Ex taking items from the home

[MG08]

Me and my husband separated a few months ago. Nothing has happened in terms of any divorce proceedings etc. He Literally moved out one day and we see each other a few times a week as we have a child.

He keeps taking items every so often from our home because he thinks they are his as he paid for them. Soon after he moved out he said he was taking the television, I said no because it belongs to both of us. He paid for it but I paid for the sofas for example. He then tried to take a speaker, I said no as it was gifted to both of us. Recently he came round whilst I was out and cleared the shelves of the DVDs. Granted some of these were ones he owned prior to our marriage, but he has literally taken them all, there were hundreds and some were gifted to me for birthdays etc. He would have paid for the majority as it was a sort of hobby of his to collect films, but I still believe they were marital purchases, as they were bought for both of us.

His view is what is his is his and what's mine is ours. I paid for all the furniture, appliances, decor etc in our home, so given his view of whatever we personally paid for is ours, I will assume the contents of our home belongs to me?

He always takes things like this when I'm out and will only take clothes when I am home to see what he's doing. He told me he was coming to collects some bits, if I'd have known what he was planning to take I could have gone through them in advance.

Am I right in thinking items like dvds are a joint ownership and should be discussed and divided appropriately? And in fact any items that were purchased during the marriage?

[Northernsoullover]

Make a list of everything he has taken.

[champagneandfromage50]

I think its time to formalise your separation and go and seek legal advice and agree the way forward.

[lovealab]

Sorry, but I'd be changing the locks....do you have the keys to his new home? No? Then he shouldn't be able to come & go as he pleases....just my opinion!....and crack on with divorcing him

[MG08]

I wish that were the case lovealab but we have a joint mortgage so he owns the home too so I can't stop him coming and going as he pleases. I leave the keys in the lock when I am home so he can't just walk in when I'm here but I have no control over him coming here when I'm not in. And he has moved back in with his parents but yes I agree, I find it very hard that he can look around my home and snoop whenever he pleases but he can have his privacy.

[frazzledasarock]

Do you have access to the street via your back door?

I’d put a bolt on the front door and leave the house by the back door.

At least until you can get to a solicitor and get legal advice. He can’t empty the house contents as he chooses.

[MrsScrubbithatescleaning]

Of course you can change the locks. Just get it done!
He’s voluntarily left the marital home and it’s your home now. He hasn’t given you keys to his new home, has he?

It’s time you saw a solicitor and got some proper legal advice and basic ground rules written up. Does he have savings, investments, a pension?

Stop letting him dictate to you and making you feel uncomfortable in your own home and bloody stand up to him. You can do this!

[IdiotInDisguise]

I think you need to agree on how to split stuff that belongs to the two of you. It is not good that he is coming in and taking things but it is also not good of you to dictate he should only have what you don’t want.

I think you need to have the conversation, split the stuff and hopefully then he won’t have an excuse to come into the house.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

If you lost your handbag containing your house keys you'd have to change the locks wouldn't you ;)

[Dawsoncreek]

You can not change the locks. It’s his property too.

@MrsScrubbithatescleaning Stop spreading misinformation. Thank you.

[Breastfeedingworries]

You can change the locks, he part owns the home, so if it’s sold he’s allowed his share. Nothing to do with locks ect. You’re separated, think about domestic abuse, often they share homes and Mortages. Change the locks ASAP. Write down what he’s taken so half as best you can and keep it for your solicitor. It’s rude of him, because while he bought so and so you bought so and so. Everything should be shared out.

[Breastfeedingworries]

Okay you can’t legally change the locks sorry! But I’d “lose the keys” ASAP and keep forgetting to cut him one. Xx

[AgeShallNotWitherHer]

So you jointly own the house and the contents but you want to exclude him from the hosue and keep all the contents? What does he get out of this? A rented bedsit and no stuff? Seems unfair.

However - get some legal advice and proceeed with your separation properly. bear in mind that you have a child together so anything that makes it easier for the child is to be encouraged.

[MG08]

I don't want to exclude him from the house, well I would love to but obviously I understand he owns the house too, just frustrates me that it's not his home and I think its rude he let's himself in when I'm here and sneaks about removing items when I'm out.

I'm also not saying I want the contents of the house, but he is gradualy taking everything he paid for believing it's his and only his, and he has no need for the other contents such as furniture etc as he will never aim to move out of his parents house (one of the reasons for our separation was that he said I could never be a priority over them).

I have seen a solicitor for basic advice but at the moment I am just sitting back and waiting for him to make the first move re. divorce.

[PanamaPattie]

Move everything small that you want to keep into your bedroom and put a lock on that door. Divorce him and reinforce your emotional boundaries before he strips the place bare.

[Wallywobbles]

You need to prpetly sort out what's who's. Sticker all his stuff or simply clear all his stuff into boxes and discuss the rest.

[champagneandfromage50]

Oh well whilst you wait for him to make the first move on the divorce don't be surprised when your return home one day and find it emptied. Your being passive

[IdiotInDisguise]

When exH and I split, I stayed in the house so I told him that as he was the one moving out, he could take whatever he wished. One day I came out earlier than expected and found him leaving the house with the car packed with stuff, he even had the cheek of emptying the fridge even when he had moved 2 months before.

I just told him that I was okay with him taking things but that I needed to be told what he was taking as I didn’t want to be looking for things around the house that were no longer there. He never did it again.

[Yellowshirt]

Get the locks changed. Its what absolutely everyone does. It will cost him to much to get a solicitor involved and if he gets aggressive you call the police.
You just have to say you lost your keys but it won't go that far.
I'm speaking from experience. My wife changed the locks on me.
Forget the dvds . There worth absolutely nothing. The hole contents of your house will be less than £6000 unless you have all the mod cons in the world

[MG08]

The only issue with changing locks is that my ex comes round 3 evenings a week after work to spend around an hour with our daughter before she goes to bed. He always let's himself in on these days, I finish work early (and often inconveniently) to be there as he won't come in when my mum is here (she looks after our daughter when I'm at work). So 3 nights a week I have to come home from work and hide myself away so he can have time alone with our daughter.

[PickAChew]

You need to change that arrangement, then. You can't just leave work early forever.

[IdiotInDisguise]

That should be so confusing for your DD and it is not going to work in the medium or long term. Are you going to be happy to have him around when you are fighting like cats for the assets? What if he gets jealous if you find someone else? Do you want your kid in the middle of such tension?

For the sake of your DD, you need to change that arrangement ASAP.

[stophuggingme]

I couldn’t stand all this
Start the legal ball rolling

[misspiggy19]

Of course you can change the locks. Just get it done! LHe’s voluntarily left the marital home and it’s your home now.

@MrsScrubbithatescleaning you don’t know what you are talking about.

[Isadora2007]

Why can’t he do the childcare instead of your mum and let you work? Why are you pandering to his pathetic demands? You sound incredibly passive- start being proactive and make a list of stuff you want and tell him to do the same. Stuff bought as joint will have to be agreed on or swap some bits you want for some he wants. My ex took our massive tv and our wood burning stove and our leather suite for example. I kept the other furniture pretty much. And bought the house from him.

[doritosdip]

I would stop waiting for him to start divorce proceedings.

I would also stop having him round yours to look after your joint dd. He can do that at his (well at his parent's house)

Next ask him to make a list of what he wants to take. Check list. Arrange a day that he'll come to take it all. Moving it out in dribs and drabs is bollocks. This should have happened months ago.