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Xmas - separated but still living together

(96 Posts)
Nighowl Mon 16-Dec-19 21:29:23

Anyone else facing this? I’m dreading Christmas. We decided to separate at the end of September and have been living together since. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m organising all of Xmas for the kids and a birthday, upped my working hours, waiting on getting a mortgage approved, looking for houses, trying to hold it together for the kids,but I’m so uncomfortable in my own home. I just want to move and get on with my life but there’s nothing on the market so realistically I’m looking at at least Easter before I’m out.... need a fast forward button

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paris100 Mon 16-Dec-19 21:46:07

Me. Trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out without crippling myself financially and trying to keep things stable for the children. Decided to separate in May and he’s still in the house so I’m dreading Christmas.

Fallinginlovewdme Mon 16-Dec-19 22:03:46

#metoo and new years! Can't stand him in my space anymore. To top it all have court dates on 3rd Jan. So submitting documents now. The tension is unbearable. All common friends, no family, anywhere I go, he is there! Leaving my kid with him for the first time n heading to another country to meet my family.

Nighowl Mon 16-Dec-19 22:19:32

Yep the financial side is another huge worry.... I can’t buy dh out. Will sell and buy but don’t have enough to buy in the same area so having to prepare the kids for this too. My head feels like it will be explode there’s so much going on in there and can’t sleep.
No idea how you’ve managed since May Paris!!

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Nighowl Mon 16-Dec-19 22:21:48

Falling in love.... you certainly find out who your friends are, feel so let down by many of mine. My closest joint friends came round over the weekend while I was out with ds. 😢

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CurtainTime Mon 16-Dec-19 22:46:27

Same here. Are your children aware of the separation? He was supposed to moving out in November but hasn't (due to his own financial issues) and therefore will be here for Christmas.

I didn't want to tell them this close to Christmas as I didn't want them to permanently associate Christmas with their parents separating but obviously that makes everything more difficult.

I am just trying to make the best of it and power on through. It's so difficult though especially when feel like you are the only one being a grown up.

I would love to have a fast forward button.

Nighowl Tue 17-Dec-19 06:38:46

Yes mine know. They have known for about 6 weeks. They are coping very well, it’s been hard, as so many questions that I cannot answer...... where will we live etc. I’m looking to move as close to where we are as possible so they don’t have to change schools, but this means downsizing massively.... so another huge worry....

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Uptheshard Tue 17-Dec-19 06:50:54

Yes curtain, I hear when you say you feel like the only one being a grownup. We separated in the summer , he wouldn't leave, so myself and the children left. The last year living together was awful. Anxiety made me I'll.

4 months later here we are at peace.
Only when you get out of the physical living together does your head clear and you can see the way forward.

Its a struggle financially but nothing like the tragedy of living with someone you are beginning to detest .....

Nighowl Tue 17-Dec-19 07:37:28

One of the hardest things for me at the moment is the ‘brave face’ my friends and family know but after the initial shock I feel people think I’m just getting in with it. Think my parents have called me three times max don’t feel I have the support I need right now. Want to just hide away till it’s all over but obviously have to get on with it all! It’s so overwhelming dont know how I’m managing to hold it all together ( just)

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lifeisgoodagain Tue 17-Dec-19 08:00:56

Stbexh has moved out but is coming for dinner (I stupidly invited him). Could be awkward, especially if he turns up early, before my boyfriend has left for his mums! Take it in your stride ... it's going to be tricky - a year ago I was (I thought) happily married but now I'm happier than for years, fallen crazy in lovegrin plotting my escape from my grey boring city as soon as I can persuade my adult kids to get a life! There's hope ... even for those of us who are not spring chickens

Nighowl Tue 17-Dec-19 08:25:33

Life’s good again! That’s so good to hear! I’ve spent the last three years miserable. It’s got to get better. But I’m 47 with a 10 and 8 year old and can’t even imagine anyone wanting to be with me in my situation and tbh really can’t imagine being with anyone else or wanting be with anyone but equally can’t imagine being alone. I’m such a control freak and like to know exactly what’s what and plan every last detail and now everything is up in the air I’ve no idea where I will be in 6 months, how I will cope financially and emotionally on my own and it’s so scary. The timing is bad, Christmas is pissing me off right now and that’s not what usually like at this time of year. I want to get on with moving but no one is selling right now so everything is on hold!

