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Lost again

(11 Posts)
L05t Sun 05-Jan-20 08:58:15

Hi lovely folks.

It's been 15 months since I was told our marriage was over. I've had to move out over 12 months ago as ex was not willing to let me have the house. My ex still wants this to be amicable and is waiting the 2 years for a divorce (doesnt see any fault but I have shed loads of evidence). However... ex still doesn't do what is promised, still doesnt fully adhere to the parenting plan only when it pleases. Everything still seems to be on ex's terms.
In November I found the online dating profile I dreaded (we got matched as a perfect pair). I had a gut feeling and it was correct. We have to maintain contact for our child as we have a split care arrangement. The joy of modern technology. Well for someone who was always online they suddenly go missing for over 12 hours!

I've had my suspicions confirmed as unfortunately some people don't have good poker faces and can't engage with me when holding a secret.
Its killed me. I've crashed all over again but spectaculaly this time. I've not eaten in 4 days, dd is on my time so I'm trying to make it look like I'm ok so that my dd doesnt suspect.

After my collapse I've been told it's only a few dates. but I know my dd will freak when this all comes out. I'll hit the wall again I know it.

I'm scared that ex will introduce early and I'm now going to have to spend 2020 dealing with this mess as well as the pending papers I know will come through the door. Dd only talks to me and not to ex.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated x

OP’s posts: |
Notamummybutneedhelp Sun 05-Jan-20 20:38:24

Hi @L05t

I don’t have too much in the way of advice as I don’t have children but I just wanted to make sure you don’t feel alone until someone better equipped can help.

I can however say, my husband left me 5 weeks ago with little explanation and I’m absolutely terrified of the “new woman” situation. He says there wasn’t any cheating and it’s the last thing on his mind. However I know it won’t hurt any less when it comes out.

Some days I want to get ahead of the game (stupidly) and find someone first (maybe for a confidence boost I don’t know) but most importantly I know that whatever happens I am the most important. And you are the same, as well as your child. You can’t let his selfishness affect you - it’s not fair on you.

Stay strong, you can absolutely do this!!

L05t Sun 05-Jan-20 22:26:19

@Notamummybutneedhelp.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

OP’s posts: |
Yellowshirt Mon 06-Jan-20 01:48:15

@L05t . You have fallen for the same lies and tricks as me then. My ex got me to move out and also delay divorce pretending we could remain amicable. It won't last long. Get a solicitor assp . Move back home if possible as well or he has all the power in negotiations as you will be desperate for a settlement whilst he will keep delaying as he is settled at home hoping you will eventually accept a lower financial package.

Palaver1 Mon 06-Jan-20 21:32:31

Why did you move out ..

Bartlet Mon 06-Jan-20 21:47:51

Leaving aside the matter of the house, what is the issue with your ex dating if you have been separated over a year? Why should your dd learn anything about this unless you tell her? Not eating for 4 days when you discover that the ex you broke up with over a year ago has joined a dating app is not rational and is wildly disproportionate. Have you had counselling since the separation?

L05t Tue 07-Jan-20 06:59:20

I moved out because I felt pushed to. Ex had made the decision the marriage was over and was not willing to sell the property or let me have it. I could not be there while ex started new life and expected me to continue to play happy families. I did everything in the house and ex rarely lifted a finger to support me. I felt like the maid and house keeper. Ex was not willing to pretend for our dd and I did not see this as a great environment for her. I'm speaking from experience as a child myself.

OP’s posts: |
L05t Tue 07-Jan-20 07:06:54

@Bartlet
Thank you for your comments. I suppose there should not be an issue after 12 months of separation. My situation is that this is not what I wanted and the situation was forced on me. I deep down still want my ex back. I will not be telling her as its not my place, ex needs to do that. Yes I've had counselling and going for cbt now. I don't get how people can throw away so many years and just go off and find someone else. Ex says marriage is important but not enough to try and make the one they had work

OP’s posts: |
Otter71 Tue 07-Jan-20 09:08:58

I split at similar time. I moved out because hey no choice. Changing locks and leaving a suitcase... I have been dating since April. Tbh I had emotionally detached years earlier but hey I joined a dating site rhen.
Evidently you joined one too or you would not have matched, and why not?
Childcare is 50/50 for me at least for DD14 sounds like yours is too. I also have Ds 18 who stayed with dad and won't see me.
I had met a guy in April and kept things as separate as I could so that I only saw him when DD was at dad's. Introduced once in November on a day out where we both brought a friend. She had a nice day but kicked off as soon as I dropped off her friend and says I am unreasonable. I am still with the guy but have gone back to normal routine.
STBXH has a new girlfriend too who is not being kept separate, comes around when she is there, may help him not answer when he is meant to be picking up etc, but somehow that's fine by her and I am still the one in the wrong according to my daughter because I message him when she is here despite her being constantly on Instagram to her friends.
All I can say is do your own best but accept that DDs perception of the right way to do it and yours may be very different...

Bartlet Tue 07-Jan-20 17:26:25

Your reaction does seem OTT and must be damaging your dd. I don’t believe for a second that you shield her from your obviously very strong feelings on this.

You may believe that marriage is for life but the simple fact is that divorce is common and no one should feel obliged to stay in a relationship which they don’t want to be in. It is understandable to need some time to adjust but you don’t seem to have accepted it at all even after a year. Your DH doesn’t want to be with you and is perfectly entitled to date.

You need to find ways of disengaging and creating a new independent you. If you can’t move on from this you are going to ruin your life and your relationship with your dd.

ivykaty44 Tue 07-Jan-20 17:34:20

Sorry if I’ve misread, but you are also on a dating site, so expecting to move on and find a new live. Seems that your really not in the space for dating if your not over your ex

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