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OW spending time with your child

(42 Posts)
VivaVegas Sun 02-Feb-20 22:28:58

How do you ever get used to it?
After over 20 years of marriage STBXH had an affair with a colleague, lied to me for months, possibly over a year, told me I was crazy, paranoid etc etc lied to everyone.
Finally admitted he was with her 5 months ago.
She cheated on her long term partner too. She has never had or wanted children.
They now both live separately but I found out via legal forms this week they are going to move in together. We have one child who is 12.
I am now also being asked to give consent for the 3 of them to go on holiday.
Add to the above she is a nasty piece of work, has no friends whatsoever and nobody that knows her (which is only through work) has anything nice to say about her.
I am over him, they are welcome to each other with their lies and deceit but I am struggling to see how you ever get used to someone like her spending time with your child.
I have no issues with them spending time with their dad and want them to have a holiday together but don't understand why she needs to go.
I have been seeing someone new for a few months and can manage to keep that private and see no reason to rush into living with someone or going on holiday with them and my child.
Our child always meant the world to us after trying for a baby for a long time and loosing 2, they were then born very early and were very ill as a result.
I just feel he is putting his wants and needs before that if our child.
Help, massively struggling with this.
What do I do, how do I deal with how sick this makes me feel?

OP’s posts: |
MadamePewter Sun 02-Feb-20 22:31:40

How does your child feel? Have they met her? Has he discussed the plan with your child?

hotstepper4 Sun 02-Feb-20 22:34:20

You can't control who he goes on holiday with. How would you feel if you wanted to take dc away with your new partner and he said no?

He's moved on, now you need to as well. Don't show animosity towards his new partner for your dc sake. Be the bigger person.

VivaVegas Sun 02-Feb-20 23:02:22

The child says they stay in their room when she is there, they have said before they don't want to go to dads if she is there.

I asked how they would feel about her going on holiday with them, they said they don't want her to go and just want to go with their dad. They are with me much more than him due to work so get very little quality time with him as it is.

I have no issues with him going on holiday with her or our child just not together so soon. I just don't see why a child should have to go on holiday with someone they barely know and so soon. Why not keep things separate to give a child time to adjust to his stable home and family having gone, before introducing new partners, what's the rush?

I just think there is no way of knowing if this post affair relationship will last and our child has been through enough without this.

And I wouldn't dream of taking my child on holiday with a new partner until the relationship was as far as I could tell long term and with them knowing them well and feeling comfortable with them. For me there is no rush and my child's well being comes first.

Is this so wrong.

How would I be the bigger person by not caring about how this impacts my child?

OP’s posts: |
VivaVegas Sun 02-Feb-20 23:03:20

Plus his can you not feel animosity to the woman he had an affair with and left you for?

OP’s posts: |
VivaVegas Sun 02-Feb-20 23:04:57

To add we had an agreed parenting plan which said we wouldn't even introduce new partners for 6-9 months.

He is now choosing to ignore this as if obviously doesn't suit him and says it's not worth the paper it's written on and he can do what he wants.

OP’s posts: |
MadamePewter Sun 02-Feb-20 23:05:34

I think you’re quite right. I’d just say it’s up to your dc and if they don’t want to go yet it’s fine with you. Your dc is of an age where their view counts. I wouldn’t force mine to go

redastherose Sun 02-Feb-20 23:06:59

Unfortunately selfish people do put their wants before their children's needs! It's unfair but you cannot dictate whether he introduces the OW to your dc. My stbxh has rarely seen DD2 alone in the last 3 1/2 years, DD1 went NC with him (the OW is only 3 years older than DD1). You don't have to agree to the holiday if you feel your dc won't be properly looked after but you have to try and do what is best for your DC.

Whynosnowyet Sun 02-Feb-20 23:07:12

Remember your dc is a constant reminder of her ow status. Your dd is allowed to state she won't go on the holiday...
Your ex is still thinking with his penis not his head. Nothing you can do about that sadly.

Singlenotsingle Sun 02-Feb-20 23:07:49

If your DC doesn't want to go, end of story. She would probably feel incredibly awkward anyway, and not enjoy it at all. Tell him no.

LonginesPrime Sun 02-Feb-20 23:16:27

I get that's it's incredibly hard, OP, but you can't force someone else to be the kind of parent you are or to put your DC's feelings before their own.

It gets easier with time. I deal with it by telling myself that the more people who care about my DCs, the better.

MadamePewter Sun 02-Feb-20 23:18:45

But going on holiday is a different thing for a child of that age. It seems reasonable to want quality time with their dad n holiday.

Oakmaiden Sun 02-Feb-20 23:21:02

I would let your dd take the lead on this. She is old enough to decide when and if she sees her father and his partner.

stellabelle Sun 02-Feb-20 23:22:33

I have no issues with them spending time with their dad and want them to have a holiday together but don't understand why she needs to go

If they are moving in together, she needs to go because they are a couple. And if your daughter goes along on the holiday, its a good way for her to get to know her Dad's partner. If DD spends her time in her room when visiting her Dad, she really isn't going to get to know her . Who knows, they may get along well and your fears will disappear.

