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Meeting new girlfriend

(12 Posts)
dottiek Wed 12-Feb-20 04:29:08

Hi

I am new to this board and just looking for advice please. My husband and I separated late November and he moved out at the end of December to his parents house.

He has DD age 3 for a mid week sleep over and every other weekend. He joined an app to meet other single parents but has tonight told me that he has now started seeing a woman he met off there and he now wants our daughter to spend time with her and her two children. She has already met them when they were 'just friends' on an 8 hour play date involving a visit to this woman's parents house.

I am so uncomfortable with this. DD will still be coming to terms with her mummy and daddy not living together. It just is wrong for him to introduce and integrate the families.

She has only had 2 weekend sleepovers and 3 mid weeks so it's not even as if they are in a settled routine.

Can I stop this happening? Am I wrong to want to stop this happening?

All I want is for her to have a good loving relationship with her Daddy and not have to share him, not just yet anyway.

Thanks for listening

OP’s posts: |
Finfintytint Wed 12-Feb-20 04:34:52

Way too soon to start integrating but I’m not sure you can stop it happening.
Three months after separation and he wants to start playing happy families with some internet acquaintance?
I’d be concerned too.

Ozziewozzie Wed 12-Feb-20 04:47:50

It’s bound to feel worrying for a whole range of reasons. Your ex can introduce your dd to anyone he likes, just as you can.
I found when I separated from my ex, I invested far too much of my thoughts on what he was doing with our children once he started dating again.
Whilst your dd is in his care, he is responsible. If he makes choices which impact on his relationship and time with his dd then that’s down to him. Hopefully your ex is respectful enough to be mindful that your dd could be processing things still.
You may find the gf makes a concerted effort with your dd and your dd then comes home telling you how wonderful daddies gf is. Don’t worry though, the honeymoon period doesn’t last for long. In time the novelty wears off.
By imposing restrictions, rules etc on your ex it can and will cause friction which is often more damaging to the child. Also you come across as acting out of jealousy etc.
I took great pride in being incredibly reasonable, warm and supportive of my ex h relationship. Children are resilient and are more likely to cope better if they can see both parents being supportive. It makes them feel safe.
Your ex may well be expecting you to put your foot down. Surprise him. His new relationship is early days.
A lot of new couples jump in where kids are concerned. It’s assumed it’s because the relationship is really solid and serious. Your ex is on his honeymoon period right now so everything is new and exciting. They want to be together all the time, Hence introducing each others children in a we are together setting.
I hope this makes sense

Meeeh Wed 12-Feb-20 14:05:47

Ozziewozzie summed it up perfectly. Deep breath, calm down and resist the urge to voice your concerns to your child or ask her loads of questions. People do this to prove to themselves that they did the right thing splitting up and Desperate Dan may well have known her for longer than he’s letting on. Next step will be Facebook updates with #familytime type captions. Try not to lose your mind and just focus on having a positive time with your child when you can.

dottiek Wed 12-Feb-20 14:34:06

Thanks everyone. I will try and take a step back. It just goes against my instincts to protect her from getting a new family less than two months after she found out that mummy and daddy weren't going to be living together any more.

OP’s posts: |
Meeeh Wed 12-Feb-20 14:55:55

You’re a good mum. This was my situation too so I can relate to the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. I hope it goes ok.

kitk Wed 12-Feb-20 15:02:55

YANBU at all OP. I've been there. I think @Ozziewozzie has got it spot on too though. Kids are v adaptable. DD8 has met a million of ex's new GFs over the last six years and she's relatively unaffected when they change

Butterflyflower1234 Wed 12-Feb-20 15:24:28

Sadly you can not control this situation.

Seeing as DD is 3, she won't fully understand things. Kids are incredibly resilient and will pick up on how the parents are. If you make this a big deal then she will pick up on this.

Whilst it may seem 'too soon' for you, it might not be for your ex. If your relationship was over before it officially finished then emotionally he is ready to move on.

So long as he is spending quality time with both your DD and her needs are being met then you need to accept this.

By all means, speak to ex and raise your concerns but ultimately you have no authority to stop them meeting unless your DD is in danger.

dottiek Thu 13-Feb-20 07:09:03

Thanks again. I have no issues with him moving on that quickly, he is an adult. My concerns were for my daughter, who has only known about us separating for less than two months. In my mind that is too soon for her to be expected to process, accept the relationship breakdown and then accept a new partner.

Sadly it doesn't seem unusual from your replies though. I will just sit back quietly and let them get in with things.

Many thanks

OP’s posts: |
user1493413286 Thu 13-Feb-20 07:15:53

I agree it’s too soon for her to be meeting the new partner but unfortunately there isn’t really anything you can do it about it especially as it’s already happening.
If they split then I’d ask him if you can both agree that you won’t introduce partners until it’s serious but he would need to agree to that.

MrsAgassi Thu 13-Feb-20 07:28:06

I would tell him you think it’s too soon for your child (as it is for her children) but you acknowledge you can’t stop it happening. Then ask him if he’s okay with his daughter meeting the new man you’ve been seeing! It usually doesn’t sit as well the other way around!

I wouldn’t be happy about it.

NBSW Thu 13-Feb-20 07:50:16

My ex left when DC was 11. 2 months later he wanted to take him on holiday (out of the country) to meet the OW he has left us for. A women he had only met once himself. What a fucking prick. I said no.

That was 5 years ago now. DC eventually went NC with his father when they were about 13.

Ex now lives in another country and hasn't seen his son for 4 years.

What is it with these men (and women) who thinks it is acceptable to introduce a child to a new partner within weeks of a relationship break down?

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