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Want to date but not officially apart

(6 Posts)
avoidthemeangirls Fri 31-Jan-20 22:14:10

That’s it. Basically, ive barely had sex/intimacy for a few years now. Ive been trying to get relationship to work for a few years. Then gave up. About 9 months ago i started separation talks.
But dp reluctant to seperate, he’s hard to talk to about practical choices.
I want to end it on good terms so im loathe to rush him. I also have been mentally adjusting for a year.
Im not ready for a proper relationship. But to date, go out, have sex. Yes! Ive spent a while adjusting even though not official single.
Problem is, we’ve not gone public or told dc.
So im ready to date.
But i’d look scummy if i did.
Anyone been in a similar position?

OP’s posts: |
MymbleClement Sat 01-Feb-20 09:14:19

Yep this is me. Mentally I'm way ahead of DH. I did most of my mourning at the same time as I was desperately trying to get him to understand how dire things were.

I've told him I want to separate but unfortunately I need to shore myself up financially first so it's going to be at least six months(debt to pay off etc).

Just because the relationship has died on its arse doesn't mean my libido has - but it would be morally wrong for me to pursue anything while we are technically still married so am resigned to a while with no sex sad

avoidthemeangirls Sat 01-Feb-20 10:59:58

Thanks for responding Mymble! It's helpful to know I'm not the only one.

It stinks doesn't it!!! Of course now I have zero expectations and have given up and happy to exit. He's just a whole lot nicer and family time is subsequently a lot nicer. But I don't want to underestimate the mourning I've done whilst he's pretended and ignored me. There have been a lot of painful days!

My finances are also an issue here. I'm not young but my libido def hasn't died currently. I wonder if it may when things get real and we figure out living arrangements?

I just wish it wasn't seen as morally wrong because in a way it isn't.

OP’s posts: |
Qwerty543 Sun 02-Feb-20 10:36:46

I was in this position. Years of a brother/sister style marriage. He plodded along, I became increasingly unhappy. When I finally said something, first time he basically ignored it and I forgot I'd even brought it up, when I mentioned it again and it was clear I wanted it to end, he suddenly wanted to do anything to fix it. Problem was I'd mentally checked out a very long time before.

I did date someone. I wasn't prepared to wait as I decided my happiness was coming first for a change. Best thing I ever did even if the circumstances weren't ideal.

Singlenotsingle Sun 02-Feb-20 10:42:44

Tell him you've had enough and it's over. Tell him that from now on you're separated and will apply for a divorce in 2 years time. You can be separated in the same house; just don't sleep together, cook or wash for him. Difficult, I know, but it might make him realise you're serious.

Singlenotsingle Sun 02-Feb-20 10:44:21

And if you're not married, that makes it even easier.

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