affect you for years. I'm sorry. My ex put my bare arse online without my knowledge or permission and then when I found out said it wasn't very nice (minimising) but it wasn't my face (gaslighting). I was so emotionally abused I didn't tell anyone IRL and I didn't get help. This behaviour did escalate. It did not get better. I can't say online how it ended but it was very sexually abusive and has damaged my mental health. You need to tell him when you're ready that the relationship is over but be prepared for lots of emotional abuse, gaslighting, minimising but more abuse will follow because he is an abuser. He is not a marvellous husband. He is an abuser

DragonMamma Wed 25-Mar-20 09:14:37

Jesus. What a disgusting creeper he is. It’s ten times that he asked you and still carried on when you said no.

Terrific father? My arse. Who treats women like this. Would he be happy if somebody did this to one of his daughters? I doubt it.

I’d bin him. No questions asked. I’d never feel comfortable around him and would always be wondering if he was filming me.

DragonMamma Wed 25-Mar-20 09:17:04

Also, I’d be absolutely petrified that somebody who has no boundaries like this would possibly end up filming my teen DD to get his kicks.

sadmumbecauseofson Wed 25-Mar-20 09:23:08

You are not breaking it up, his behaviour has led to this. He has totally disrespected you and lied. What else has he done that you don't know about. The trust has gone. I'd leave.

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