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My world has crumbled

(58 Posts)
Una2020 Sun 05-Jan-20 05:53:17

I have been reading all the posts on here and it is comforting to know I'm not alone. On Jan 1 my DH of 8 years has dropped the D bomb on me. And I don't know what to do. We have been together for 16 years and have 10-year-old DD. The pain is immense and i feel physically sick. We have had problems for the past 3 years but I've refused to let go. And I still wouldnt hadn't DH started this. Long story short. He met someone online 3 years ago, then met up with her in real, told me he needed space to clear his head and moved to his mums. While living back at his mum's house, every out of work hour he would spend with me and our DD. Basically playing a family but sleeping elsewhere. With the exception of his trips to meet up with his online lover which i wasn't aware of at the time. He was adamant there is no one else until i found an email which proved otherwise. We talked and talked and he said nothing happened with OW. I was so blinded by love that i accepted his lies. He still kept coming over and we occasionally even had sex. Stupid I know but this was kind of a reassurance for me that he loved me. So in Sept 2018 he moved back in with me and promised me he's back for good. DD was so happy to have her dad back and so was I. Our sex life continued and things looked good until 3 months later he needed to clear his head again and promised it will only be for a couple of weeks. I didnt really have a choice so out he goes again. He returned for christmas 2018 and said never going again. Everything was great and i felt my struggles were over. Then in March 2019 he was planning a guys trip to Amsterdam. I never have problems with boys holidays. Who wants to cheat will cheat regardless of a location and I even arranged his insurance and car parking. He returned and everything was fine. Until i unexpectedly found things on his phone proving the 2 year affair and his trips to see this OW. He said it finished last christmas and the trip in March was just a stupid mistake which involved no sexual activity. Now my head was properly messed up. I didnt ask him to leave because i only had him back not long ago. And love is blind. Our family life continued but i couldnt get over the things i had seen on his phone (not pics) and couldn' t stop talking about them which made him very uncomfortable. So this New Years Day he said he thinks we are too damaged and the only way for us is a divorce. Now im feeling like everything I went through before was for nothing. He claims to love me and wants to be a good dad but go our separate ways. He is saying this chapter must close now. But feels like the book is still open and if we are meant to be together we will find our way back. He says he loves me but i deserve better. I dont know if he is feeling so guilty and doesnt know how to fix it or if someone else is pulling the strings. Our DD is in pieces because she adores him. And I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I cant stop crying nor hiding it from our DD. She shouldn't see me like that. I don't know how to survive this. On top of everything else I'm worried about our finances. Now writing this and re-reading it feels like I'm a proper mug. My self esteem is in negative figures and i feel I've lost not just my partner but also my best friend. We always just had each other. I was never bothered about making new friends when i moved to this country because i had him. Now i have no one and im failing being a good parent. I feel like i should have kept my mouth shut and not bringing up his affair all the time. I was doing it less and less but the dsmage was done. None of my family and friends know of our struggles and they all like DH. I dont know how to address this issue. I'm so sorry about this dragged out story.

Nextphonewontbesamsung Sun 05-Jan-20 06:06:43

It is really tough and of course you will feel awful and hurt and rejected, probably for many months, but you will get through this and have an immeasurably better life without this arsehole for a partner. Tell him he can fuck right off with his "the book is still open". You should be worried about your dd seeing you being mucked around and cheated on persistently by her father - far more damaging than her witnessing some of your tears. Break up with this man for good - for her sake!

Everything will be fine flowers

HollyBollyBooBoo Sun 05-Jan-20 06:09:18

It's a horrific period it really is but you WILL get through this and you'll be a better, happier more content person for it.

Focus on the practical stuff and just get through one day at a time.

Be strong, do not let him back into your life, you deserve so much more than a cheating selfish arse.

howdisappointing Sun 05-Jan-20 06:15:47

Don't beat yourself up for listening to his bullshit over the years - he's been a devious fucker!
Keep contact with him to a minimum - just for practical child contact stuff - and put your energy into sorting out finances/ housing stuff and building a better life for yourself.
He's a prick and your life will eventually be much better without him. I know it doesn't seem like it now but there will come a day when you don't even think about him.

unicornsarereal72 Sun 05-Jan-20 08:57:03

There isn't a hurt like it. You have a grieving process to go through. Grieve for the man you thought he was. The family you have and the future you thought you had. Your life has been turned upside down.

Gather people around you for support. And see your gp

Start a journal about your thoughts and feelings to get it out. Don't off load on him. He has no answers for you. And tells lies to ease his guilt and to ensure he doesn't look like the bad guy.

