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Divorce/separation

How to get into a position of strength.

7 replies

Mercier1 · 16/02/2020 22:36

My DH has been off work sick with his MH for one year, he’s been offered redundancy which he wants to take. 17K

He’s been caring for the kids during this time as I had to work casually on the side for a friend to bring in cash, while also on mat leave from my main job which is a 3 day a week role. I earn 25 k doing that. My friend pays me 100 a day rate. I also have a small business which I used up all my capitol in to live off in 2019 while we were skint. Yes that does indeed kill me.

I have a pension only paying in about 5 years but he’s 15 years older and has none, his parents helped financially with house but I always paid into the mortgage a fair Proportion even prior to marriage.

I’m now working all the hours I can to keep a roof over our heads. My income would cover all bills but nothing else. So I don’t know what would happen if we split.

I’m not sure we will make it. Things between us are utterly hellish. He will want and I would be fine with joint custody. He has no job or income right now though.

I’m afraid I’ll loose everything, my home with I work so hard for. I have no where else to go, no family support. What can I do to be in a position of strength? If I make this call should I wait rather cynically until he’s being paid again so at least he would have to help me financially with our babies?

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NeverGuessWho · 17/02/2020 06:41

That does sound hellish. 💐

When does your maternity leave run out?

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NeverGuessWho · 17/02/2020 06:44

Are you in the UK?

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NeverGuessWho · 17/02/2020 06:47

I think if you’re in the UK, and custody is 50/50, he won’t have to give you any child maintenance at all, regardless of whether he’s in paid employment or not.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 17/02/2020 14:05

If you’re working and have a regular and steady income then you’re already in a position of strength in comparison to him if he’s essentially unable to work due to his health. You wouldn’t necessarily have to sell the house if you were able to buy him out; if you aren’t able to do that selling isn’t the end of the world.

If you are unhappy and know the relationship is over I don’t think there’s any point waiting until he’s working again - especially since his health means this could be a significant time away. And if you were sharing parenting close to 50/50 then neither of you will need to pay the other maintenance.

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Mercier1 · 17/02/2020 22:38

I’m working and have an income of about 1400 a month. I’m back off mat leave now using up a bit of AL. But in the office in a few weeks. Im in the UK

I’m very unhappy but not sure I’m ready to quit either. The arguments are daily, trivial shite. Tonight I asked if He could drop me a text if he wasn’t prepping dinner for us (which is his norm) so I can get something on my way home from work. Apparently he doesn’t need to report to me. His default seems to be to take his stress and anger out on me. He calls me hard.

Anyway, selling the house with small kids, one starting school in the area... it sounds impossible. I really really don’t want too. What does buying him out involve?

I believe he could hold down a job if he had too but he’s not really started looking for any. Ridiculous.

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GlassOfProsecco · 18/02/2020 07:06

I'm sorry you're facing this; I'm in a similar situation with a partner who has mental health issues & had long periods of time off sick.

Unfortunately he is now back in work & it's made my position considerably weaker. He can afford to buy me out now & wants to push me out if the family home, whereas I can't buy him out.

So you're in a better position if you are working with a permanent job.

Have you seen a solicitor? You'll understand your position much better if you do.

Could you increase your hours at work? I'm doing that for more income.

Have you looked at the "entitled to" website to see about benefits etc?

Good luck, it's a hellish situation.

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Mercier1 · 18/02/2020 08:52

Thank you @GlassOfProsecco I can’t increase my hours but I can do this freelance work and continue my own biz but I think that will take me way out of the benefit threshold. I don’t know. I’m going to call a lawyer today, I think I get a discount because of my union.

His parents would support him financially buying me out I think, I have no back up.

I’m so sad/angry.