Learning to be alone

[Fairycake2]

My husband and I agreed to separate last week and he left our home yesterday. I know its early days but how do you learn to be single / alone again? I've never enjoyed my own company and the thought of weekends alone when my daughter goes to her dad scares me (Christmas even more so). I have friends but they have their own lives, families and partner so I can't be bothering them all the time. Some tips on learning to love your own company would be gratefully received

[iamthrough]

Hi There, I've been separated just over 2 years, divorced a year and I remember how daunting it was at the beginning. Initially just don't put too much pressure on yourself, you will have down and lonely days and that's perfectly normal. Try to plan at least 1 thing a week that's just for you - an exercise class, something to do with a hobby, or just meeting friends - your good friends wont see that as "bothering them!" I made a list of new things I wanted to try - or old hobbies that I'd not done for years. Try subscribing to something like Netflix and get into a box set or two. A good website to have a look at is "Meetups" you register on the site and then you can look for groups that match your interests in your area - its aimed at single people but it's not a dating thing. I joined a couple of social groups and a walking group and its been a great help and I've met some lovely people.

Good Luck

[Fairycake2]

@iamthrough thank you. I really like the list idea. Not lived on my own for 15 years so it's going to be very strange!

[Gooddaysandbad]

Hi OP I literally just joined mumsnet cos I saw this post.

My husband left a month ago (his decision) and it’s the being alone that I’m finding the hardest thing. DD is 16 and is splitting her time between us, a night here and a night there. She’s too old for me to dictate that she has to spend a certain amount of time with me and when I press her to commit to what days she’ll be where she gets annoyed with me but I just miss her so much when she’s at his! I don’t have family locally and as you say my friends have their own lives and families I feel I can’t impose on them. Weekends just feel like this huge void of time with nothing to fill it when DD is not here.

Anyways everyone says this will pass and I’ll adjust to it. Some say I’ll even start to enjoy a bit of time to myself. I’m sure you will too and I hope it helps to know someone else feels the way you do. Stay strong 💪 x

[mamamiaow]

I am in the same boat, in the process of splitting and the thought of the non-parent days makes me feel so sad and anxious. He gets the keys to his new place next week. The plan is to 50/50 parent. I cannot imagine not seeing my daughter every day. So I’ve decided I’m going to treat myself, go to the cinema, paint the bathroom, clear out my ancient wardrobe... whether I do these things is debatable, but that’s my intention! This is a horrible time, but it will get better when we are a bit more used to it x

[unicornsarereal72]

It is a big adjustment. I mentally split the day in three and did something for 2 parts. I planned and kept busy at the start. I joined a community allotment. And volunteered at the night shelter. Cuppa with a friend and aimless shopping. The weekend was filled.

It takes time. I have to say I haven't embraced it. I tolerate it. I know I need to find friends in similar situation.

[Fairycake2]

It's nice to know I'm not alone. I know I've got to get used to it so will definitely try some of the things suggested. I'm hoping the sick and anxious phase passes soon though!!

[Simonfromharlow]

My husband left 7 months ago. I felt like you initially. But honestly you do get used to it! It did take a while but now I really enjoy my time away from the kids.

Just do what you need to do. If you need to fill every hour they are away with something to do then do it. If you need to lay in bed all weekend watching Netflix then do that. I have done both of these and neither is right or wrong.

[stucknoue]

I'm struggling with this, he's even got the dog tonight (he has him 2-3 nights a week) I hate being in my house alone and my DD's are at university. Hugs to all those in the same situation.

I am finding the delight that is tinder a way to relive boredom 😁. I might add just dates, I'm not that kind of woman and none have been worthy of a second date!

[Stillfunny]

Ironically , I long to be in your position. Been married 30 years , still living together in the house until we are able to separate. ( Well , he doesn't want to ).

Remember why you are living alone . You must not have been happy in your relationship.

There must be so many other women living around you that are in the same position. Can you try and meet up ?

[Minionmomma]

Hi. It’s really early days for me too. We separated in August and dh moved out 5 or so weeks ago. Initially I felt ok. I downloaded a few dating apps straight away just for a bit of fun, having been lonely in my marriage for a long time. That actually turned out to make me feel worse. I’d forgotten how exhausting it all is. I find that my moods fluctuate between sadness, emptiness, fear, optimism. Today I feel really sad. I’ve been having a lot of vivid dreams about getting back with dh. It’s obviously my brain processing stuff and adjusting to how things are going to be.

The kids keep me going. I’m busy with work and I try to exercise regularly. I’ve booked a little break with a friend, I’m planning Xmas, watching feel-good stuff on amazon and Netflix. I’ve been drinking more than I usually would so I’ve decided not to drink until Xmas now just to help keep a clear head so I can cope better with the emotional rollercoaster. Good luck op. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better and so it’s a case of trusting the process.

[Fairycake2]

@Stillfunny it wasnt my choice to end the marriage but I am trying to focus on what was wrong and why I'll be better on my own. I'm going to try and find an exercise class or similar I can go to and hopefully meet some new friends. I hope you manage to sort your situation soon

[stucknoue]

After a few weeks I concluded that I really hate being alone, some of us just do ... so I started dating, nothing serious at first, but meant I got out of the house and met some interesting people, 3 months on I've met a lovely man and life is good. For me it was helpful that h didn't move out for 6 months so I had time to adjust I admit before dating