Broken hearted dad

[Taz786]

I’m in so much pain right now. My wife of 11 years has been having another affair (2nd one). We have two beautiful children which I’m devoted to, I give them all my time after work and they never go to bed without my kisses and cuddles. I found out that my wife’s been having an affair today and I just had to pack my things and leave as the sight of her was making my physically sick. I’ve explained to my 9 year old daughter that daddy needs a break for a while but she just burst out into tears and screamed saying no daddy no and my wife just sat and watched. I’ve explained to her that it’s not her fault mummy and daddy love her and everything I could to comfort her. I’m now along in a spare room with bags of clothes around me and I am completely lost. I’ve cried multiple times I miss my home and my children, the reason she’s had an affair is she said she has an addition and will get help but it’s just sexual needs whatever that means. We never argue she texts me daily that she loves me so this has come out of nowhere. We laugh joke the house is very jolly so she’s been lying for over a year.

I don’t want them to move out the family home because I don’t want my children to suffer in a small flat somewhere. I just don’t know what to do or where to go I’m embarrassed I’m heartbroken I miss my 2 year old son and daughter so so much.

[drankthekoolaid]

She had the affair, she should leave. Kids stay with you in family home.

It doesn't always have to be that the man moves out and you're not the one in the wrong!

Sorry this has happened to you.

[ShippingNews]

So sorry op. But you shouldn't be going - she broke her vows, so she should go. And don't tell a 9 yr old that you are " leaving because you need a break " ! She needs to know that it wasn't you choice. Better to tell 9 yr old that Mummy doesn't want to be with Daddy any more. Good luck .

[FabLaura]

Ah love you. I agree with the others, you shouldn't leave. Stay in the house with the kids and she can bugger off to her fancy man. Good luck

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I agree with others. She was having multiple affairs. She should be the one to leave the family home and be all alone in a flat, not you.

Do your best to get legal advice and file with the courts immediately to have your children placed with you. If she won’t leave the home, the court will allow you to stop paying on that home and use your money to find a new home suitable for you and the children. Also to arrange for any childcare you may need while at work.

It’s hard to be a single parent, but there are many many single fathers out there who have support groups online and playgroups as well.

[millymollymoomoo]

Sorry but she doesn’t get to lose the children and be all alone in a One bedroom flat because she’s had an affair. It doesn’t work like that! Courts won’t punish her in that way.

Yes I know she’s at fault at the moment, emotions are raw but she won’t be made to leave and it’s very unlikely she lose the residency of children

As hard as it is your children should not be brought into this - don’t put your emotions on them

I’m sorry youre going through this though. Take some time to work through your feelings

[Taz786]

Thank you everyone. She said this morning by text there was no fancy man it’s just sex from ppl she’s met on a sex app. I feel disgusting and I need to now go and get tested for stds. I don’t want to separate my children from there mum because they both love her so much and I just want to put them first even though she hasn’t.

I’m so scared for my children, how do children grow up with parents that are separated? I remember mine nearly did and I was crying for weeks.

[auberJohn]

Hi op,

By leaving the family home, you are establishing the status quo for the amount of care you are providing the children and for finances going forward.

Should divorce be next steps, your STBXW can claim that you left the children under her care, and that is the new norm going forward. For finances, she can claim that you can afford to live away from the family home, and thereby make a claim for a higher percentage of total financial pot.

Be very careful. It is crucial you think with your head and not your heart. I guarantee your wife is calculating how to marginalise you from your kids and financial stability to maximise her own outcomes.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Mum35x]

I can really sympathise with you ...I had the same done to me. I was torn with what to do ...but I chose to show my DD that being cheated on and treated like dirt isnt the way to be treated. I chose to set an example as painful as it was. I would have never been able to trust him again especially as like you ..It was done under my nose and online on groups. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My exh had an addiction to it also. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat

[MrsTerryPratchett]

don't tell a 9 yr old that you are " leaving because you need a break " !

This. Horrible as it is, eye on the prize. And the prize is happy children. You need to work put how to separate while each having 50:50 with the children. It's possible. I have a few friends who do.

[Purplequalitystreet]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's awful that a good dad is unable to stay with his children, especially when it's not your fault.

Do you know when she was meeting these men? If it is truly an addiction then is there a risk that she could be inviting them to the house while the children are there? That would be my concern.

I would speak to a solicitor asap. It's not a given that mum will be automatically granted residency. It should be on a 50/50 basis, unless you believe that the children are at risk, in which case push for some residence.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It's awful that a good dad is unable to stay with his children

He can

[Otter71]

No matter why you leave and who did what, the one who leaves is seen as the one to blame by the kids in so many cases. I was kicked out with a small suitcase a year ago. My two kids (teenagers) took months to even venture into my new home once I found somewhere.
20 years of emotional abuse is apparently all in my head because if I weren't to blame and the truth wasn't that I was as useless as I was told, I would have found a better way. But in another way he did me a massive favour...
He kept the family home, kept the older one full time, has gone for 50/50 for the younger one... You don't have to be the one who goes, food or bad, male or female, there are no rules that way.

[waterSpider]

Have to agree with others that, whatever happens in the longer term, in the shorter term it is better to get back into the family home. And I also think you could at least talk to her about 'getting help' as she seemed to be willing to do that [not that it has much chance just more than zero chance]

[Ss770640]

Stay in the home and tell her to leave.

Insist on 50/50 custody nothing less.

Kick her to the kerb. She's taking the piss out of you.

Move back in. Tell her to leave. Then get your financial statements prepared and go talk to a lawyer

[MirenaManiac]

If you are willing, you could agree to give her another chance, if she gets counselling. Many people do this if the relationship is otherwise good. On mumsnet we hear more from people who are very clear that they wouldn't do that, but I wonder if perhaps those of us who don't see things in such absolute terms are just quieter.