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Totally confused!

(18 Posts)
Thelightatthebeginning Sun 12-Jan-20 15:16:14

I’m so confused by who should be paying who and what in the co-parenting of our child.

Ex will have our son 3 days a week and myself 4. So he has to pay me a chunky amount each month according to the CSA. However, he’s saying he can’t afford that and we’re having the son almost 50/50 so it doesn’t seem fair. He earns quite a bit more than me but I earn a good wage too. As our son is with him almost half the time is it fair he pays to me and I don’t pay to him? I really don’t understand it all. Can anyone elaborate?

OP’s posts: |
Clangus00 Sun 12-Jan-20 15:32:50

That does sound almost 50/50. Have you checked on the CSA calculator if he does in fact have to pay maintenance?

Thelightatthebeginning Sun 12-Jan-20 15:51:34

Yes according to the CSA he should pay me several hundred pounds a month. This is what’s confusing me

OP’s posts: |
Psychologika Sun 12-Jan-20 16:53:58

That doesn't sound right.

Techway Sun 12-Jan-20 16:59:43

One parent tends to have prime responsibility for child related costs and especially if that parent is the lower earning then it is fair to receive CMS.

The calculator takes account of nights with the other parent and the starting figure is only circa 10%. It doesn't feel too unreasonable to me.

If you have agreed 4 days with you then CMS does apply. Will he have 50% of holidays? What about sick days?

Thelightatthebeginning Sun 12-Jan-20 17:02:11

We will split holidays and sick days too I’d imagine.

OP’s posts: |
Graphista Sun 12-Jan-20 17:56:34

“I’d imagine.” Hmm

He’s ALREADY trying to wriggle out of paying the cms stated MINIMJM.

Why are you divorcing?

What was he like as a parent before the split? Did he honestly do his fair share? Not just the fun stuff? Did he do homework nagging, laundry, meals, teeth brushing, broken nights, early mornings (even on weekends and holidays), medical and dental appointments, school appointments, dads taxi etc?

Did he act fairly financially?

Best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

But also with separating couples nrps behaviour is prone to deteriorating.

Things to bear in mind:

Cms won’t back date to when you split only to when you officially inform them and start a claim so quite honestly you’d be better starting a claim ASAP to get that date recognised if he doesn’t play fair and you do have to use them.

He’s saying he can’t afford it when he’s on a much higher wage than you - well your child still needs fed, housed etc so if he can’t afford it what makes him think you can? Or are you supposed to let the child/ren go hungry? Or are you supposed to go hungry to be able to feed them while he’s in lap of luxury? You know his income and the living costs in your locale do you honestly believe this?

You know him, even with having the dc 3 days a week will he really cover half the costs? Including childcare, uniform, school equipment, clothes and shoes, haircuts, first aid & minor ailments supplies, tech, haircuts, transport etc?

Quite honestly I’d want a contract in writing witnessed by someone independent before I even considered giving him a pass on cm.

Go and read any of the MANY threads by myself and other single mums of how badly our exes have let down the dc on this score. Why not learn from our mistakes?

Ime it’s far more common that an nrp doesn’t come through, especially if they’re resisting from the beginning.

I’d be getting the contact terms in writing too, I really can’t see this guy taking time off for a sick kid even if it’s “his” day.

Clangus00 Sun 12-Jan-20 18:02:37

I would be on the phone (or apply online) immediately (or first thing tomorrow morning) to CMS.
I wouldn’t care one iota what he thinks!

LizB62A Sun 12-Jan-20 18:03:28

Just because you share custody nearly 50/50 doesn't mean that the costs of bringing up your child are shared 50/50.

Stick to what the CMS say he should pay,

If you let him start reducing it now, he'll keep doing it.

My ex ended up paying nothing as he set up a limited company to hide his earnings in - you have no idea what your ex will do in the future.

LizB62A Sun 12-Jan-20 18:06:20

p.s. 3 days a week = 42% and 4 days = 58% so your split of time is closer to 40/60 than 50/50

And as others have said, what about sickness and holidays?
I had to cover all of those, my ex couldn't be bothered.
He still used my parents for after-school care on his days (they didn't mind, and to be honest, I was happier with that as at least I knew he was being looked after properly)

ohwheniknow Sun 12-Jan-20 18:09:09

Yeh, I wouldn't be basing any decisions or plans on "I'd imagine" .

okiedokieme Mon 13-Jan-20 03:38:34

If you are still amicable, the fairest way is to sit down and work out the costs of raising your dc, who is responsible for them and ensuring that they are split either by each of you paying (eg food) or one transferring money to the other (eg childcare costs if you pay the bill). If you have him more he should pay a little more but it won't be hundreds

Ss770640 Wed 15-Jan-20 18:28:26

Page 29 of the CSA guide states that if custody is shared, neither party pays the other.

Why would they when costs are shared?

Thelightatthebeginning Wed 15-Jan-20 18:43:25

@Ss770640 Custody isn’t shared equally. Ex will have him 2.7 days a week (averaged out) and me the rest. Also ex earns £50k more therefore to have the same standard of living in both houses he needs to pay maintenance. The amount I’ve asked for is the amount the CSA calculator tells me

OP’s posts: |
Blushingm Wed 15-Jan-20 20:47:40

Did you click 3 overnight stays a week with ex in the calculator?

Ss770640 Wed 15-Jan-20 21:19:30

It doesn't matter what he earns.

You both brought a child into the world. So if you have 50/50 then there is no need for either party to pay the other. As it is equally split.

This is basic fairness. You cannot use a child as an excuse to extort money.

Cakeandmorecake Wed 15-Jan-20 22:44:45

OP don't listen to Ss

deadliestlampshade Fri 17-Jan-20 07:20:47

@Cakeandmorecake don’t worry I’m not paying that any attention. Particularly as they don’t seem to be able to grasp the basic understanding that 2.5 days a week isn’t 50/50! Not the brightest

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