Dad with minimal input in day to day life of kids now wanting 50-50

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

In the process of separating after many unhappy years.

Have DC aged 11 & 6.

I've been part-time & the primary carer, doing all drop off's, pickups, cooking, dentist appts during the week.

Their dad usually comes home around 7-7.30 & does stories etc. He is a bit more involved during the weekends.

He's wanting to stay in the house, buy me out & start doing 50/50. Probably to avoid maintenance.

Have had a try at it the last couple of weeks & he's been hopeless - late, not giving baths & showers, forgetting lunches/PE kits etc.

The kids are tired from 11 hour days in childcare & asking why mummy can't drop them as usual.

I don't think this is in their best interests.

He also has mental health issues with significant periods of time off work, Witt resulting financial issues.

I think they would be better with 1 night during week & EOW. But for him that would mean maintenance & he can't keep house. I can't buy him out.

Help!

[helpmum2003]

It doesn't sound to be in the children's best interests to do 50.50. What does your solicitor say?

[Clangus00]

Then he has to sell the house and you split the money & both either buy or rent somewhere else?
This plan of his us not in the best interests of the children.

[frazzledasarock]

Remain main cater of your children. Speak to your solicitor and I think it would mean selling house and splitting proceeds with higher percentage to you the main career.

So what if he doesn’t want to pay maintenance. That’s too bad.

The main thing is the dc need to be properly cared for and their needs put first.

[frazzledasarock]

Carer my autocorrect keeps changing it randomly

[Notsure94]

There's strong arguments that 50/50 is great on paper but more disruptive to kids than having a main base. That base should be family home they are accustomed to. You've been the primary caregiver, changing that would be disruptive in my opinion. I'm not a lawyer obv be I reckon he should move out and you should remain with kids for majority of time. Least disruption for the kids which is what actually matters. Get legal advice now. It's so easy to be disadvantaged without realising.

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

I'll run things by my solicitor- just wanted to hear opinions.

He doesn't want to sell house & wants to buy me out. I can't stay there (Scots law).

We're at a stalemate, going round in circles. Tried solicitor/led mediation & it was pointless- he will not discuss, compromise etc.

Neither of us want to go to court.

This process has been ongoing since October last year & I'm just so utterly fed up.

[TheBusDriver]

@Notsure94 exactly in your opinion.

50/50 should always be the priority and the kids wills get used to it. What you are finding here is I dont like the way he is doing it so must be wrong.

[Hmmmiwonderwhy]

I totally agree with the OP. Why should a parent automatically look after the children 50% when they haven't bothered so far?

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

If he was doing 50-50 already I wouldn't object, as it wouldn't be a change for DC.

But he's had minimal input at all & they are tired, stressed (he has a long commute so it means much longer days in childcare).

It's not a case of "not liking the way he does things" - sending them to school with no packed lunches etc impacts on them & is upsetting them.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

'Neither of us want to go to court' ime only works where both parties are committed to putting the needs of the DCs first and willing to engage in constructive dialogue/mediation. When one isn't, there's no point.

Accept you are either going to have a situation that doesn't put your children first, OR you're going to have to go to court and duke it out. The other solution (where your XH has some sort of miraculous conversion and starts behaving reasonably) isn't going to happen.

Sorry, but time to pull the sticking plaster off. And do it quickly - bad 50-50 is still 50-50 and you are setting yourself up for the courts to accept it.

Do you want 50-50, by the way? If not, why are you letting it happen?

[NeverTwerkNaked]

I would resist for as long as you can but sadly the family courts set a pretty low bar for what they deem acceptable parenting. You are quite right it makes no sense for them to be 50/50 but a lot of family court decision makers don't actually want to engage in anything other than pushing for 50/50 contact at all costs.

[GroggyLegs]

Did I read it correctly that as part of his 50 he's putting them in childcare before & after school?
But you wouldn't need to do that?

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

I normally work 3-4 days and do the drop-off's and pickups, leaving 8ish & getting back5.30/45.

On my days off I take them to school at 8.45 & pick them up at 3pm on a Thursday & 12.30 on a Friday (schools here do a 1/2 day Friday so that why I don't work that day).

He's dropping them at 7.30-am & getting back at 6-6.30.

It's a much longer day for them.

[Grumpasaurus]

Op it doesn't sound like their lives are THAT different- they will get used to the extra 90 minute days soon enough. He will also get used to doing lunches, PE kits, etc.... it's so good for children to have both parents actively involved. One night and EOW doesn't sound best for THEM.

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

@Grumpasaurus - he has mental health issues, to the extent of having 6 months off work & to the point where he cannot function as an adult eg having food in the house.

He is short-tempered with them eg calling DS "a pain in the arse" & cannot handle DD when she is upset - to the point he was 30 mins late for work.

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

OP, if that is the case, why is it your position that he sees the children 1 night during week and EOW

[Merlinite]

His MH issues = massive red flag, needs mentioning at any appointment you have with sols, mediators etc. Do you know if he's on meds? Personally I think 50-50 is a ridiculous go-to idea that the family courts have jumped on and want to push for at any cost. Sounds great on paper, in practice it's often awful and very stressful for the kids who just want a calm and settled life. It also opens the door to self-centred inadequate parents like OP's ex and my ex. Mediation does not work unless both sides WANT it to work. Looks like he just wants what he wants and nobody else is important. Arsehole.

Put kids' interests Front and Centre. In every single interaction you have from now on. He will go on and on about what he wants and why he is right. For as long as you let him do that. Don't let him OP, please don't let him.

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

@youknowitmakessensedunnit - he's a weekend dad so weekends will be fine. He sees them for about 30 mins a night during the week normally.

He can cope with a night during the week.

[RandomMess]

Can you move out and rent and take the DC with you end establish EOW and midweek overnight?

You can agree to discuss/try increasing towards 50:50 one everything/everyone is more settled?

[Beansandcoffee]

Has he had minimal input because he has had to work full time whilst you have been luckily enough to work part time? Perhaps he wants to go part time? A judge will consider 50:50 even if one parent hasn’t been able to be hands on for various reasons. But he will need to change his life I assume. Good luck it is tough I’ve been there.

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

That's what I have suggested @RandomMess.

I need to check out with my solicitor as I'm still responsible for 1/2 the mortgage & what the implications of me moving out would mean.

And he's offering me a piss-poor cut of equity (14%) so I want to have enough to buy with at a later stage.

[Quartz2208]

this need to go to court Im afraid

Can you sell the house and split the profits?

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

@Beansandcoffee - DC was born with significant health issues & we were both in agreement that me working part-time was best (I'm a HCP).

Not "lucky" working part-time in that sense.

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

@Quartz2208 - he won't agree to that.

[mummmy2017]

You lose you anyway you look at this .
Tell him half eberything. As is legally fair.
After all you have nothing to lose.