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Moving past missing someone and the fears

(52 Posts)
Notamummybutneedhelp Sun 05-Jan-20 21:11:28

I added a previous thread about my marriage breakdown. In essence after 8 years together and almost 5 years married, my husband abruptly decided he doesn’t feel the same anymore and wants out. He can’t articulate why this happened and I’m at a loss as I genuinely thought up until very recently everything was ok.

I’m trying to make myself see that I’ll be better off without him and I know divorce is the only option as even if he changed his mind I would never ever trust him again.

That said, there’s two things I’m struggling with.

A) How do you just let go of everything you built together? We made so many lovely memories and such a good life. This is my first adult relationship so I’m really struggling with just accepting that life as I know it is over and my new life without him is going to be so different and in some ways difficult.

Another stinger is that he also earns quite a bit more than me so although I’m coming out of the settlement ok he’ll be able to continue his good life and I’ll struggle. Given how heartless he’s been and how much or a coward he’s been this feels so unjust. Daft I know.

B) The what comes next. Because I didn’t have closure I’m not sure what went wrong. I’ve pretty much just had “it’s not you, it’s me”. And all conversations have been over WhatsApp, he’s too cowardly to speak to my face. He’s adamant there’s no one else and I’m not sure if I believe him but don’t have much choice. That said, the idea of him being with someone else now or later, confiding in someone else and sharing his world with someone else makes me so sad. I feel so rejected and the idea of the “next woman” who in his eyes will be so much better than me just hurts so much.

For anyone that has gone through this, how do you do it? How do you stop those feelings?

Any advice would be much appreciated x

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isittimetogotobed Sun 05-Jan-20 21:16:31

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I am so sorry. That is so hard that you have had no closure.

Yellowshirt Mon 06-Jan-20 01:52:05

I have no advice. I'm still struggling 18 months in. If anything this past month I've sunk to my lowest ever. I'm now struggling to get out of bed unless its for work.
Good luck.

ButterflyRuns Mon 06-Jan-20 01:58:51

I'm so sorry that it's been so difficult for you. I felt incredibly depressed after my marriage fell apart (we had been together nearly 9 years and married for 18 months), but I did initiate the divorce because we had drifted apart and weren't compatible anymore, lots of arguing. Coming to terms with the end of a relationship is incredibly hard, were there any warning signs this was coming? It's terrible that he hasn't even sat down to have a proper conversation with you.

ExH was my first proper adult relationship too, but honestly I think time does heal. You realise that everything is going to be okay and there is life after them, but it's best not to rush into anything new and just focus on yourself for a while before you get back out there. That said OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel, there are so many more amazing people you'll have the chance to meet who will treat you better than he has. Wishing you all the best flowers

Una2020 Mon 06-Jan-20 20:24:33

I'm going through the same thing right now. Really struggling and dont know how to stop my feelings. When I hear the neighbour's door go my first thought is he's coming home. Pathetic i know. Fighting with myself not to text him and generally feeling lost. In my head I know I deserve better but the heart doesnt always sync with head. All we can do is hope that time is a great healer and get through one day at a time. Doesn't feel like it at the moment. Waiting for bedtime so I can tick the day as done. If you can figure out how to PM here you're more than welcome to text me direct. Sometimes sharing your thoughts gives you more clarity. Stay strong!

Notamummybutneedhelp Mon 06-Jan-20 21:16:32

Thank you everyone. I’ve since taken the step to delete him and his family from all social media. It’s too hard to see and I’m obsessing.

Before doing this I did check who he follows and who follows him. From this I found he follows an awful lot of almost pornographic accounts on Instagram. This is so upsetting because it’s so disrespectful and undermines our relationship and trust. Also I had no idea he was like that at all. I just feel like every day I realise I knew less and less about him and wonder what on earth was going on and how I was so blind.

I’m really struggling with the idea there isn’t someone else because he just seems to want everything done and dusted as quickly as possible. For this reason I feel like I probably need an STI test to be sure but I’m mortified to have to go.

Why is it so hard?! It’s frustrating because I know I’m better off, and keep finding out more reasons why this is true, I’m trying to be so strong but it all feels so unjust and unfair. How can a person just treat someone they were once so in love with like they’re nothing?

Hope everyone is ok tonight. Another day nearly ticked off x

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Notamummybutneedhelp Sun 12-Jan-20 11:47:21

Why is this so difficult? I feel like I keep taking one step forward and 5 steps back.

At the moment I’m just obsessing about the fact he’s moving on so easily. If I had some answers it might be different but I’m just going round in circles trying to find my own closure.

He’s out and about enjoying his life and I’m just completely baffled as to how he’s able to when every day I’m just struggling to get through.

