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Withdrawing police complaint

(40 Posts)
Vickyglitz Wed 26-Feb-20 19:59:08

I made a police complaint regarding coercive controlling behaviour / DV by husband. Can I withdraw this? A case officer has been assigned but I really don't want them to speak to him at this stage, as it would jeopardize things. They said they can't promise they won't speak to him.

OP’s posts: |
atr79gb Wed 26-Feb-20 21:14:25

@Vickyglitz I can't answer your specific question but I'm interesting in how seriously the police took your allegations.

The reason I ask is that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship and have considered reporting my ex partner's behaviour. There are limited outlets for doing this and I was interested in how seriously the police take these allegations.

I've already contacted my GP, mens advice line and the samiritans.

ednatheevilwitch Thu 27-Feb-20 11:01:26

I am doing this at the moment. Advice from DA helpline was that you need to choose what you want. I have reported his behaviour before and have done so again recently. The police now want me to attend the station to discuss/take a statement. The rules that prevent people being coerced into withdrawing a statement mean that the police can prosecute without you having to do so - a victimless prosecution. I was advised that logging things as evidence means they are on record but if the time isn't right for you to press charges you can ask them to confirm that they won't do it without your consent. If they won't agree you can refuse to make the statement. Every case is different but you can be in control of things which is important to me.

ednatheevilwitch Thu 27-Feb-20 11:03:30

Sorry - meant to say - the police have taken all my incidents seriously but I suspect that without clear physical evidence - A and E attendance, bruising etc it is much harder to meet threshold for charges. My ex refined his techniques over the years so most of it would be my word against his. Doesn't mean it can't be done and they are keen to arrest/investigate

Mummyshark2018 Thu 27-Feb-20 11:35:23

My understanding OP is that police have to take these allegations of coercive control very serious and can proceed anyway. It may not be possible for you to redact your complaint. This is sort of what happened in the Caroline flack case. An alleged incident of dv against her boyfriend, which he reported. He then didn't want to continue with it and police and cps decided to proceed anyway.

What are the reasons you don't want to proceed- what would it jeopardise?

Vickyglitz Thu 27-Feb-20 11:59:48

@mummyshark2018 he hasn't hit me, and we are trying to reconcile. Getting arrested won't help it. I love your username. I have been asked to come in and discuss with the investigating officer. I don't know if they would ever have enough to prosecute. He behaviours are

- not allowing me to keep a cleaner twice a week even though we jointly own property and I will pay cleaner myself
- threatening not to let me go abroad with my daughter to see my family
- threatening to fire nanny so I have to stay home and not go to work
- wiping toilet with my clothes when we argue
- pushing and shoving
- threatening to confiscate passports
- saying that unless I send his friend a message apologizing for not helping his friend organize his wedding (not sure why I am meant to be organizing this wedding), I can't go abroad (we had a trip upcoming)
- threatening to call my work (not sure what he would say)
- threatening to not allow cleaner even once a week so I have the clean
- generally saying I'm worthless.

I was told when I first made the statement this isn't enough. I was also told this would just be kept on file and I didn't think it would be investigated as a crime. Also I wanted it to be on file because he has said that he will make my life hell and force me to move out if I divorce him. I am not sure why I need to move out. I own this house too and pay mortgage. Also my parents keep saying that people say things when angry but may not follow through 🙄

OP’s posts: |
Costacoffeeplease Thu 27-Feb-20 12:02:16

Why on earth are you trying to reconcile with this twat?

LochJessMonster Thu 27-Feb-20 12:17:33

Cases like your are exactly the reason the CPS can still prosecute.

He is abusive, and needs to be held to account for his behaviours.

Reread those points again. Now imagine your daughter comes to you, to say her DH does those things to her. Would you encourage her to stay with him?

Set an example. You are not worthless. Talk to the police. Ask for help to leave him.

Vickyglitz Thu 27-Feb-20 12:33:15

@lochjessmonster I know what you're saying. But we have built a life together and have a 20 month told. He's a great father but not a great husband. Everyone keeps telling me to try to make it work (especially my parents). Recently things have gotten better and now I'm so confused. I went to the police in a moment of desperation and extreme anger. I know I'm not worthless - I provide for myself, am fully financially independent and have a great job. Him saying I'm worthless doesn't affect me. I'm also afraid of social services getting involved about our daughter. He has never even so much as raised his voice at her. I feel like this could go too far and ruin all our lives. Everyone tells me my "don't get a cleaner" issues are first world problems. He has demanded to see my bank statements to check how often I pay cleaner. So he can monitor when she comes. But I haven't shown him and he hasn't asked since. I'm just afraid of the storm that will hit if this goes ahead.

OP’s posts: |
ohwhattodowithmylife Thu 27-Feb-20 12:41:48

Hi,
I left an abusive marriage last year. SS got involved and I had to leave but I'm so glad I did.
If he is treating you in this way he is not a good father - you do not treat the mother of your children in this way and the effects of domestic abuse on children are well documented. It's easy to hide from your daughter now but as she gets older it will be harder and harder believe me.
The police will be making SS aware, they have a duty of care to and they will want to know how you are protecting your daughter. They take this very seriously indeed.
I suggest you get yourself onto freedom program and get some support.
Your parents feelings are irrelevant, mine wanted me to stay initially but now are so glad I left - it will not get any better. His behavior will get worse, this I can guarantee. Good luck x

Vickyglitz Thu 27-Feb-20 12:43:58

@ohwhattodowithmylife when you say abusive, what do you mean?

