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Split custody - what is fair

(14 Posts)
Sallyseagull Tue 19-Nov-19 16:03:09

I split with my husband a month ago and have just found out hes been having an affair, the first weekend he was due to have our child he actually gave him to his parents so he could go out with his new girlfriend.

Current arrangements are every other weekend and he was asking to see him maybe one day in tbr week either in his lunch break or in the evening after work. This is just a verbal agreement and I've never been happy with the mid week thing as our son is under 2 years old and I was concerned about confusion.

Would I be ok to say he can see him every other weekend but not during the week? He works full time so it wouldn't be realistic for him to fight to have him overnight during the week.

OP’s posts: |
Clangus00 Tue 19-Nov-19 17:15:56

I think EOW & an overnight during the week is fine.
I think younger children adapt to the different homes easier.
Considering her has his parents to help out, he might even be awarded 50:50 if he went to court.

Bythebeach Tue 19-Nov-19 17:42:11

My understanding is that for very young children, little and often is preferable and less stressful than big blocks of time away from primary carer. Would 24 hours each weekend and a mid week lunchtime or evening work?

Sallyseagull Tue 19-Nov-19 17:50:01

He wants our son from Friday evening till Sunday late afternoon every other weekend and to see him for a couple of hours one day mid week each week. It's the couple or hours mid week that concerns me.

OP’s posts: |
Clangus00 Tue 19-Nov-19 18:23:56

Would you be happy with the time that you’re offering if dad was the one with prime custody?

Sallyseagull Tue 19-Nov-19 18:49:17

No because up until we split he didnt have much to do with our son and it's only since we have split up that he has shown an interest. My son isnt used to spending time with his dad even as much as every other weekend so it would be far too much of a shock to him (IMO).

OP’s posts: |
RedGal Tue 19-Nov-19 18:53:25

For my 2penneth, when I got divorced 15 years ago, we agreed on 50/50 but after a few years it was just too busy for my kids, moving back and forth. It's about the kids and IMO they need a primary home. Unfortunately for me, that was the marital home (not mine) but it was best for them and our arrangement then suited them .

HeddaGarbled Tue 19-Nov-19 18:54:41

I think the extra couple of hours one evening a week is reasonable. Keeps up regular contact between them (two weeks is a long gap) and gives you the opportunity for a couple of child-free hours.

RandomMess Tue 19-Nov-19 18:56:36

It would be good for him to take him out for lunch once a week if that's possible? Sounds like your DS needs to see his Dad more for them to establish a better relationship not less.

It needs to fit around DS sleep and meal needs rather than fitting into what your Ex "wants" and not in your home.

Sallyseagull Tue 19-Nov-19 19:04:10

Ok, I will say yes to the mid week visits. I'm just so worried about our son being pulled from pillar to post when my stbxh is already passing him onto his parents rather than caring for him himself and thought seeing his dad for just 1.5 hours mid week could confuse him more

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Tue 19-Nov-19 19:06:57

Try and reframe his parents babysitting that at least DS gets to his grandparents and you aren't being expected to facilitate that as well!!

Raphael34 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:14:18

Your son will be more confused only seeing his father twice a Month. He needs regular contact. Definitely at least once a week

HollyIvy89 Tue 19-Nov-19 19:24:44

A few hours in an evening and not over night in week sounds fine! Gives you some time to child? Look at it like that. X

confusedandemployed Tue 19-Nov-19 19:29:23

DH and I split when DD was 4 (she's 6 now) and agreed to 50/50 which currently works fine. However I can see that before too long I will realise the same as @RedGal and she will need a primary home, most likely mine but not inevitably.
I agree with PP, such a young child will cope fine at the moment with whatever works best for you. However I wouldn't be impressed with his dumping him on his mother on the first weekend.

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