Horrific behaviour from my soon to be ex husband... and Im feeling broken

[nosha123]

I posted on an old thread, so am starting a new one here.
Im new… and not a mum.. so not sure I qualify on Mumsnet…

My estranged husband has developed vile narcissitc and even psychopathic tendencies… nothing to do with the steroids and cocaine hes been snorting with his mistress apparently…
But all the same.. a total personality transplant… and all he is intent on is throwing me under the wheels of the bus.
It all started 14 months ago when I caught him red-handed kissing the mistress at her house.
He tried to deny deny deny for weeks, and then ‘borrowed’ my car to go visit his mums for weekend and instead took her to Brighton… leaving me with no transport and a poorly cat that needed euthanising.
I discovered he had lied when she sent him a long message saying how he LOVED her and the BJ’s she gave him and how he had slagged me off endlessly and ’trapped’ him in an unhappy marriage for years.

The vile cruel bullying continued for many months, even with a bit of physical abuse thrown in for good measure, and I left with just an overnight bag, when he tried to throw me down the stairs..

Now he wont engage in ANY sensible communication, but instead is desperate to throw some shit at me in the hope it sticks (apparently Ive laundered £100k of our joint money and he has forensic accountants involved... Im hoping they might be able to locate it and remind me where I hid it as I could do with some cash right now as he isnt paying the mortgage, has moved his mistress in, and has changed the locks so I cannot get the rest of my stuff.

Then he sends me vile abusive messages, and also threatening messages to a best friend of mine he seems inanely jealous of… and when he calls me at work yesterday.. Im not allowed to even speak and instead have to listen to him rant.. for an hour… and when I actually yawned on the call he shouted that I had interrupted him and so he was hanging up!

Im married to a mad man. He needs to be sectioned!!!

The police are coming round tonight to take a written statement from me for his malicious communications from a week ago, and I have to try to apply to the courts for contempt of court as he has breached an undertaking we both signed and has harassed and intimidated me.. as has the mistress.. sending me vile cruel emails pretending to be him "my god you are so ugly I don't know what I ever saw in you”. Sent to me on our wedding anniversary in September.. so I suspect she was feeling a tad inferior or he wasn’t paying her enough attention that night (in my defence.. Im actually not bad looking and have always been complimented as looking much younger than my 45 years! And recent dates have certainly not made any complaints!)

warning: these people walk amongst us purporting to be normal!!!!!!!

I wonder if maybe his steroid and new cocaine habit could have anything to do with his impulsive aggressive behaviour.. he says not of course!!!!

Im not really posing a question here… just offloading.. because… its like living in an episode of Jeremy Kyle… and Im exhausted, broken and weak from it. Yet I still have the month of all fights on my hands with the Divorce, which is proving painfully expensive and painfully slow (note he didnt bother to even turn up at the first hearing. That HE called… due to ‘depression’)
He then told me yesterday that last week he took an overdose and the mistress found him.. rescusuitated him and got him to hospital…
I did try to question how his little 9 stone mistress managed to carry a semi-conscious 16 stone bodybuilder to her car, but he didnt seem to want to answer….
Apparently he NEARLY DIED and lost three days of his life.
I asked what the Psychiatric nurses said.. since you always speak to one with any attempt of self harm or suicide.. but he said he didn’t see one.

Wonder whether steroid and cocaine use causes someone to become a pathological liar too???

Anyway

How do I get the rest of my stuff out of my house
How do I get his mistress out of my house
Do I stop paying the mortgage this month since I cannot afford that and my rent and my lawyers bills and he refuses to pay his share
How do I get this vile man out of my life for good?
Frankly he and her make the perfect couple!!!!! I wish them well… she’s done me a HUGE favour!!!

[Chunkers]

He sounds deranged, glad she has taken him off your hands! I’m no expert, but I’m sure he can’t change the locks legally on a jointly owned property. I hope the police will be able to facilitate access for you.