As others have said focus on the practical things now. Tell himTo go. Start packing up His stuff and go as low contact as you can. Com
Communicate about contact arrangements and money only. And set up with the cms

You have given him ample opportunity. Now it is time to draw a line. I know how hard that is. You love him and your life together is safe. And the future is unknown but you do deserve better and so does your daughter.

Una2020 Sun 05-Jan-20 10:17:48

Thank you ladies for all your replies. It all is true what you are saying i just need to find the strength in me to face it all. I had to get it out last night. Any longer term agony aunts available?

unicornsarereal72 Sun 05-Jan-20 11:01:21

@Una2020 you are very welcome to pm me. Im 2 years down the line. It hasn't been easy but it becomes bearable and you forget the hurt for longer.

Be kind to yourself and gather good people around you.

Icanflyhigh Sun 05-Jan-20 11:20:07

Sorry you are going through this. I am 5 and a half years down the same line, with 3 DCs.

I am monumentally happier than I ever have been, I'm getting married again this year and I have a wonderful DP who accepts me and my DC as a package, treats us like we are precious treasure and generally puts us first and cares for us.

It was hard making it a permanent thing as ExH had been backwards and forwards for such a long time to clear his head etc on numerous occasions. I didnt find out until a good while AFTER he left the last time that he had several other women on the go.

He is still on and off with one now that he was fucking behind my back and she is convinced we are still married; and only last night friend requested me on FB to ask if we were getting back together confused

Una2020 Sun 05-Jan-20 14:57:39

@Icanflyhigh I'm glad it all worked out for you so maybe there is hope for me too. I'm terrified of being alone and feel helpless. Dreading going to work tomorrow in case i get one of the crying episodes. I'm usually very good at hiding personal things but not so sure I can this time. But i can't stay at home either. Even worse. He came over today to pick up few of his things and did mention that he is not doing it to hurt me but he needs to find out if the love he feels for me is the right type of love you feel for your wife. 16 years and he still doesnt know. Really? And if this was the case why bring up divorce yesterday as the only option? I have mothered him too much and made his life so easy. I have taken care of everything that's even a tiny bit of a hassle. All he has had to do is to make sure he gets up for work on time in the morning, occasionally driving us where ever we need to go and fixing smth that needs fixing at home. I dont like to drive to places i dont know and am a useless handyman. Maybe thats where i went wrong. I didnt make him feel like a manly man looking after his woman. But I thought thats what you are meant to do when you love someone. You do things for each other. And yes i have let myself go big time. Gained weight, hardly wear make up these days and just wear casual clothes. But is a bit of a lippy and heels really the basis of a good marriage? Arent you meant to love the person underneath? Maybe I'm wrong.

FlowerArranger Sun 05-Jan-20 15:11:56

Maya Angelou — 'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.'

Una2020 Sun 05-Jan-20 16:05:16

Wise words in hindsight . Not easy to follow though. Who dares wins. Unfortunately not everyone who dares to put all in wins. Im in the non-winning group.

Porseb Sun 05-Jan-20 18:24:46

@una2020 - I'm so sorry you are going through this. You ARE on the winning team. You are rid of this loser (who is no bid prize as he has proved time and time again) and you have your whole life ahead of you with your precious DD. One step at a time, and as a previous poster said - be kind to yourself thanks

Porseb Sun 05-Jan-20 18:25:13

big, not bid

lilmishap Sun 05-Jan-20 18:48:10

He needs to know if it's 'The right type of love' after everything he's done to you and the hurt he's causing DD, my god these men are shameless how could he say that to another adult without wincing as he did.

I hope it's not too long before you can see his treatment of you is so utterly contemptible that you wouldn't take him back if he crawled over broken glass because you will see that a polished turd is just shiny shit, and you don't want a shiny shit in your life.

It will happen.

You can't sidestep the painful bit and I'm so sorry.

Una2020 Sun 05-Jan-20 20:38:19

@lilmishap I'm so grateful for all your messages. After reading them i feel like I can do it. I just need to keep rereading them. The support here is amazing. Had i only know about this website before. What angers me is he is saying that he is hurting too. And he can't sleep and eat blah blah blah. Oh and yeah" by the way I'm going to Amsterdam next month with mates". Like I should be feeling sorry for him. I do not understand why i do. He did this, not me. Part of me still hopes he wants to come back probably because he's done it before and returned. And life was good again when he did for a while. I think my head is just properly f***ed up. And can you come back from saying you want a divorce to playing happy families again? I hate that i love him and i cannot help it. I wish i could stop just like that. But i dont want dd growing up thinking that it's ok to be treated like that.

lilmishap Tue 07-Jan-20 11:20:03

Expect to hate loving him for a while, if they had a pill for that we'd all know about it. There is no reason you would feel sorry for him and he should be expecting you to treat him with biblical fury and unbridled rage, it's quite telling that he isn't.

