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Completely lost. How did this happen?

(26 Posts)
Notamummybutneedhelp Fri 22-Nov-19 23:20:35

Hi all,

I’m not a mummy I want to point that out but this forum has so much support on this topic I hope I’m welcome.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck as my husband of almost 5 years and partner of 8 has just declared he doesn’t love me anymore.

We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs mostly based on his inability to just settle. He’s quite a flighty character. I accepted this though and dealt with all of those as part of who he was and the man I loved, so I’ve supported him throughout.

A few months ago he changed his stance towards me and became very distant. It all came to a head and he explained he wasn’t sure what was going on. We agreed to work through it and he mentioned going to see a councillor for his issues (citing some quite personal not couple specific issues).

However nothing changed and a few days ago it all came to a head again resulting in me asking him to leave as I couldn’t take being treat like a stranger in my own home anymore. We’ve exchanged a few messages since and the sentiment is he doesn’t know what changed but he just doesn’t feel the same and it’s over. There’s no OW involved I’m certain.

But now now just all over the place trying to accept that it’s over. Deal with the fact I still deeply love someone who just doesn’t feel the same. Accept that I have wasted so many years on a man who despite me supporting through so many things, wants to cut and run without even trying to work on things.

I’ve also since found out the councillor (who he saw only 2 days before the split) was actually a relationship councillor and not a councillor for his personal issues like he told me.

I just feel so betrayed, have no understanding of why my marriage has fallen apart but above all that I miss him so much. He’s the only adult relationship I’ve had and frankly I don’t really know how to start wiping away those memories and being by myself.

I also don’t want to start down this nasty divorce route, I’m quite a reactive character when I feel cornered or hurt?

How does anyone get past this and start again? This is a very lonely place to be.

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Mickeylove84 Sat 23-Nov-19 12:22:55

I'm in the same position and I feel broken.
Things will get better-sounds cheap, but it's so true

Notamummybutneedhelp Sat 23-Nov-19 18:08:44

@Mickeylove84 I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same situation. It’s nice to know you’re not alone but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

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Herocomplex Sat 23-Nov-19 18:22:39

I’m so sorry, It’s a shame you haven’t got the answers you’re looking for. Do you think he’s been honest with you? I’d go and find a councillor for yourself, and try to find a way forward for yourself. Eat, sleep, stay hydrated, exercise. Find the other people in your life who love you and get some hugs and shoulders to cry on.

Heartbreak is horrible, you feel lonely and as if you’ll never be happy again. Things change though, you never know what good things are coming.

Notamummybutneedhelp Sat 23-Nov-19 22:41:07

@Herocomplex thank you. I don’t know to be honest. He’s danced around the topic for quite a while now giving various reasons for why he wasn’t himself. I do believe there’s no one else though.

I just can’t shake the lack of trying to be honest. He says he’s really tried, but I have seen absolutely nothing to suggest this. I entered into marriage knowing it wouldn’t always be easy and that there would be challenges we’d have to deal with but, it’s like he just expected us to be in a perpetual honeymoon phase which just isn’t realistic.

The hardest part is the acceptance and letting go. We’ve shared everything for 8 years and built an incredible life together. I just don’t know how you go from that to no contact and no emotion. To watch everything fall apart and for our amazing memories to all turn to pain just seems so unfair 😢

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Oly4 Sat 23-Nov-19 22:49:09

This is so so hard and many of us have been there at some point. But you have to accept that his feelings have changed. Sometimes there’s no explanation even for why.. they just change. And no amount of trying will fix it.
Once you can accept that it’s easier to move on. But almost impossible in the early days when you feel heartbroken. Look after yourself right now

Notamummybutneedhelp Sun 24-Nov-19 20:56:47

Thanks @Oly4

I know that feelings can change but the way he’s handled everything is the worst. We were in the process of buying a new house, we had plans and it’s like he’s just changed at the flick of a switch. I just genuinely don’t know how feelings change so much so quickly and why you would give up so easily.

It just feels like I’m grieving for the past, the present and the future all at the same time and the one person I trusted and could count on to always wipe away my tears is the one that’s causing them and the pain is unbearable.

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Herocomplex Mon 25-Nov-19 07:43:51

I think you can stop loving someone but there’s usually a reason, grown apart, distance, different ambitions, conflicted some type.

I think he’s been very selfish though.

TomFord Mon 25-Nov-19 10:23:38

I am in a similar situation, after 15 years of "happy" marriage, 2 houses with mortgage and 2 amazing children.

I gave up my life in my home country, all my friends and career to come to the UK, start from scratch and build a career and life. Both of us working really hard, on full time employment, he is often doing overtime. This has lead to us speaking mainly about things that have to be done, sex life - 1x week and overall tired tired life.

I love the children to bits and have no intention to meet another partner. We both lost our fathers 2 years ago, mine - after 3 heavy years of severe illnesses.