OP’s posts: |
Costacoffeeplease Thu 27-Feb-20 12:46:04

Social services will help you if you get away from him, however if you stay they’ll take a very dim view and will see it as you putting your abusive husband before your daughter’s welfare.

notmyhusbandsproperty Thu 27-Feb-20 12:46:24

Christ in a bike! DO NOT reconcile with this man. Run as far as you can. He is abusive and won't change. You and your child deserve so much more. Please, please don't get back with him love xxxx

Mummyshark2018 Thu 27-Feb-20 12:48:31

Op you may want to look doing the freedom programme. What you describe is abusive and I would hope that I'd be strong enough to walk out the door if I was in your position.

Do your parents know everything? I'm wondering why they're encouraging their daughter to stay with an abusive man? He may not be directly abusing your daughter yet but he is indirectly by abusing their mother.

NerrSnerr Thu 27-Feb-20 12:49:17

Please don't get back with this man. Do you really want your baby to grow up thinking that what you've said is normal? Read your list again- how would you feel if in 20 years time your child behaves like him or is on the receiving end?

*- not allowing me to keep a cleaner twice a week even though we jointly own property and I will pay cleaner myself
- threatening not to let me go abroad with my daughter to see my family
- threatening to fire nanny so I have to stay home and not go to work
- wiping toilet with my clothes when we argue
- pushing and shoving
- threatening to confiscate passports
- saying that unless I send his friend a message apologizing for not helping his friend organize his wedding (not sure why I am meant to be organizing this wedding), I can't go abroad (we had a trip upcoming)
- threatening to call my work (not sure what he would say)
- threatening to not allow cleaner even once a week so I have the clean
- generally saying I'm worthless.*

Vickyglitz Thu 27-Feb-20 12:57:12

@ohwhattodowithmylife - I just don't want my kid to be taken into care or anything like that! Or is that only in extreme cases?

OP’s posts: |
Hoppinggreen Thu 27-Feb-20 13:01:22

Vicky you seem to think that abuse is only physical, it’s not. Your husband is abusive
Why would your kids be taken into care? Is this what he or other people are suggesting? Kids ARE sometimes taken into care if their mother stays with an abusive man, partly because watching the mother being abused impacts them and also because there is a danger an abusive man can do the same to his children
Are you coming under pressure from family to reconcile?

Costacoffeeplease Thu 27-Feb-20 13:12:18

Why would your child be taken into care if you were protecting her? If you stay with him you’re not protecting her, so yes, I. That case she could be

Toria70 Thu 27-Feb-20 13:16:21

He's not a good father to be treating you like this.

You need to stop listening to what other people think - they're not on the receiving end of his abuse.

Don't expose your child to this. They may never forgive you.

Clangus00 Thu 27-Feb-20 13:19:48

You need to leave this man.
Just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he's not abusive!

Redglitter Thu 27-Feb-20 13:26:04

For your sake & your daughters dont for goodness sake reconcile with him. If things seem better you can guarantee it's a temporary thing and itll stop the minute you're back together. Hes not a great father if hes causing his child to grow up in a home where domestic abuse is the norm

Stick with your instinct. Leave him and make the statement to the Police. You & your daughter deserve better

Happygirl79 Thu 27-Feb-20 13:31:54

You will look back in a few years time when things get much worse than now and deeply regret getting back with him
By withdrawing your complaint two things will happen
You have in effect given him permission to continue to mistreat you
If you go back to the police again they may not take your complaint as seriously since it will be on file that you've done this before and withdrawn it and may be seen as a time waster
I feel so sorry for you
You are totally under his control

ohwhattodowithmylife Thu 27-Feb-20 16:00:26

When I say my ex was abusive he wasn't physical either. There was lots of coercive behavior, threats and verbal abuse. It was very subtle and did escalate over the years. It looked very different 10 years later. I wish for my children I had got out sooner, it would have been easier and the impact on them less.
I would also feel less guilt.
Social services were very helpful and a great support. If you are honest and open with them and do everything you can to protect your child then there is nothing to worry about. They only look to take action if you do not sufficiently protect your child. Also taking police action has helped my situation enormously as you have documented evidence as to what his behavior is like and again social services will expect you to take action as it shows you are protecting your child.
You have to trust in the system now and make plans to get out, accept all Firms of support. I would ask the police to refer you to a domestic abuse service, then you should get a support worker who will hold your hand through the process. This was invaluable for me in helping me to see that my husbands behavior was wrong and abusive

ohwhattodowithmylife Thu 27-Feb-20 16:03:26

I did leave once and get back with him, we had couple counselling etc, it helped for a few months but these men do not change their ways without acknowledging their problem and having sustained help, even then the likelihood of them changing is minimal.
It was the biggest mistake to get back with him- that's why you need all the help you can get.
Keep a diary of everything that he does and says.

Skierrdery Thu 27-Feb-20 16:09:02

Tell him to sod off and that you'll do what you fucking like. If it escalates, then you get police involved.

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