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Do I stop contact? I can't take anymore.

(20 Posts)
Hollyrose79 Mon 13-Jan-20 13:16:22

I am at the end of my tether with my ex husbands behaviour where our girls are concerned. We have 2 girls who are now 7 and 9. We have been separated for 3 and a half years, I moved myself and the children out 3 years ago and finally got the divorce through at the beginning of last year. I have been with a new partner now for 2 and a half years, he has lived with me and my children for 2 years. He has been a great support, building me up after suffering emotional abuse from my ex. He has taken on the girls and treated them as his own and they feel comfortable with him and love him.
My Ex constantly tries to control our lives, still. He thinks its his god given right to change plans whenever it suits him. He thinks he can say what he likes to the girls as " he is their dad".He thinks he can tell me that the girls are not allowed to spend any time on their own with my partner, I have tried reasoning with him so many times. He says nasty things to them about me, about my partner. I truly believe he is out of control. My youngest came home after staying with him christmas eve and told us daddy says my partner " is a f-ing nobody" and she actually said the f word. It broke my heart. I have lists and lists of things he has done and said, but last night was the final straw when they said daddy had told them if my partner sees them naked in the shower he is going to be phoning the police. My heart is breaking for what he is putting my girls through. I already have a mediation appointment booked for thursday but he has refused medaition before as he doesn't want to pay. It really is distressing. I am trying so hard to keep it together and keep the children protected, but this can't go on. The courts have never been involved as i never wanted to have to go through it or put the girls through it. I truly hoped that by now he would have let off.When we first separated i got a separation agreement where the contact was pretty much agreed along with maintenance. But that was obviously some time ago. Any advice truly appreciated.

OP’s posts: |
millymollymoomoo Mon 13-Jan-20 14:45:20

Ok I’m not condoning his behaviour but is it driven from a fear of missing out or being excluded from his children’s lives? Your partner is not their dad - they one one already. Could it stem from that ?

breatheinskipthegym Mon 13-Jan-20 15:00:13

I have an ex (or soon to be, he’s doing everything he can to derail the divorce) who’s almost exactly like this. He earns £150,000 (abroad, not subject to tax) and refuses to pay child maintenance. He changes plans at the last minute, picking the children up late or returning them early. Ultimately I’ve accepted that he won’t do anything unless obliged by the courts, so I’m slowly and methodically taking all outstanding issues to them for judgement. Sorry you’re going through this, but I imagine you’ll have to muster your courage to do the same.

The things he’s saying are harming your children, although I think the courts will see through baseless accusations (mine threatened to accuse my PVG-checked partner of paedophilia if I didn’t give him my car. I flagged it to the police in advance and they said they’d be on the lookout for non-substantive accusations. You could also try a non-molestation order or talk to the police about harassment.

One thing that’s helped me is arranging to his access to start at pick-up from school, and end at school drop-off. I email the school a few days in advance letting them know of the arrangement and cc him. He wouldn’t dare mess with the school as if then have authoritative evidence of his game-playing.

BrotherForBear Mon 13-Jan-20 15:00:30

Sorry but I kind of agree with the other commenter... it seems like your ex is just really frightened about this new man having access to his kids.
To be fair there is no reason that your new man should see your 7 and 9 year old naked in the shower.... and honestly I would prob be uncomfortable with anyone other than me or my husband washing or changing my kids. This man is your new partner but he's not the kids dad so maybe just reassure your ex that you won't ever allow him to bathe or change the kids. It might help settle his fears.

Whynosnowyet Mon 13-Jan-20 15:03:36

He shouldn't be bad mouthing you at all to the dc. Parental alienation is now illegal. I woods ee a solicitor and remind him of that.
How, when, state of undress is none of his business unless your dp is a child molester.
You do not have to pander to his insecurities as a df.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Mon 13-Jan-20 15:08:50

Sorry but I kind of agree with the other commenter... it seems like your ex is just really frightened about this new man having access to his kids.

What?! The man is abusive and this has nothing to do with him having genuine concern for his kids welfare - he's a controlling arse! I agree that the stepdad has no reason to see the kids naked (nor does he want to I imagine) but their dad is putting ridiculous ideas in the kids heads. He shouldn't be having that kind of conversation with them if he really is genuinely worried - he should talk to you!

I agree that you need to formalise any arrangements for him to see the kids, and then keep your communication with him to a bare minimum. I have a controlling ex who was trying to tell me what to do with my money long after we split up. He even suggested that when I remarried I get a prenup signed so that 'the house he bought me' (in his head my house was his because of the divorce settlement) still passed to our daughter. You have to learn to not engage with any of this crap, and then when the kids are old enough just don't speak to him at all. I went no contact last year when my daughter turned 16 and it was very liberating.

Mintjulia Mon 13-Jan-20 15:12:20

Yep, parental alienation is illegal. I’d write him a calm polite email asking him to stop. Then a blunter one. Then a solicitor’s letter, then back to court.

Three years is enough time for him to get his head around the new normal. Now he is harming your dcs to satisfy his own bad temper.