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CurtainTime Tue 17-Dec-19 10:22:36

@Uptheshard glad to hear they are coping well. I wish I'd had the conversation back in November. I delayed due to the plan for him to move out and well that didn't happen now it's just too close to Christmas. Just need to get through the next month and then hopefully I can start moving towards that brighter peaceful future.

@Nighowl sorry to hear you don't feel supported. I'm lucky that my lovely Sister has been an amazing support. Friends have been around and do check up on me but as you say they tend to be getting on with their own lives and expect you to be doing the same.

It's so hard though, I'm suddenly having to figure out what to do next in terms of where to live, schools, finances, etc....all while have to put a brave face on at work and at home. Plus the person who'd you would normally rely on is suddenly someone you don't even recognise anymore.

Spritesobright Tue 17-Dec-19 11:32:33

I did Christmas with my ex last year and set up some survival strategies.
1. I got him to cook dinner while I went for a run (we were hosting his family, so that's fair).
2. I set up a planned visit to my neighbours so that everyone had to leave at a certain point.
3. Gin
Can you do something similar?
This year he's having the kids and my boyfriend and I are going to spend the day eating chocolates and drinking champagne...
So it does get better!!

Coronade Tue 17-Dec-19 22:38:52

Split up a few weeks ago as found out he’s having an affair with an old girlfriend from 30 yrs ago (whose still married) who messaged him on Facebook. He won’t move out so stuck looking at his ugly face till the house sells. I’m putting it on the market straight after New Years.
Have his mum coming over too, who after being initially supportive, is now in total denial and has told none of her friends (neither has he). She told me today she doesn’t really want to come but will just come for the day (she normally stays for a few days so that’s a relief but please don’t put yourself out on my account !). I feel like I’m in a weird sitcom with a big elephant stuck in the corner of the room. So desperate for this year to be over. Roll on 2020 and my new life away from the 💩 ( as you can probably tell I’m still really angry😂).

Nighowl Wed 18-Dec-19 05:49:50

Spritesbright Well I can definitely do the gin! 🤣 Lovely to hear things have now worked out for you.
Coronado - you have every right to be angry, I think I’d want to cancel his mum coming - over - I’ve said to DH for no one to come over - will be hard enough pretending all day for the kids.

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Spritesobright Wed 18-Dec-19 08:37:03

Thanks Nighowl. Sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need. Have you tried counselling? I found it really useful.
Last year I tried to reconcile with his mum by inviting her for xmas and she spent the whole time ignoring me and pointedly speaking to my SIL. Never again.

amillionwishes Wed 18-Dec-19 13:22:35

I just wanted to bring some hope to those of you stuck in such a stressful situation. Ex and I separated in January this year, due to financial issues etc I didn't move out until the beginning of this month. I was diagnosed with chronic migraines because of the stress of living with my ex, I basically lived in my bedroom once the kids were in bed because I felt so unwelcome anywhere else in the house. I searched and searched for somewhere that was suitable for me and the kids and at times felt like it was hopeless and I would be stuck there forever. Parents live abroad so nowhere to stay short term either.

I got the keys for my new home on the 1st Dec, had to move all my things, buy furniture, had a kids birthday and obviously planning Christmas but the relief of not living with him is immense. It was the hardest year of my life, but I am through it and you are all strong enough to get through too. Baby steps, it's so easy to let the whole thing overwhelm but some things you can't control (like finding a property that ticks all the boxes straight away). Focus on trying to make some time for yourself out of the house so it doesn't feel so encroaching when you're there, that helped me a lot.

