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I’m so much pain

(17 Posts)
Nighowl Fri 17-Jan-20 21:23:51

We only decided to divorce at the beginning of October by the start of November he started seeing someone. Pretty certain it’s been going on longer but they won’t admit it. Ow is a friend and someone I have to see nearly every day. H and I still live in the same house and trying to sell. He’s decided he’s going to take the kids out with OW this weekend I’ve asked him to wait till we have moved but he won’t. This is killing me I can’t stop crying, it feels like he’s just going out of his way to break me. How do/did you cope with this. He knows how much this will hurt me and even asked if it was ok. But when I said no he said he was going to anyway.

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45andfine Fri 17-Jan-20 21:38:01

You can see that you're better off without this cold, selfish piece of sh*t in your life can't you?

It does hurt, but it hurts less and less overtime as you realise how much better off you are without him.

Nighowl Fri 17-Jan-20 21:44:21

I know. I don’t want him back. She’s welcome to him it’s just how’s he’s going about it all with so little regard for my feelings. I was supposed to be out tonight and he’s said no I have to get a babysitter and has gone round hers! I’m really grieving for what the future lost not him and could not even imagine moving on so quickly he has no empathy at all

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Doyoumind Fri 17-Jan-20 21:51:18

He's messing with your children and risks upsetting and confusing them. Always try to base your reasoning with him around them and their feelings rather than yours. It may be more difficult then for him to be dismissive. You don't say how old they are but they will either see now or look back and realise what a selfish dick he is.

Nighowl Fri 17-Jan-20 22:26:04

They are primary school age and both know the OW as we see her every day at school. I’ve said it’s too soon for the children, they are both very fragile but he just wants to do what he wants

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awishes Fri 17-Jan-20 22:30:39

It's so hard but I think men find it much easier to compartmentalise things and move on.
Find something extra nice to do when he goes out with her and the kids and don't sit and be sad. Make the most of some me time
You know you don't want him back so with time the pain will lessen. 💐

Doyoumind Fri 17-Jan-20 22:32:21

Just focus on them and yourself.

Is there anyway for you to get out of the house sooner?

Otter71 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:36:25

Expect fallout but not necessarily the fallout you expect. My kids are teens. A year on we are both seeing other people and have 50/50 for the youngest (eldest at uni) I have made it very clear to new dp that I see him when I don't have DD except the odd day out where both of us bring a friend. stbxh appears to have his new dp around frequently when she is there and has missed pickups to be with new dp. Yet somehow this is my fault not his in the eyes of DD... Who knows...

Nighowl Fri 17-Jan-20 22:45:31

I can’t go out sooner as I’m looking after the dc. I will def go out Sunday afternoon while they are out. All this would be easier to deal with if they just waited until we had moved. I’ve no idea how the children will react, I’m hoping they think nothing if it and think of it as a play date - her kids are going too.

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Doyoumind Fri 17-Jan-20 22:50:30

I meant moving out sooner. Is there any way you can rent for a while or get him to?

Nighowl Fri 17-Jan-20 22:57:35

No. But he only comes in for about ten mins. He can home tonight while I was just about to dish up dinner so I went for a shower so he could talk to them and he left before they finished eating. And he reckons he wants 50/50 when we move

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unicornsarereal72 Sat 18-Jan-20 07:38:27

He is being a selfish arsehole. And you know it. That doesn't make it any easier. And nothing you can say or do is going to change his approach. He is going to do his own sweet thing.

Have you sought legal advice. And discussed contact. If he is making social plans you need clear time that is your time too Say every Saturday.

It hurts like nothing else and you just need to grit your teeth and try not to show any emotion.

My ex had ow/gf at contact from day one. She would be in the car at pick up. It made him feel better about himself I guess 🤷‍♀️. He gave no thought to the children's or my feelings. It was and always was about him. It eases in time.

Try to do something for you. Hair cut. Flowers. Walk in the park. I know you don't feel like it but fake it if you have too. Gather people around you and be kind to yourself. You deserve so much better

Itsallchange Sat 18-Jan-20 07:47:28

I’m sorry it sounds so shit for you...when are you planning to move out? Keep a track of all the time’s he has the children he sounds like he is saying 50/50 for the sake of maintenance maybe, although if he moves her and her children in this will affect your maintenance unfortunately. Definitely see a solicitor if you are living separately (finances) then look at what help you may be entitled too this may help you get your ducks in a row quicker enabling you to move on.

Nighowl Sat 18-Jan-20 08:31:29

He won’t commit to any times other that the school drop offs/pick ups ( 1 drop off 2 pick ups) that he already dies to five my work. I have suggested every other weekend and he said just a Saturday or Sunday and will stay home one week night....but won’t commit to anything despite me offering to draw up a rota to make things clear

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olivertwistwantsmore Sat 18-Jan-20 10:03:22

What a shit. So you can't make any plans to do anything yourself as you have to wait around to hear what he decides to do. What a Prince.

Have you taken legal advice?

It would be much fairer for you if you had a schedule if when you each have dc.

Take care of yourself.

Bluntness100 Sat 18-Jan-20 10:12:28

This is very difficult, in his head you've been split for nearly four months and he's been with this woman for three, so sees no reason for her not to be involved with the kids as she knows them anyway.

In your head your still reeling from it and this just makes it more real.

On an impartial level I don't think he should do this, it's too early, but many do.

You need to understand he's not thinking of you, he's thinking of himself, his new life etc. Not how well you handle it.

So you need to try to take some positive steps to deal with your own mental health round this. See the time as a break. Don't focus on them being together, try to keep yourself busy with other things.

Nighowl Sat 18-Jan-20 11:32:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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