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Changing the script

(18 Posts)
nannytothequeen Mon 09-Mar-20 08:45:39

Ive been apart from the ExH for 3 years now. He left on a pretence of unhappiness but the OW emerged pretty quickly as did his nasty attitude towards me.
I have increasingly noticed that his behaviour towards me follows a pattern. Things tick along OK for a while (I despise him and her, but I do my best with comms for the kids) and then something upsets his apple cart like a mix up around an arrangement or he wants me to do something and I say no (arrangements are hard as he wont talk to me - its all texts and he often wont reply) and his reaction is verbal abuse and threats. Yesterday I got a series of texts calling me an evil bitch and telling me to fuck off. Because he was expecting me to buy my son some new shoes for cadets and I didnt, given that I had just bought him a new soccer kit and boots and my daughter something significant for her sport. He also was really abusive about all the arrangements that need to be followed through this week - it is his first week in two and a half years of having the kids for a school week. I responded in a placatory fashion by explaining and reminding and I had a sudden flash that this was how it was for me in our marriage - him being abusive about something left field and me running around to make the peace and trying to placate him and manage his moods. I want to stop using this script - i think that it is damaging to me but I could do with some tips on how.

OP’s posts: |
themarkofthemaker Mon 09-Mar-20 09:29:53

Does he pay child maintenance? If so you are meant to pay for stuff like shoes out of it.

Turning to child arrangements, perhaps it would. e easier to get a court defined order, and it cuts down conflict.

nannytothequeen Mon 09-Mar-20 09:43:39

No he pays nothing. And I buy most things. But you miss the point. I'm not looking at the arrangements. I'm wondering how to change my own actions to him losing his temper over very small things that don't go his way. Or things that he can't control. I want to stop placating him which is exactly what I did when we were married What can I do instead? A court order won't stop the verbals. He loses his temper over the smallest of things and then rants and swears.

OP’s posts: |
millymollymoomoo Mon 09-Mar-20 09:59:12

Just don’t respond. Ignore completely

millymollymoomoo Mon 09-Mar-20 10:00:05

And get child maintenance!

Thesuzle Mon 09-Mar-20 10:04:46

Pls excuse my ignorance, an Ex can not pay a penny towards his children BUT can have access to those children and kick up a fuss about arrangements ? Holy cow, what a twisted world that is

Summersunandoranges Mon 09-Mar-20 10:06:50

Does he pay child maintenance? If so you are meant to pay for stuff like shoes out of it

Actually it’s also to go to the child’s up keep food, bills etc.. OP has already stated she’d bought DC sports equipment for school. How far do you expect it to stretch! And as we see he doesn’t even pay any.

Nanny he is still bullying you. Abusive threats? Who does he think he is.

Why is he not paying CS?

I’d ask a middle person if they could pass and receive correspondence for both of you. No way would I want to be opening messages that he was sending if they were like this.

It’s disgusting.

FortunesFave Mon 09-Mar-20 10:13:40

It IS pertinent that he's not paying you anything. That's part of his abuse.

nannytothequeen Mon 09-Mar-20 10:43:14

He's not paying anything because of tricksy accounting. We are supposed to split costs but he is notoriously tight. I'm not in the UK and rules are different here anyway - access and ca are two entirely separate matters. Having to deal with his unpredictability and his moods takes me back to the unhappiness of my marriage and all the effort I put in to try and keep things afloat. I just want to change the manner in which I deal with him I can't think of anyone who could be an intermediary.

OP’s posts: |
BillHadersNewWife Mon 09-Mar-20 11:03:58

Treat him like an employee. And don't speak to him in person or on the phone....only by text or email. If he's demanding, imagine you're talking to a rude assistant when you respond.

FortunesFave Mon 09-Mar-20 11:08:24

I like Bills advice.

Do you currently see him in person? Talk to him on the phone?

Techway Mon 09-Mar-20 11:14:03

A sure sign of toxicity and narcissism is their angry response when you say No. It is also common for there to be periods of quiet followed by an explosion. This has nothing to do with you and 100% of how he is feeling however you are the useful whipping boy.

Best approach is to learn to grey rock and avoid any unnecessary communication. Drama and conflict is fuel to toxic people so it is highly likely he is seeking to provoke you. It could be he is looking to smear you so any response is shown to others or simply that he needs to vent his anger at someone. If you avoid giving him energy by not engaging then he will have to vent at someone else, likely to be OW, which is what will happen eventually anyway.

Don't JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain.

The question around child maintenance is that it would help if there are clear rules as to how the children are provided for as this would enable you to refer to the arrangements, otherwise there is always a door open for him to use against you.

I have a similar Ex and similar timeframe and now his outbursts are not frequent as I stopped responding. It infuriates him more and now if anything upsets him he tends to use a smear campaign, always based on lies but makes me realise the true extent of his disorder.

In your case he will turn on OW as it is his way of functioning but it will happen quicker if you starve him of the conflict he craves.

Techway Mon 09-Mar-20 11:25:43

Btw, I only respond factually to him about pick up or drop times. I now delay responding to anything provocative as know I might be too emotional if I respond quickly. I try to use as little words as I can but always check if you even need to respond. Often we feel the need to justify or explain and there is no point since since they don't want to be reasonable.

Summersunandoranges Mon 09-Mar-20 13:24:45

nannytothequeen I’d honestly stop all contact with him and seek advice of a solicitor.

He has to to abusing you this way

nannytothequeen Mon 09-Mar-20 18:03:04

I agree he had to stop. Last time I took his texts to the police who were very interested and paid him a visit. It stopped him for a couple of months but the mask has slipped again. I am quite focused on my reactions now and I feel ashamed of my instant efforts to placate him.

OP’s posts: |
Summersunandoranges Mon 09-Mar-20 18:09:21

nanny there is a thread going at the moment with very similar circumstances you that you might want to look at

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3843305-is-this-harassment?msgid=94561295#94561295

Yellowshirt Mon 09-Mar-20 19:29:41

I don't no where in the world you are but I showed emails my ex had sent to me along the same lines to the police in the UK and to be honest they said there is very little they can do and to ignore them.
I asked about harassment as I'm really struggling mentally and I'm scared I'm going to get pushed over the edge but it sounded like it was to much hassle and paperwork for them.

Fairycake2 Fri 13-Mar-20 21:01:00

My exh is like this and I have the same pattern of things ticking over and then he's a total shit for a while. I struggle not to react but I find the best way is just to ignore him (I'm really trying to do this although am sometimes unsuccessful) unless it is something about pick up / drop off arrangements. It's best not to get into conversation about anything else as it always turns into an argument

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