I know I’m doing well not to message him (apart from one Boxing Day blip) and I am trying to keep my dignity. However, I keep looking at the social media accounts that are still visible (after I unfollowed/unfriended him). I know I shouldn’t but it’s the only way to know anything.

I’ve also started snooping on an account of one of the girls he works with (who I am suspicious of) who kindly put some pictures of the two of them together at a recent conference. She did it with other guys too not just him but seeing them together just incensed me. And on our last discussion about the house when I asked where he was staying he mentioned he might be going to stay with “a colleague” and I’m just really now wondering if it’s her.

I also can’t seem to stop checking his “last online” status on WhatsApp when I can’t sleep and it’s often into the early hours of the morning.

I keep thinking about different situations and what he’s saying to people and telling them about our relationship.

It’s just driving me insane because it all seems so unfair that he just let his feelings change, didn’t try and essentially just used me to keep his life going. Now he’s ready for his new life and I just have to quickly try and make my own new life, whilst picking up the pieces of my old one and trying to figure out what the hell happened.

If anyone has any tips to stop being crazy please share.

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Dazedandconfused10 Sun 12-Jan-20 14:03:06

I'm in the same position. 7 years together, married for 5 and now he decides he doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with one person....

I deleted social media and I'm trying to keep busy and take time for myself too. My heart physically hurts and it sucks but I know with time it will get easier.

I cant imagine ever getting involved again with someone. I've been hurt too much so I'm just taking it day by day.

Notamummybutneedhelp Sun 12-Jan-20 14:26:18

I’m sorry you’re in the same boat. How long has it been since you split? Do you suspect anyone else? Is he remorseful or just carrying on with his life?

It really is so painful, I agree it is like actual physical pain. I have a friend who has just split and it’s hard but they both agreed the love was gone so it was easier.

I’ve been completely blindsided and feel tricked and betrayed. The emotions swirling around are just too much to keep up with.

I’m the same, can’t imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.

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Dazedandconfused10 Sun 12-Jan-20 14:30:48

Its been 2 weeks since he moved out. He's sad too, but thinks he needs to do this. Maybe we will reconcile down the road. There is no OW but I know he likes someone else which is what caused his conflicted feelings.

It's so rubbish. I'm just existing right now pretty much.

Una2020 Sun 12-Jan-20 15:22:01

The pain is physical. Like someone is squeezing your heart inside. It hurts badly. Could it be midlife crisis? Suddenly realising that you will only have this one woman until you die? And hes acting on this fear? What is this - he is sad too? Why making yourself sad? And men rarely leave without any encouragement. Its just their nature in my opinion. They might not have acted upon their thoughts but the thoughts are there. Thats why they are doing it. And reconciling down thw road? So he wants to have his cake and eat it. Just like mine: close the chapter but keep the book open. DH even dared to mention people can get married again to each other after getting divorced. Wtf. Mine has been gone for a week now. And i need to keep busy because the moment i sit down i get all the thoughts and its horrible. How can one ever trust anyone again?

Dazedandconfused10 Sun 12-Jan-20 15:51:31

He seemed miserable when I last saw him. Not eating well or sleeping, or even enjoying things he normally likes. He still thinks it was the right choice though. He's got alot going on so I'm trying to give him space to work things out but working on my in the meantime. Even if he does want to come back I cant guarantee I will be there waiting with open arms.

Scarletmonkey Sun 12-Jan-20 20:32:09

Going through this. It sucks and It takes time. I identify with so much of what has been said. It's for the best we've split, I know it. But everything, our lives, memories, our future, all gone. Its killing me.
I'm so up and down. After 18 months recently I've only started sometimes feeling happy again then something happens to bring it all crashing down, and I'm right back where I started.

Keep going.

Notamummybutneedhelp Sun 12-Jan-20 20:43:17

Oh @Dazedandconfused10 and @Una2020 a couple of weeks is still so soon, no wonder you’re feeling this way.

Mine is 8 weeks and although it does get easier the up and down moments will 100% be there for a while to come.

I resigned myself to the fact early on that even if he did come home saying he had made a terrible mistake, there would be no reconciliation because quite simply if someone does this now I genuinely don’t see how you could believe they won’t do it again. Telling yourself that helps you focus on the end goal which is getting yourself back on track but the pain in between is almost too much.