Eve23 Mon 13-Jan-20 15:24:51

Totally agree he is turing the kids against you

BrotherForBear Mon 13-Jan-20 15:40:46

*What?! The man is abusive and this has nothing to do with him having genuine concern for his kids welfare - he's a controlling arse! I agree that the stepdad has no reason to see the kids naked (nor does he want to I imagine) but their dad is putting ridiculous ideas in the kids heads. He shouldn't be having that kind of conversation with them if he really is genuinely worried - he should talk to you!*

I agree with you that he should be having the conversation directly with his wife rather than the kids but I do think as a parent it's natural to feel concerned about the boundaries of a new adult who is living with your kids.
I suppose it depends on the context too like if he is randomly just bad mouthing the new partner without provocation then it is completely out of order but if the child mentioned to him that "mummy's new boyfriend came in when I was in the bath" then I think his anger is justified... although he definitely should have spoke to the childs mother instead of the child herself.

IdiotInDisguise Mon 13-Jan-20 15:49:12

So what if he is frightened??? You cannot hurt your kids to deal with your own insecurities, if they are insecurities as given OP’s comments there was emotional abuse, he might be saying/doing all that just as a desperate effort not to loose control over the life of OP.

Abusive men soon learn that the best way to hurt a woman is hurt their children. They hate their ex more than they can possibly love their children.

Op, you cannot simply stop contact without getting yourself and the kids in a deep problem, you loose all the goodwill from the courts if you appear to be trying to stop contact even if your ex is a criminal.

As annoying as his comments are, you need to diffuse the situation with your DDs. If he says he will call the police if DP see the girls naked in the shower, you tell your DDs that they shouldn’t worry about that because DP never see them in the shower so it is silly for dad to worry about those things.

Whynosnowyet Mon 13-Jan-20 16:05:11

My exh spent so many years bad mouthing me to the dc they went nc.
With him.

Hollyrose79 Mon 13-Jan-20 17:00:49

Thanks all for your comments. For context I have no idea where this conversation regarding the shower came from, my partner goes no where near them whilst they are in the bathroom and feels incredibly uncomfortable when they run around naked, which kids will do..
Also I have only ever encouraged his relationship with the girls, bent over backwards to make sure he sees them as much as possible. I have tried to keep things as amicable as possible, nothing is ever rubbed in his face and I have tried to be as emphatic as possible, but I am losing patience now, and extremely worried about how his behaviour is affecting the girls.

OP’s posts: |
Ss770640 Wed 15-Jan-20 18:59:22

Your original question says a lot about you.

That you can't take it anymore. You don't like it. Your not happy.

Not a single mention of your children's best interests. Or their well-being. Or their wishes.

They are not your children. They are both your parents children.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Wed 15-Jan-20 20:39:40

Oh put a sock in it @Ss770640 - the ex is a twat and doesn't appear to have the kids best interests at heart by bad mouthing their mother. No wonder the OP can't take any more. With an insensitive comment like that you've clearly never had to deal with an abusive ex.

Cakeandmorecake Wed 15-Jan-20 22:47:00

Well said chocolate!

Hollyrose79 Thu 16-Jan-20 09:59:35

Thank you @chocolatesaltyballs22.
@Ss770640 you are right, I sounded so selfish.. I can't take it.. I can't take my children being damaged anymore, I can't take my youngest coming home from an overnight at her dad's telling me she cried for me last night, I can't take my children being bullied about who they are spending time with, I can't stand seeing a big black cloud coming over my children everytime they have to go to their dad's. I can't stand him spending his time with them bitching about me and my partner instead of putting his time and efforts into building his relationship with OUR girls. THEIR wishes are that they want to be happy, without hearing "daddy being nasty", THEIR wishes are to be able to spend quality time with my partner without the fear of retribution for their dad. I can't take it when I tell them that mummy is here to love and protect them no matter what and i get told "but their is one person you can't protect us from mummy and that's daddy". Why should I have to protect them from their own dad?
I really am the most selfish person going.

OP’s posts: |
youknowitmakessensedunnit Thu 16-Jan-20 18:38:27

Sorry but I dont believe "but their is one person you can't protect us from mummy and that's daddy" is something a 7 year old would say by themselves without an adult putting those words in their mouth.

My advice to you would be to formalise your children's contact arrangements with your ex via court, only communicate through writing, and for handovers to take place in public.

You don't say what the current routine is, but you dont have the authority to cut off your children's right to have a mother and father, as you appear to desire.

Hollyrose79 Thu 16-Jan-20 20:06:37

@youknowitmakessensedunnit
You haven't met my 7 year old. But assume what you will.
I have been to mediation tonight, they were very supportive and have shown me the best way forward.

OP’s posts: |
Cakeandmorecake Thu 16-Jan-20 21:24:10

Wishing you lots of luck in getting this resolved HollyRose.

Hollyrose79 Fri 17-Jan-20 12:18:37

@Cakeandmorecake thank you for your kind words x

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