Sending lots of love to you all, I'm still spending Christmas with him so the kids have us both together as the move happened so close to Christmas, which I am dreading, but at least I know I can leave. Stay strong xxx

Nighowl Wed 18-Dec-19 18:37:30

Amilionwishes thank you for a positive story 😊 that’s the trouble I’m having - finding the right property in the right area at the right price. I have a son and daughter so need three bed which is meaning I have look out if the area I live now. I’ve said to dh that I will not be rushed and if ours sells and we loose the same because I havnt found the right place, so be it.
@Spritesobright I did try councilling through w scheme at work but found the councillor really annoying and not very helpful just lots of hmmmmm? That must be difficult 😫

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MakeMineALargeProsecco Wed 18-Dec-19 18:53:29

Ah, I've found my tribe.
It's grim, isn't it?

I told him in October, since then neither of us can afford to move out, and we are not agreement at all about where to live or how to divide equity.

He wants to buy me out; we live in an expensive area & I have minimal chance of being able to stay here. I also don't think he can afford it either but is stringing things out to piss me off.

Luckily we have a 4-bed house & I've dispatched him to the spare room. I hated sleeping next to him.

I'm trying to put a false front on, but it's not easy.

We have 2 DC (11,7) & can't say anything thing yet as nothing is sorted & it could be months off.

Feeling everyone's pain!

paris100 Wed 18-Dec-19 19:37:51

@Nighowl thank you, it’s been very difficult since May. He buried his head in the sand for months and told me I was going through a phase! We told the children ages ago and they are now confused as nothing has moved forward. Christmas is going to be torture.

turtleinthesky Wed 18-Dec-19 22:21:17

Can I join .. told him in August I wanted to separate , triggered a mental health crisis , had underlying mental health issues. So have spent last few months making sure he is ok but still aiming for separation. Got keys to a house I'm going to rent today, moving after Xmas though .. going to be really difficult

PressToChange Thu 19-Dec-19 10:06:24

Me too..... living in controlling marriage. Domestic violence incident a year ago although for three years he's been utterly vile. Tried to see if we could get beyond it. Funnily enough he could quite quickly and not surprisingly I can't. He won't move out. He is in complete denial even though I've said very very clearly that I am enduring Christmas and I will be starting proceedings in the New Year. Thankfully house size means we're in separate rooms and live completely separately but recently I've been back in the living room while he's there because I thought why the F are you making me hide away in my own home! It's going to be a long couple of weeks!

Nighowl Thu 19-Dec-19 13:42:18

So many of us ☹️ Into need all need to keep saying to ourselves this is temporary and this time next year Xmas will be totally different!
We have been in separate rooms for nearly 2 years, my room is my sanctuary, I made subtle changes and got new duvet covers to make it feel my own space. He’s started going out every night now and staying out. Said he’s looking after a friends dog who works shift.. do you need aftershave for that? 🤷‍♀️ I’m past worrying about it but if he is seeing someone it’s likely to be someone I know do I think he should tell me or it’s probably all to make me think I there’s someone. He’s said he’s going out xmas day after kids opened their presents.... though where? Tbh it’s a bit of a relief as I feel anxious and stressed whenever he’s in the house now.
Let’s keep this post going till at least after Xmas, we are all going through a tough time made worse by Christmas and happy expectations. I think it’s good to have somewhere to rant a bit! Xxx

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millymoo1202 Thu 19-Dec-19 18:56:07

Thank you all, I’ve been lurking and don’t feel alone now. I’m dreading Christmas but keep telling myself it’ll be different this time next year. I just can’t see how I get from this point to that point! X

PressToChange Fri 20-Dec-19 11:01:40

As others have said, it's quite comforting to know you're not alone and there is solidarity through this thread.
I think it might be a life line for me for the next few weeks. I've finished work but I'm now sitting in a cafe having tea and toast as I can't bare to go home. Not frightened or anything just so very very miserable. Tree is up, presents bought and mainly wrapped, I'm wearing a Christmas jumper but I am not feeling the Christmas spirit.
I'm "forced" to go on holiday over Christmas with him and the children. Fortunately sleeping arrangements will be fine and I'll still have space but, I so don't want to - but don't want to spoil it for the children. I have consciously made the decision to go though so will dig deep.
From what I've read on posts most peoples other halves are going to leave. Mine won't. Also has said he "doesn't agree" when I said that after Christmas and New Year we will start the process. Like there is some discussion to it! Has anyone experienced complete denial of what's staring them in the face!!

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