@Scarletmonkey what’s your situation? Are you divorced and have completely gone your separate ways now? Or are things still ongoing? I can’t imagine feeling this way in 18 months 😫😢 I’m the same though, it’s thinking about the past, our lovely memories, the future we had planned and just accepting that it’s all gone and we’re essentially now just strangers. It’s so so hard to process

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Una2020 Sun 12-Jan-20 21:58:10

Really struggling tonight. I feel exhausted from crying. This surely cannot go on for over a year. There wouldn't be much left of me after that. I always thought i was strong mentally but this is proving me so wrong. I dont know what to do.

Dazedandconfused10 Mon 13-Jan-20 08:48:40

I currently feel anger. I hate him for making me so miserable. I wish I had never met him.

Una2020 Mon 13-Jan-20 09:38:38

Anger is better I think. Rather than being upset and feeling sorry for yourself. I want to feel that anger. Bit Im not there yet. At the moment i just want to disappear. Keep that anger going. For a little while at least. Not healthy in long term i guess.

CharlotteMD Mon 13-Jan-20 10:31:55

It's a grieving process , similar to bereavement. Unfortunately there is no short cut so you have to put your head down, pull your collar up around your ears and just battle on through to the other side. Eventually you'll wake up one morning, throw back the curtains and notice the sun is actually shining ,that everything is in bloom and the sound of the kids next door laughing and squealing is life coming to get you.

Dazedandconfused10 Mon 13-Jan-20 11:08:48

I'm trying not to hold on to the anger. I've decided I'm going no contact and I'm not going to see him. He wants to be friends but I'm not giving him that - he either is my husband or nothing at all in my life.

Jojo28uk Mon 13-Jan-20 19:41:18

I was with my ex for 18years married for 1 year then he had an affair and up and left. here one day gone the next, 6 years on I’m still not over him I struggle ever day to stop thinking of him and move on work is my saviour only thing that keeps my mind off him and me going.

Una2020 Mon 13-Jan-20 20:37:25

Omg please dont say that. 6 years. I dont want to waste even 6 weeks if it would be up to me. Makes one think though. You hear all those stories but no one actually expects to be in this situation themselves. Has counselling really helped anyone to cope with divorse/separation and made you a happier? Or is it just time you need?

walesjojo Mon 13-Jan-20 20:43:54

Iv tried and tried to move on it just always comes back thou. you have good and bad times what works for some dosnt always work for others I don't know what else to do anymore.

Notamummybutneedhelp Mon 13-Jan-20 22:23:25

Oh @Jojo28uk 6 years is an awfully long time. They do say half the relationship but I don’t want to believe that’s true. I really hope it starts getting easier for you soon.

It makes my blood boil how it seems so easy for them to move on and be ok. My ex is being so “business like” as he says that’s “his way of dealing with things” - well I’d hate to see what kind of business you’d run mate if you can’t manage to keep a perfectly good marriage going and don’t have the decency to even be honest or talk about it.

@CharlotteMD I can’t wait for the day that happens. 8 weeks on I’m definitely having more positive moments, finding joy in small things like walks with my dogs.

I think going no contact and actually realising how little he seems to care has helped me deal with that (as well as listening to Cher Believe and Strong Enough on repeat)

However; it’s those moments where your mind starts making up scenarios and goes into overdrive thinking about all the things that upset you even though you don’t want to think it but you can’t stop it.

I mostly just seem to ask over and over how could he possibly treat me this way after so many good years and so many amazing times. We were so close, he was my best friend and he completely blind sided me, tore my life apart and then disappeared leaving me to pick up the pieces alone. That changes you feel about someone forever even if you do still love the memory of them.

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walesjojo Mon 13-Jan-20 22:36:02

@notamummybutneedhelp I know Iv tried so hard to move on just as he has with the woman he left me for but I always find myself back at base1 Iv tried to have relationships but it just dosnt sit right with me well it does not feel right I mean I'm 47 and I feel I'm just waiting for my time to be up or waiting for him to say he's made an awful mistake I just want to feel alive again like I did years ago I sleep work or drink they are my relationships I do have hobbies don't get me wrong I love doing my house up changing things that I do all myself or I do gardening in summer but I'm focused for few months then I'm back to base1 depressed and missing what I had.

Notamummybutneedhelp Mon 13-Jan-20 22:58:46

Oh @walesjojo you’re breaking my heart. You’re 47, not 87. You’re not waiting for your time to be up, you’ve got so much to live for.

And as for waiting for him to come back, could you ever trust him again? Could you ever look at him the same? That’s what I keep asking myself. I never ever could. So even when I want him back I know couldn’t do that to myself. You shouldn’t either. He’s made a huge mistake and that’s his problem...and he’s her problem now.

Focus on you and the things you love to do. I’ve made a list of all the things that annoyed me about my ex. It helped a little. Maybe you could try that? and there’s always someone here to listen too. Stay strong, we can all get through this!!

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