It's been said already but keep contact to a minimum, not only will it lessen his mindfuckery nonsense, it should allow you to start cultivating some quiet anger. It does wonders for your self esteem, when you can break the hopeless misery to seethe for a few minutes.

Una2020 Tue 07-Jan-20 22:20:10

@lilmishap you are right. The polished turd is just a shiny shit. The less contact the better I feel. Seeing him just makes me want to talk about us and what happened but there isn't anything to talk about really. All has been said. I'm just hoping to hear something comforting but its not happening. All the same excuses and reasons. When can i expect the anger to arrive?

Una2020 Wed 08-Jan-20 18:46:17

Ive been reading lots of threads here and so many stories are so similar. Some stories are way worse than mine. I dont know why do we even bother with relationships when only a handful of us find our happily ever after. How do you move past the lies and betrayal and trust anyone ever again? Even get married again? Evenings and night times are the worst. I can't possibly go to bed at 7pm. I wish they had a proper support groups where you turn up like Slimming World and AA. Would be nice to have a face to face contact with people going through the same thing.

SandyY2K Thu 09-Jan-20 00:21:38

You have a daughter. I'm sure both you and her dad would be furious if a man treated her like this in the future.

He is right... you deserve better than him. He actually wouldn't do thus if he loved you. He's treated you awfully, with no respect, because you've elevated and put him on a pedestal.

It sounds like your love was imbalanced for a few years at least.

Google the infidelity 180......take the bits that suit your situation and focus on you

You can do this.

Una2020 Fri 10-Jan-20 00:01:54

Really struggling tonightsad

spongedog Fri 10-Jan-20 00:14:31

He's a liar and a cheat. Move very quickly to secure your finances. Do not listen to any protestations from him about he will be a good friend, dad etc. IGNORE. Think he fucked you over literally.

artio0 Fri 10-Jan-20 00:14:32

Your ex partner sounds like a right little shit... What is it with men always looking for something else instead of investing in the family they have... Don't beat yourself up over taking him back or believing him when you did, it shows you have a kind and forgiving heart and try to see the good in people. All things that are admirable. Unfortunately your ex didn't deserve it... But that's solely on him. He will miss you and all the things you did for him and he will try to get you back, but he really sounds like he doesn't deserve you.

I wish you lots of strength, you're strong and you'll get through it!!! thanks

Una2020 Fri 10-Jan-20 00:22:40

Thank you ladies. I need someone constantly reminding me how badly he treated me and how blind i was. The feeling of loneliness is overwhelming though. And its not even i want to have him back but i want him to really regret it and realise what hes lost and beg for forgiveness. It would make me feel better then to show him the door. And it hurts that he doesnt seem to be that affected by it. Thats the worst bit. Im just thinking here maybe i need a rebound man in my life. Someone to make me feel good about myself again and offer distraction. Or is that a bad idea?

unicornsarereal72 Fri 10-Jan-20 18:18:29

@Una2020 you are going to go through all sorts of emotions.

I wanted my ex to tell me he had made a mistake and regrets his decision.

Then it occurred to me. He will regret his decision. Not because of me. But he walked away from his kids. He has to live with that decision always. And he has to answer to them when they ask him the questions. Why. And why he let them down even after he left. And I know he is in turmoil because of that. He won't let me see it. He will smile. Tell me how happy he is. Etc because he can't admit to me he got it wrong. He should of tried harder.

It has taken me a long time but I know me living the best life for me pisses him off. I was suppose to beg and crumble and need him. I may of buckled. But I'm standing tall now. And now thinking about dating. I have tried a few times previously to prove to him I am worthy. But I knew it wasn't the right time for me. A fling made me feel still desirable. But I couldn't handle a relationship.

You do what is right for you. Go and blow of steam if you need to do that. Just remember you maybe vulnerable and not to let anyone take advantage of that.

Frenchw1fe Fri 10-Jan-20 18:45:01

Be careful of a rebound man unless it's just for fun. It's too easy when your vulnerable to get hurt again.
The best revenge on a cheating partner is to get on with your own life and ignore him.
At the moment your ex is enjoying having two women wanting him. Metaphorically stick two fingers up by acting like you don't give a shit.

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