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Still angry three years on

(19 Posts)
Legallybleachblonde Thu 26-Dec-19 22:18:24

My now ExH left me three Christmases ago for a woman he worked with - they are still together now. Our son was only 2 at the time. It was hell of course and all he wanted to do from the outset was sell our house and force my son and I to go and rent somewhere. We couldn't agree on a financial settlement via solicitors and because costs were racking up, we went to mediation. Once our individual financial situations were declared (including needs) he wasn't much better off than me (mainly due to a credit card debt he had incurred since he left 7 months previous). I couldn't afford to stay in the house and he didn't have enough surplus cash after needs (including housing) to help keep us there so reluctantly, I agreed to sell. I got a bigger percentage overall although it wasn't very much in terms of actual cash. At mediation, he said he would need circa £850 a month to rent a 2 bedroomed flat. Financial arrangements were tied up in a court order and as soon as the stamped document came back, ExH announced (1) that he was moving in with OW (she had a 4 bedroomed house) and (2) they were going to South Africa for two weeks on safari and staying in 5 star accommodation. My son and I ended up living in a small 2 bed flat temporarily after the house was sold as we had nowhere to go. I eventually bought a 2 bed flat (just scraped on a shared-ownership basis) and we have been living here a year. ExH is now on the mortgage with OW and they have recently had extensive building works done to extend their house and these took place while they were on holiday in Barbados!

He has our son two nights a week (sometimes three) and is a very good father, so I can't knock him there but I just feel so angry at how I was treated (like I was nothing) and although I try and see the positives to my life, I am increasingly becoming more angry with the situation and I just can't snap myself out of it. When we first met, he'd been bumming around Australia for a year and had no money. I was so besotted with him and he soon moved in and stupidly I supported him. I helped him with job applications, took out a mobile phone contract for him so he could gradually build up a good credit rating. What a mug was I?!!

How do I stop this anger eating away at me? Counselling I presume? Anyone else in a similar situation? Thank you for reading and Happy Boxing Day :-)

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MadamePewter Fri 27-Dec-19 11:50:08

He sounds like a proper shit. I’m not surprised you’re still angry!

Counselling has helped me, but triggers are still there. The kids have just gone off with him, somewhat sadly, for their holiday contact and I feel so sad and that it’s all so unfair. His actions in shagging his secretary have caused so much pain even four years since I found out for certain.

Today I could cheerfully eliminate the pair of them, so I can’t help you but I feel the same

Legallybleachblonde Fri 27-Dec-19 14:46:11

I had counselling right at the beginning but that was more to do with the upset of losing him to someone else etc but I'm long over that. My son has been with him the last couple of days and I still hate the fact he has to go and stay somewhere else. Everything I do is for my boy and that includes tolerating his father; there is no other reason he is in my life and I so wish I could eliminate him too lol. I dont actually feel any hate towards her now - it's all to do with him. I'm also angry that his parents think the sun shines out of his backside! I would always stand by my son but I would be disappointed if he treated his partner the way I was. Oh life is so hard!

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yesterdaystotalsteps123 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:45:17

I'm also angry and as women I think we're taught that anger is an aggressive, ugly emotion. I'm.not qualified whatsoever but I'd say allow yourself to be angry for a few minutes each day, then when you're done repeat the mantra holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And then spend the rest of the day on your and your son's happiness

Legallybleachblonde Sat 28-Dec-19 20:25:16

Thanks ladies. I think part of the problem too (and it has only just dawned on me actually) is that ever since he told me he was leaving, we have never been on our own together. DS was always there so I had to hold my tongue to protect him. Even the night he told me he was off, DS was playing with his toys in front us on the carpet. So I have never been able to vent my upset or (now) anger to his face. Maybe we all need a few rounds with a punch bag?!!

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Lamentations Sat 28-Dec-19 20:56:07

He's not a great father if he saw his son turfed out of his home unnecessarily. Then again this is only hurting you now so try to hold your head high and let it go.