I have no energy to fight, but want full custody over the children and stay in the current house. Not sure at all how to progress this separation, it was his idea. He wants to be "happy" with someone else.

lonestar1979 Tue 26-Nov-19 14:12:57

Everything you've said is a mirror of my situation and your feelings a very much what I'm experiencing. My wife left a few week ago in almost identical circumstances, and we were together for about the same amount of time, also have no kids.
It's an absolute clusterf* of emotion isn't it?

i keep thinking that that the '7 year itch' is actually a thing where people regenerate and become a different person. I'm interested as to the age gap between you both? There's 6 years between us, as there was my previous relationship that I left after 7 years.
personally I don't think you do just 'fall out of love' and if you do, then it's surely possible to fall back the other way.

The final kick for me was that the week after she moved her stuff out a letter dropped through the post inviting us to our first IVF appointment. It's also my 40th birthday this week sad

Notamummybutneedhelp Tue 26-Nov-19 20:27:26

@lonestar1979 I’m so sorry to hear that. Yes, it’s absolutely horrific. I’m thinking that too now, I guess such a famous phrase must have some truth to it though.

There’s 6 and 1/2 years between me and my husband (I need to start saying ex but I can’t yet). That is interesting. I’m 30 and he’s nearly 37.

I also don’t believe in just “falling out of love” life is hard, relationships are hard and you build on them. It can’t always be happy and rosy, of course there’ll be times when you have difficulties but I believe in working through. He’s put me through some shit over the years and I’ve dealt with it because I loved him and the good times were great. How do you just turn that off and become strangers?

That’s got to be rough, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Do you feel like the IVF situation was in any way part of this? I really really wish you the happiest possible birthday you can have.

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Longfacenow Tue 26-Nov-19 20:31:49

My friend found out a year after what sounds so similar here that her ex and his new girlfriend had actually met at a conference a long time before he left my friend.

Either way,I'm sorry you feel so blindsided. It is huge betrayal to find out your husband quit the team without telling you a while ago.

Longfacenow Tue 26-Nov-19 20:32:27

There are lots of breakup support threads here flowers

Notamummybutneedhelp Tue 26-Nov-19 20:34:24

@TomFord I’m sorry for your situation too. It’s so so hard. I genuinely wonder if these people that go around searching for happiness will ever actually find it. I feel like you have to make it yourself. Life is hard. Work is hard. Managing a household is hard. But you have to find happiness in the little things and the people you love.

Maybe that’s just me. I know we’re all different and that’s what makes us human but sometimes I don’t understand how other people work.

I’ve arranged an appointment at a solicitor, seems soon for me but I found out he had done the same. It’s free for 30 minutes and just to talk about next steps etc. Maybe doing that would help you figure out the practicalities?

I’m also doing to see my doctor to make sure I’m doing ok. I’m still all over the place and not eating properly so if you need help with that maybe you could get support too?

And keep on this forum, I’m finding some strange solace in knowing I’m not alone, even when I feel it.

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Notamummybutneedhelp Tue 26-Nov-19 20:40:21

@Longfacenow he swears blind there isn’t and said that to his Mam too but who really knows.

I feel like I don’t know him at all anymore anyway.

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Longfacenow Tue 26-Nov-19 21:37:47

You're not alone. Sadly there are many many people who have been and are going through it now.

The fact that he's gone to see a solicitor already suggests that this is final and he is emotionally long gone. I'm so sorry.

lonestar1979 Tue 26-Nov-19 22:39:44

They say IVF is a relationship killer and it proved correct. I do think that was a major part, along with a few other things. But like you we had recently just bought a house and put loads of effort into it and I find it amazing that only two years after that, she now doesn't want to see me again. She also claimed to love our cat but easily left that behind. can't help thinking I can't have been that bad for it to cost us both thousands of pounds, start our lives over and have custody battle over a cat.

I advise you should see the GP, this is one of the hardest things you'll experience and major depression, anxiety and other issues can easily come out. I'm currently on a cocktail of meds as a result of this but there's no shame in it. It's massive - like you said past, present and future have all been wiped out.

Notamummybutneedhelp Wed 27-Nov-19 10:32:15

@lonestar1979 we are literally in the same position. I’m wracking my brains as to how he claimed to love our dogs so much and doesn’t even appear to have given them a second thought. They were mine before we met though so that’s one thing he’s not taking.

That’s my thoughts exactly. I could understand if something dramatic had happened and I’d done something really wrong or had changed in some way. But to go from having a really really good life to this complete nightmare where his life is upside down too he must’ve been so unhappy but I don’t understand how, why or when?

Thanks I’ll do that. I don’t want to go down the meds route but I think some support would help.

Keep the cat!

