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I need a separation doula or some help

(19 Posts)
needtoseperate Mon 20-Jan-20 09:19:22

I just can’t figure out what to do and asked the welfare officer of a club I’m in and she suggested here, I’m a long time user who’s name changed of course. H doesn’t want to separate calls me a stupid little cow and pushes past me to leave the room when I talk about separation. when I get him at a ‘good time’ he says “well there’s the door” angry but I have no where to go whereas he has parents nearby. as for putting up with it for now no sorry I’ve done that for four years I’m done now. he’s been on the settee all that time he’s engineered things so I’m barely here anyway angry and I’ve had enough. he’s refused mediation twice which finally broke my heart. any separation efforts solicitor etc which I can’t afford anyway will make him more unpleasant and he’ll definitely not go to mediation or sign anything anyway so I don’t see how I can start with him in the house? there’s also the matter of four children. I just don’t see what he gets from making me so unhappy and I really feel like I need another person to really hold my hand and guide me. citizens advice left me crying “what do you expect me to do?” angry “usually the man leaves” angry I’m just stuck. and heartbroken

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Mon 20-Jan-20 13:12:26

Ok. What would you like the outcome to be? Do you have a clear picture of what you think is a fair settlement offer?

needtoseperate Mon 20-Jan-20 21:41:16

I want to go to mediation so he can understand from a third party that we are separating as a start.
I want either him to go to his parents where the children can visit anyway or enough funds are made available for me to rent a bedsit then when it’s my nights with the children I could stay back here with them. all very reasonable but we need mediation first

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D1lemma2020 Mon 20-Jan-20 22:48:48

Why should an adult go and live with their parents ?

Can you both afford 2 homes ?

If you are married, why haven't you started the divorce ?

needtoseperate Tue 21-Jan-20 06:49:38

no we can’t afford two homes of course not.
he’s used money as an excuse before so I don’t like it being thrown at me now confused he wouldn’t have to pay at his parents.
i haven’t started divorce because of money of course!!!! and if he gets a letter he’ll shove it behind the toaster and ignore it same as if he gets a call about mediation oh and he’ll be even more nasty to me like he was before. I can’t start anything while we’re in the same house, I’ve learnt that. I did explain already and I’m not getting sympathy rather the opposite 😢

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needtoseperate Tue 21-Jan-20 06:52:15


Why should an adult go and live with their parents ? ^because of the way he has treated me! and he has parents here! I don’t! it’s a toxic atmosphere and no I’m
not going to shut up he can get lost to end the toxic atmosphere ^ I say to him “what did you expect to happen?” 🤬

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Tue 21-Jan-20 06:56:16

When I asked what you wanted the outcome to be, I meant what do you think would be a fair end result for both of you.

Stop bothering him with mediation, he isn't going to go and neither is he going to leave the family home.

File for divorce and make an initial settlement offer and negotiate from there.

ememem84 Tue 21-Jan-20 06:56:56

You’ve been married four years and have four children. Are they his?
Do you jointly own the house/on the rent contract?
How far away are you from your family?
Do you work? Do you have access to money?(from the sounds of it maybe not).

needtoseperate Tue 21-Jan-20 11:47:19

notsuch I already said. that we are both separated. both have a home which we are able to see the children in.

em yes jointly owned the home. all children are his, both work full time. I did not really have access to money no because he’s manipulative. my own low wages now go into my account then he demands money to take the children to their planned sports games or for food.

i need to be away from the home to file for divorce I’ve already said this I wouldn’t feel safe doing it in our home

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AgnusandMagnus Tue 21-Jan-20 12:07:35

If you don't feel safe filing for divorce your only option is to take the kids with you to a women's refuge. You could start by calling women's aid.

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 21-Jan-20 12:18:54

Unfortunately this is very common and unless one party agrees to leave the marital home and then you can't afford to leave then you have to either agree to get by whilst still co-habiting, leave and go to friends/family or leave for a shelter - but understand all that entails.

He doesn't sound like the sort of person who would go to mediation so personally I would rule that out.

I'd start divorce proceedings, it doesn't have to cost a fortune if you do it all yourself. No way could I have afforded a solicitor.

LemonTT Tue 21-Jan-20 13:40:09


People are making suggestions and trying to help you. The opening post is hard to read and alludes to things. It’s unfair to attack people who have taken time to try to help. That you need to take action is a fundamental point. Either you take the children and leave or you take legal action.

You are adamant you are not leaving. Then the only options I can see are to instigate divorce proceedings, sell the house or apply for an occupation order.

In the meantime you don’t need to contribute to the toxicity. Indeed by not engaging in it or with him you are demonstrating your determination.

D1lemma2020 Tue 21-Jan-20 13:59:47

We are looking at your situation in a non emotional way

Stick to facts

Mediation looks like it will not occur

Make an appointment to see a family solicitor & start proceedings to file for divorce. You will need to take identification & probably a list of your assets. You should aim to clarify a financial split and a childcare/maintenance split

Where your exH lives is not really your concern. You have no say where he lives and vica versa. Most people don't move back to their parents after a relationship breakdown

Do you have some friends or a counsellor that you can off load some of the emotional burden ?

needtoseperate Tue 21-Jan-20 15:56:50

Lemon I’m not not adamant that I’m not leaving but I’m not going to leave the children and I’m not going to leave without proper arrangements or it’ll be “sod you then goodbye” and for a long time I was intending to leave but I get paid £1092 pcm and it goes on food petrol and children’s expenses. so I don’t see how I could save for a deposit to rent? do you?

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Mumblechum0 Tue 21-Jan-20 16:06:44

You could simply issue the petition yourself, you know. The website has all of the relevant forms.

Just make sure you leave all options open in terms of finances. Fill the petition form in, take or post it to your local county court with the fee payable and a statement regarding the children (also available online). If he ignores the petition, get it served personally by the court bailiffs at his work or home.

Then if he still ignores it, apply for Decree Nisi. By that point he will be engaged and you can get solicitors to sort out the financial deal.

Disclaimer; although I'm an ex family lawyer I'm rusty, changed specialism almost 10 years ago but the principle is the same.

AgnusandMagnus Tue 21-Jan-20 16:18:53

Stop giving him money for a start. If it means the kids stopping sports then so be it. You can petition for divorce yourself or you stay or you can leave and go to a women's refuge and file from there. But those really are your options.

needtoseperate Tue 21-Jan-20 16:36:03

Thankyou mumblechum0 that’s very helpful

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BedSprings Tue 21-Jan-20 17:04:20

OP, look on it's a really helpful website and forum with free access to a solicitor. The site is partly funded by the government - you'll get some good advice from people who know their stuff on there. I found it a godsend.

BlackTulip71 Wed 22-Jan-20 22:39:31

I totally understand your frustration. It took my husband 18 months to accept I wanted a divorce. Spent 12 months trying to get him to mediation. We never got there together. Finally he’s accepted. I think was in denial. Now he’s moving out. My advice would be keep up the gentle pressure and stay firm. He has to get his head around it. Good luck.

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