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Separation Help

(4 Posts)
Mummykins54 Sat 09-Nov-19 17:18:35

Hi

I am on the verge of separation and wanted to share as I feel I am going stir crazy.

I have 2 kids aged 16 and 19. Gave up work when DS was born to be a full time mum and after DD was born returned to work part time. Been married 22 years and during this time OH has always been very moody - going into moods for no reason/silent treatment/not talking, But I put up with it.

About 3 years ago OH found out about credit card debt that I had - all spent on the family not fancy clothes for me etc. He went ballistic - forced me to give up a job I loved and work full time - my debt my problem. He took my bank card and made me log everything I spent spreadsheets. I crumbled and went into a 8 month depression spending most of my non working time in bed. He did nothing to try to help this depression. I went through several jobs as I could not settle and finally I am in a job I like. I am over my depression and feel strong. He constantly checks my bank acct despite the fact I have a loan to pay off the debt. We went to counselling last year but it didnt help. All of my friends have said their husbands would have been raging but would have helped to repay the debt perhaps getting a loan out. I know I made a mistake but I have paid for it with my mental health often feeling suicidal at points. Meanwhile my DS was spiralling out of control and got into drugs and is going into residential rehab next week. I feel so guilty as I feel I took my eye off the ball with my kids.

Anyway current situation is that I have been called horrible names by my OH e.g. leech/basketcase - accused of being a bad parent and responsible for my DSs addiction. I know that I have been a great mum but he has my confidence in shreds. He shouts rather than talks and things have recently been unbearable so we are talking separation. I have contacted a womens aid type organisation and she says I have definitely been subject of emotional abuse.

I know I made a mistake with the debt but I didn't sleep with anyone! He made out it was the worst thing ever and he has held the family together.

He is now refusing to pay for shopping and I just want out. We have been through hell with my DS - paid off drug debt etc - a world I never thought I would see. He blames me for this. So DS goes into rehab next week and I hope to get away before he returns home. OH does not have a close relationship with either of the kids. DD is a star but has been pushed aside due to her brother's addiction and our marriage problems.

So enough is enough after a big argument last week he threatened to sell the house or get it repossessed which is an empty threat.

So I now definately know I deserve happiness and so do my kids. He said we can sit down and split the assets 50/50 but he will have a good pension so I know that I would be due more if I relinquish rights to his pension. He says he will play fair but doubt he will.

I am in bits about DS and his rehab and pray it works out. I long for my own home where I am not walking on eggshells - I even got a row for putting a loo roll in the recycling with paper still on it! OH thinks he helped me out of the debt but all he did was put me into a massive depression which is the worst feeling ever and took away my confidence.

So ladies any advice on how I should handle my controlling husband. He is now blanking me and normally I would try to make the peace but no more.

He has a good pension earns roughly 50k (I earn 20) and I would be due 22 years of his pension plus half of the equity in the house. I think he thinks I wont go through with this but I have had it - I need to get my life back for my son post rehab and DD.

Thanks for reading

OP’s posts: |
onyourway Sat 09-Nov-19 17:37:12

Please don't feel your ds addiction is your fault. Your ds has two parents and addiction doesn't happen because you 'took your eye off the ball'.

Yes, you need to divorce and the assets, including the pension will be split, but you need some help from a solicitor for that.

Have you managed to collect all the documents you need, salary, pension, house value, mortgage etc?

How long is your sons rehab? Will you need to be in a similar area or would you move away with the children?

I hope it works out for you....

refusetobeasheep Sat 09-Nov-19 17:38:38

Make yourself an appointment with a solicitor for Monday morning. You can find one who specialises in divorce on the law society web-site. You can probably get a free 30 minute session to assess if you feel happy with the solicitor. You need proper legal advice so that when he starts telling you what will happen you can just say your solicitor will be in touch. Good luck!

Mummykins54 Sat 09-Nov-19 19:00:20

Hi ladies - my sons rehab will be roughly 6 months - I know the value roughly of the house and the outstanding mortgage amount. His pension should be worth a good bit as he earns a good salary and has been in it for 22 years of our marriage. I only have a small pension when I worked full time.

He seems to think that he can sit down with a bit of paper and write down the assets and split 50/50. He is in for a rude awakening. When he said this I said I would need to get it checked with a lawyer. He later said that he didnt think I would play fair i.e. he won't get it all his way.

I am not going to be trodden on any longer - he has brow beaten me for years and I actually think when push comes to shove he will back out when he realises I am serious but I have been pushed to the limit this week.

OP’s posts: |

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