I'm speaking from experience - my ex left me after a long affair which he'd constantly denied for several years, so yes I do know what it's like . But my kids not only met her after a few months, but actually came to like her . Life was much better for all of us after that occurred.

As pp said, you have to swallow your hatred and be the bigger person. Try not to let your DD know how you feel about this woman - she needs to make her own decisions at 12 . By stopping her from going on this holiday, you'll be saying loud and clear that you have a lot of animosity going on , and she'll pick up on that. Good luck.

VivaVegas Sun 02-Feb-20 23:24:20

It's my DS not DD which is possibly why he's uncomfortable around another woman as it's a tricky age.
The trouble is when I say he's said he doesn't want to go I'm accused of lying and manipulating him.
Nothing is ever my ex's fault, I am always responsible for everything whereas I've never lied.

OP’s posts: |
VivaVegas Sun 02-Feb-20 23:28:32

They might be a couple but they are not a family and to be honest from what I've seen and heard I think DS will just be left to his own devices as ex's attention is clearly focused in other directions at the moment.

I'm seeing someone but still plan to go on holiday with my DS just the 2 of us as it's too early to involve him in my new relationship.

OP’s posts: |
MadamePewter Sun 02-Feb-20 23:28:50

Ignore your ex and just support your da. He’s old enough to decide and your ex can try to force him but that won’t end well for him. He’d be better to foster a good relationship by listening to his child and leaving it for now

OhWellThatsJustGreat Sun 02-Feb-20 23:35:20

Could you ask your child to tell their dad what they want to do. At 12 they are old enough to make their own choices in this instance.
I think you should provide a letter of concent, just to keep the peace with your ex, bit make it crystal clear to your child that it is for the peace and that you are happy for them to go away on holiday with dad, but I fortunately you can't control if she is there. I would also tell DC that at the end of the day they can decide if they go or not, no one else.

VivaVegas Mon 03-Feb-20 07:58:35

I have had an open and honest conversation with DS and he has told me he wants to just go with his dad, but then the ex will accuse me of forcing him to say that and that I make him feel like he has to say that.
He is a nasty, manipulative bully who just continues to put himself first.
I just don't understand his rationale other than they can't bare to be apart but in that case I'm not being funny a holiday with a 12 year old is not going to be a nice romantic break is it, surely they'd be better off going away on their own.
I should add he has already been on 2 overseas holidays with her in the last 18 months, once when we were still together and he pretended to go in his own (as did she) and I caught them out and exposed their affair and then another one in October so its not like they are not getting time together.
Shame he can't focus on his son's needs a bit more and make his next trip a father and some one.

OP’s posts: |
youknowitmakessensedunnit Mon 03-Feb-20 08:17:58

What your ex does in his own time is his business.

MadamePewter Mon 03-Feb-20 08:58:33

I think the OP’s point about that is that her ex and his partner have had holidays together so this is not the only opportunity.
OP,I have the same allegations from my ex. Thanks to therapy I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what he says. I have never said mine shouldn’t go. It’s up to him to diet it out not me. It’s actually quite liberating!

Chewysmum Mon 03-Feb-20 09:16:14

If I were you, I'd type up a letter explaining that DS doesn't want to go away with OW and that in your opinion it's far too early after the separation to be subjecting your son to another partner. Explain that for this reason you are keeping your new relationship separate from your child and that he should do the same. His actions go against the parenting agreement you both signed and therefore there should be no further discussion. If they still want to go away next year and your son is happy with that then you will have no problem with that.
Then... Get the letter notarized or whatever it is that makes it a legal document and get it sent to him.
YANBU, it's far too early to be going away as a family, your son barely knows this woman, and you have every right to think that someone with her moral standards won't be a good thing around your son, especially at this delicate age. I've never been in your position but I think I'd be exactly the same as you, angry, worried etc.
Sit your son down and tell him that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to but hopefully he'll know her well enough next year and change his mind. IMO that is being the bigger person.

CallmeAngelina Mon 03-Feb-20 09:21:54

and you have every right to think that someone with her moral standards won't be a good thing around your son, especially at this delicate age.
Surely that also applies to her ex?

MadamePewter Mon 03-Feb-20 09:23:50

I wouldn’t get into your views about your XH and his partner. Just say your child doesn’t want to go, he can discuss it with him, but you’re going to respect his views and not enforce a visit. Nothing else necessary.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-Feb-20 09:41:34

You need to empower your son to be honest with his dad about not wanting to go on this trip. He’s plenty old enough to decide for himself. I’d keep your own views out of it, not that you need to care what your ex thinks of you or your motivations. He’s the one fucking up his relationship with his child. I’d say your “permission” doesn’t come into it, it’s your son’s decision and you’re not going to bully him into doing something he doesn’t want on your ex’s behalf.

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