Hi. I have recently split up with my husband after 14 abusive years. His rotten behaviour was mostly directed towards me, but over the last few years it was also aimed at the kids every now and then. He would avoid spending time with us and, without going into lengthy details, clearly has mental health issues which he refuses to address.
We left him in September. The ex has remained in the massive 5 bedroomed family home while we downsized to what could barely be called a 3 bedroomed house, but we don't care - we're just so happy to be out, and our little house is absolutely lovely. The kids - a 14 year old son and 11 year old autistic daughter - have settled into it very happily.
It was verbally agreed that the children would visit their father every Friday, staying over and returning on Saturday morning. My son has enjoyed these visits to his dad's, as his dad seems to be more attentive towards him since we left, more appreciative of him. However, my daughter refused to visit him, saying she didn't want to go back to the old house because "the house is sad without us" (she over-empathises about inanimate objects, not people). I suggested that maybe she could meet her dad for lunch somewhere in town, with or without her brother, but she didn't want that either because going anywhere with him "isn't fun" (she's got a point - he has a habit of being rude and confrontational towards waiters/just about everyone else).
Under pressure from the ex, I eventually forced her to visit him a few Fridays ago, and her tearful begging to stay with me broke my heart. She went, and I received a night of texts from her, as well as the ex and my son - apparently she refused to talk to her dad all night and wouldn't take her coat off.
Since then, she's refused point blank to go back. I've spoken to my ex (by text, I can't bring myself to talk to him in person) and explained how hard she found the visit and suggested that he takes her out instead, but he hasn't asked her to do this and I don't think she'd accept anyway.
To make matters worse, she's going to have to go there next week anyway, because it's my son's birthday and I'm taking him to his first gig. The thought of going there is already darkening her mood - when I dropped her at school, she seemed thoroughly depressed at the thought, repeating over and over that it's not fair, that her whole weekend will be ruined by having to go there.
In addition, the ex is threatening to stop paying her portion of child maintenance if she doesn't visit regularly.
What should I do? My question isn't being raised because of the child maintenance aspect (he's a monster for blackmailing me/her in this way), but because I want to know how important it is that she maintains some kind of relationship with him in the longrun.
The ex never fully adapted to fatherhood and has certainly never been able to cope with my daughter's autism (even though she's at the milder end of the spectrum) plus he's been vile to me in front of the kids, so it could be argued that it's not in her best interests to visit him anyway (particularly at that house). But will I be doing her a disservice by agreeing that she shouldn't visit him?
Any advice would be much appreciated! Please be gentle with me though - you may think I've done everything wrong (you may even be right), but getting myself and the kids out of the 'family' home has been a pretty horrendous ordeal and I've done the best I can in the circumstances. I'm still licking my wounds.
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Divorce/separation
Help! Daughter doesn't want to visit her dad
8 replies
LargeHadron · 14/11/2019 12:41
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