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lonestar1979 Wed 27-Nov-19 12:50:47

I totally get your point. Fro me, there may have been an emotional affair on her part, which was a new thing on me so I wonder if while you were both drifting, he was going elsewhere for support and stuff. Oh and she's is claiming the cat is hers.
I think what's hard is that It's not the way i would have ever done things so it's hard to understand. She remortgaged the house last month and spent over a grand on a 40th birthday holiday for me (which is where I'm supposed to be now sad )all the while planning her escape. It's absolutely mental. Oh, and the now the bank have refused me a mortgage so just be thankful you didn't get as far as buying as it's a nightmare when going through this.

I have some solace here that there's at least one other person going through my version of hell, and vice versa.

Notamummybutneedhelp Tue 31-Dec-19 21:04:19

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to see how you are doing?

What a few weeks it’s been. Tonight is particularly hard. We’re still separated and have begun sorting out the finances and I’m almost ready to file the divorce petition (at his request due to his unreasonable behaviour)

Rightly or wrongly for some time I kept trying to push for answers and something to understand what went wrong but have just continued to be fed strange mixed up versions of the story in his head. The crux are though that he’s essentially bored of me and the marriage.

I’m trying to be super positive about the future and think ahead to that as I know I’m so so much better off without a man who can treat me this way. However...this man once treat me like a princess. He made me feel like I was the entire world and I just simply don’t know how to switch off my desire to have that back. We were so close for so long as now we don’t speak at all (aside from a couple of house/solicitor messages now and then).

I miss him so much it physically hurts even though I also hate him. Stupid little things just remind me of him. How long will this last for? And how long do you grieve for a marriage and a husband that you didn’t want to let go of?

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ZAK3 Tue 31-Dec-19 22:09:36

@Notamummybutneedhelp , Im not in exactly the same situation but your not alone, im usually on one of the other subjects threads but have been looking at these ones alot more, had a huge argument with hubby this evening & the marriage is just a mess, im still in a bad way after having a termination recently which was because of him & this feels like the worst new years eve of my life & 2020 seems so bleak right now, you must be feeling like your whole world has stopped in its tracks , have you got any counselling arranged? What do both of your families think about the break up?

Have you got good friends around you? Sending hugs 🤗

Notamummybutneedhelp Wed 01-Jan-20 07:48:05

Hi @ZAK3

Thanks for responding. It is really really difficult. Usually at New Year we spend it with this his family. Had to wake up to see they’d posted a nice family photo on FB - that hurt. And none of them even bothered to check on me. Before that his Mum had been very supportive of me saying she didn’t know what he was thinking and was dreading seeing him. Guess blood is always thicker than water. My family and friends are being so good and are just baffled by it all.

Oh no that sounds like a really difficult time too. I’ve never experienced that but dealing with that loss plus the fighting must be horrible. I hope you are going ok and there are lots of threads here for different topics, you’ll definitely not be alone. Sending hugs back

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MillyMoo1113 Wed 01-Jan-20 08:01:42

This thread is just what I need right now. My partner announced on Saturday that he'd changed and wanted to move on. Over 2 years of memories, amazing times. I'd built an amazing relationship with his three daughters(on adult, two children under 10).

Am I just meant to not see them? My two teens got on with him, one has mental health issues, no care from him as to the effect it may have on her.

His parents are sad, I'm sad, his younger daughters are devastated.

I am beginning to see he's not the man I thought he was if he can do this to me but the pain is unbearable right now, you have my every sympathy, I know exactly what you are going through.

Try and surround yourself with friends, mine have been amazing, it won't take all the sadness away, but it will help. Try counselling, I've had it before and am going back to it now, but don't be scared of medication either, there's no stigma to it anymore and it will help.

Notamummybutneedhelp Wed 01-Jan-20 14:24:34

Aw @MillyMoo1113 I’m so sorry to hear that, it’s just awful. I think they often forget about all of the other people involved in the situation.

It is easy to feel so down when the unbearable pain hits but the only positive is that it does come and go. And hopefully lessens. Although special occasions like Xmas and NY do not help that.

Yes friends are great, keep them close! Counselling is good if you can get it, it’s quite difficult on the NHS and I can’t really afford much. But I am going to some group sessions on coping.

Try and stay strong. We’ll all come out of the other end it’s just that horrible middle bit we have to survive

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lonestar1979 Wed 01-Jan-20 16:02:42

Just some reassurance - I'm just over two months since my wife left and things have marginally improved since I last wrote. The sadness and loss etc. are still there and some days are worse than others. First you need to get through the shock and then start processing it. That took me about 4 weeks but I think it's all very dependent on the person. And I highly recommend counselling. Even twice a month is probably worth the money to help you feel better.
This season is obviously very hard for us folk - xmas day felt rather surreal for me, sitting alone in my house. and today, NY day is also strange and a bit lonely and sad. However once all the festivities are out the way then normal life resumes.

Don't rush yourself- be sad, be sorry, cry, shout and complain (I've done all these several times!)

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