Legallybleachblonde Sat 28-Dec-19 21:00:56

I know what you mean @lamentations - that's what all my family say. I suppose I mean he has him regularly, is reliable and looks after him. But you're right, at the time he wasnt bothered about the living arrangements. He said his sister managed on benefits and I would have to go down that route! Anyway... I'm getting angry again grrr

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yesterdaystotalsteps123 Sat 28-Dec-19 23:59:40

Look at it this way, before your son you were besotted with him, you couldn't have predicted he'd cheat, you got a gorgeous son out of him who lives with you and I'd rather be on benefits with my dc than in a swanky house any day, and your anger has probably protected you from more hurt such as continuing to sleep with him or meeting someone else too soon who isn't right for you. Every cloud....smile

SelenaMeyer2018 Tue 31-Dec-19 06:40:15

Just want to add enjoy your new home! Well done for managing to secure a shared ownership place - this is what I hope to do. It’s a safe place for you and your son, to make homely and cosy!

Can’t help with the anger as I am very much in the same boat... 😡

Sending you all the best xx

Legallybleachblonde Tue 31-Dec-19 08:27:11

Thank you 😊 our flat is lovely and I feel so lucky to have it. We're both happy here. We missed the garden in the summer but there are lots of parks and open spaces nearby. Time is a great healer; I've learned that much over the last three years. Happy New Year to you all 😊

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chilling19 Tue 31-Dec-19 08:38:13

Go back to counselling and work on letting your anger at this waster, and user, go. He obviously targets women with money and left you for someone with more than you. So it was not personal, just his method. Being the victim of a con is hard to bear, but you can get past this and you and your son will be happy.

Legallybleachblonde Tue 31-Dec-19 11:07:29

I'm lucky as get free counselling sessions through occupational health at work so I'll give them a call in the new year and get some booked in. Anger is what has kept me driven but it's time to let go of it now although it feels like I'm giving in and allowing him to walk all over me; being weak. Silly really as I've been anything but!

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chilling19 Tue 31-Dec-19 13:30:07

Once you let go, the relief will be enormous. You will still be you and he will continue being a user and will probably end up on his own. Good luck.

Twobigsapphires Tue 31-Dec-19 14:10:50

Sadly I think this is a reality for most. It’s all to easy to compare our lives with someone who we once shared it with. After all, you had the same, now it’s different. It’s almost like siblings in a way.

I still sometimes get angry about my divorce, 7/8 years down the line. I instigated the split but he was relieved tight k as we had been miserable for years. We agreed to sell the family home and split profits 50/50 and buy something else on our own. In hindsight I wish I’d got more as I put 40k deposit down and paid the mortgage all the time we were together. He spent most of our marriage in and out of work. I just wanted to keep it amicable.
He bought somewhere mortgage free whilst I had to remortgage a huge amount to house me and the kids. Meaning I had to take a more stressful job etc. He now lives off of benefits so doesn’t pay any maintenance. He has a lovely little cottage in the country and seems to have all the time in the world.

I have learnt to try and see the positives though. I am happily remarried to a hardworking man and now have a great career. Yes we have a mortgage but we have a lovely home that is ideal for the kids.

The kids always realise who is there for them.

Palaver1 Fri 03-Jan-20 09:16:51

My how blessed you are that you are out of the crap.
You are on the way to healing its the unfairness of it all but you just watch and wait all this shit im in love is only held due to the finacial gain and the stress of not being seen to fail in this relationship so you dont have the last laugh.
Do you have any interests of your own.
Im so pleased this break up happened earlier than 25 years down the line as in my case .
You will let this anger go but in time look at what youve achieved and well done for planning to go for extra support

Legallybleachblonde Fri 03-Jan-20 11:01:31

Yes, I am very glad to be out of it and released from him emotionally. I loved him so much but now see it was quite one-sided. I think I 'saved' him at the beginning; he probably never really loved me in the true sense, just felt obligated I suppose. Anyway... in terms of interests that's quite difficult although something I want to change. I work school hours so do drop and pick up 4 times a week so mostly in the week I'm preoccupied with DS (he started school last September) and any free time is spent catching up with chores, friends and family. I try and fit in a swim or a run but there's not a lot of time for much else. My mum was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year and is in decline so I like to help her and my Dad out when I can.

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Legallybleachblonde Fri 03-Jan-20 11:44:28

25 years Palaver? That must have been awful for you :-(

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Palaver1 Fri 03-Jan-20 15:45:59

You dont know the half of it ..fing wanker

Palaver1 Fri 03-Jan-20 15:47:01

Youll be fine just find mark.my words xx

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