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Dh and I separating. Please talk to me VERY slowly!

(21 Posts)
ChittyChittyBoomBoom Mon 24-Feb-20 17:16:45

So, dh has told me he wants us to separate. We’ve been together for 23 years, married for 16, with 3 dc.

PLEASE can someone tell me what I need to do now? I feel very lost and confused. We’ve agreed that he’ll stay in the house with the dc and I until we’ve paid a few debts off.

Who should I be making appointments with? CAB? A solicitor? Mediator? Our mortgage company?

What is the order of things? Does he need to wait until we’re divorced before he can buy a new property?

Please help, I’m so confused ☹️.

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millymollymoomoo Mon 24-Feb-20 18:49:59

You should seek legal advice from a solicitor

You’ll both need to get hold of earnings, assets, Including pensions, liabilities to understand what’s available for split

You also need to think about who : where children will live and what child arrangements will be

While you need legal advise if you can agree most things between you it will help keep costs down

It would be unwise to purchase new properties until finances understood and splits agreed

letsdolunch321 Mon 24-Feb-20 19:10:28

What is the reason he has given for separating?

Is your property rented or mortgaged?

ChittyChittyBoomBoom Mon 24-Feb-20 19:43:26

Thanks both.

We’ve just grown apart and are just really good friends now ☹️. I think it’s fair to say that we’re both very keen to remain amicable.

Our house is mortgaged with about £150k left on it and £150k equity. He earns £80k and I earn £20k (part time).

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redastherose Mon 24-Feb-20 19:51:35

See a solicitor. As you work part time and earn less depending upon future earning potential you may receive a larger proportion of the equity in the house, also remember you need to get valuations of your pensions (both of you) so that they can be split equitably too.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom Mon 24-Feb-20 19:56:31

I’m a part time teacher so while I can go full time, my earning potential is not huge. How do we get valuations of pensions?

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sellthesizzle Mon 24-Feb-20 20:03:35

Ring your pension company they will be able to tell you his to get the valuation. The monetary value goes into the marital finance pot as will his. His most likely higher value than yours so more of the house equity will probs go to you.

letsdolunch321 Mon 24-Feb-20 20:06:25

A solicitor will have all the answers regards pension valuations.

Search online for a one hour consultation at a set price.

In my area they are £60.00 for an hours consultation. Write down all questions you need answers to before attending as the hour appointment will go very quickly if you are not organised.

cakeandchampagne Mon 24-Feb-20 20:06:51

Get professional legal advice.
Don’t trust anything your dh says.

ChittyChittyBoomBoom Mon 24-Feb-20 20:12:01

Thanks so much. This is helping 😊.

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Nat6999 Mon 24-Feb-20 20:14:18

Collect copies of birth & marriage certificates, passports for you & the children, copies of his pay slips & bank statements. Try to open a bank account in your sole name if you don't already have one & put as much cash as you can in it, swap your salary payments to this account plus any child benefit etc you get, get cashback every time you go shopping if using the joint account & put the money in your own account. Keep your eye on the joint account in case he decides to clear it out. Get yourself a good solicitor, if you have any friends who have divorced ask for recommendations. If you have any sentimental belongings, try & move anything you want to keep, if you have a friend or relative you can trust to look after them. Once you have separated, if you are still in the house don't forget to claim the 25% discount on your council tax. Check if you can claim any benefits if need be.

Nat6999 Mon 24-Feb-20 20:21:27

If you are part time at work, check if you would be entitled to any universal credit, look on Even a small amount would be useful as it may entitle you to other things like a warm homes grant which is £140 a year towards your heating bill, free prescriptions, eye checks & dental treatment. It may not sound much in the long term but every bit helps. Any maintenance your husband pays towards the children doesn't count for benefits purpose.

mamamiaow Mon 24-Feb-20 21:00:17

You must be in such a state of shock. Just remember you will be ok. You've come to the right place, there are lots of supportive people on here.

There is a lot of advice here:

Keep your wits about you. Stay calm, try to get plenty of sleep. Invest in some Night Nurse to help you sleep. Get him to move to a spare room/sofa. We stayed in the same bed for 2 months. That is not good for your mental health.

How old are your children? If you are in separate rooms, it can get them used to the idea that a separation is happening.

Google 'parenting plan'. There is a template you can use which keeps you focused on how it could work practically. It seems to be a common occurrence that fathers like to think they can do 50/50 parenting.

One hour with a solicitor cost me £260, so prep for this. You can gets lots of information online before you go down that route. Have a list of questions and a notepad before you go in there.

You need to take some time to get used to what is happening. Confide in a good friend. Go for a massage, look after yourself.

mamamiaow Mon 24-Feb-20 21:18:21 this was also helpful

ChittyChittyBoomBoom Mon 24-Feb-20 21:22:36

Brilliant advice, thank you! Mamamiaow That is exactly the kind of thing I’ve been looking for!

He told me 5 weeks ago and I’ve been an absolute mess. I just couldn’t face doing anything but thankfully I have utterly AMAZING friends who have scraped me up and put me back together.

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ragged Mon 24-Feb-20 21:26:32

It's great that he's amenable. Friend is having a nightmare with stbxH who refuses to go to mediation or talk except thru solicitors.

millymollymoomoo Mon 24-Feb-20 21:45:38

It’s likely you’ll be expected to increase your earnings to become self sufficient
Pensions could be a big factor here - particularly if you have a good teachers one
So you do need to look at those too

waterSpider Mon 24-Feb-20 22:37:25

First -- do think about whether the marriage could be saved. e.g. some counselling?
Second -- everything takes much longer than you think it will.
Third -- you will have some ups, and some downs, as this goes on.
Fourth-- keep separate these 3 things (1) dissolving the marriage - simple and legal stuff; (2) arrangements for kids, (3) the financial split.
Fifth -- try to stay amicable! A strongly contested divorce could cost >£20,000; an amicable one only £550 (the court fee).

okiedokieme Fri 28-Feb-20 10:07:16

For now you dont need to do anything except sit down together and decide on what you both envision happening. We made a spreadsheet of expenses for the house, costs of renting a flat etc and worked out fair maintenance. Recently we have worked out a final settlement agreement and when to sell our house. After 2 years we will file online for a divorce, no solicitor. If you need to claim benefits, you claim online these days.

okiedokieme Fri 28-Feb-20 10:09:30

Ps - don't rush, let things develop, the more you can talk the better. We had just grown apart but are still good friends

ChittyChittyBoomBoom Fri 28-Feb-20 15:12:13

Thank you okiedokieme. I didn’t realise you could divorce without the need for a solicitor. How did you take pensions into account? I think it’s going to more valuable to me to come away with more equity in the house than part of his pension.

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