Sorry I can’t be more help, just wanted to bump this up for you.

[nosha123]

thanks chunkers.
no he cant lock me out - but obviously my desire to actually go there is somewhat diminished given she and he are both there.. and he is quite aggressive when I turn up and scares me!
But I still have stuff in the loft that I want back... and if I dont have a key, I cant arrange to go there when he is out... my only option is to go when he is there!
He also wont negotiate anything/... so finances have not even been put on the table as he just refuses to engage - other than to threaten and intimidate me and tell friends of mine Ive laundered £100k...
I read somewhere once that divorcing a narcissist is worse than being married to one! How true

[Weenurse]

Ask police for advice would be my guess

[user1019273703]

I would ask the police for advice regarding your possessions. Hope you get sorted OP, it all sounds very stressful and unfortunately divorce and finances takes a ridiculously long time especially if they don't cooperate.

[45andfine]

Evaluate what is important for you, from now on.

Material possessions are just that and are no replacement for starting your life afresh.

Currently it seems that you are playing into his hands and providing an audience for his childish needy behaviour.

It's hard, but move on. Deal with the legal stuff, fight for the house, or let it go, depending on your vision for the future and your ability to afford a fresh start.

Life is genuinely too short to waste it fighting this couple

Good luck x

[Starlight456]

Under certain situations the police will escort. I would ask when they come round

Also why are you listening bro him rant for an hour . He sounds an abusive arsole . . My ex when he did this I would hang up . You can either then silence it or turn it off . You don’t have to put up with this .

Re locks I agre he isn’t allowed. Ask your solicitor what you can do about it .

I would block him on everything though and think the police will advise the same . As you don’t have children together it’s only sorting the divorce out and he isn’t going to be reasonable so no point talking

You are well rid by the sounds of it.

[APerkyPumpkin]

I left with just the contents of 6 carrier bags when I had to leave.

In the garage was all my childhood photos, my dissertation, tons of stuff that I really didn't want to leave but hey ho, I'm alive!

i agree with blocking him on everything and asking the police to escort you to collect items, but if that isn't possible be thankful that you are out of there.

In terms of the mortgage, what are your options? This is basically what you need to look at so it might be worth a trip to CAB/your lender to look at the options.

[Beveren]

Why do you have to listen to him for an hour if he phones you at work? Most employers wouldn't tolerate it anyway. If hearing you yawn makes him hang up, it sounds like a good idea to yawn as soon as you hear his voice.

[Bluntness100]

Op, what do,you mean pay the mortgage? Have you moved out and are paying for the pair of them to live in the former marital home?

[slipperywhensparticus]

Court, occupation order non molestation order

Police, harassment order

Call the mortgage company see if you can hold the payment for a month so you can get it sorted

Why is he not paying? Is it joint mortgage?

[slipperywhensparticus]

And hang up when he abuses you

Tell him you have a new phone it does a trick and hang up and BLOCK HIM

[BlouseAndSkirt]

Your solicitor is the best person to advise against the house. But If you are a joint owner (and anyway it is a marital asset so you should be entitled to half) then see what you need to do to sell it.

Don’t just stop paying the mortgage, but keep proof that you have paid it while he is living there.

It is all very horrible for you but put your energies into improving your future without him. Focus on the practicalities of divorce and getting the house sold. Don’t run up lawyers bills about insulting e mails, ignore all that, look to your future and getting your share of the house etc.

[boringbertha]

Aside from the advice of a good solicitor, I found 'wikivorce' a brilliant source of information and support. Good luck, and yes agree that divorcing a narc is harder than being married to one. Be prepared for a costly divorce but goodness me, it'll be worth every penny.

[MaryQ89]

Gosh he sounds mental. Are their any children involved here?

[RandomMess]

As it is legally your house you could call a locksmith to get you in whilst it is empty (do you have any documentation in your name for that property to prove it's yours)?

I would suggest just getting your personal belongings not moving back in btw.

Speak to the mortgage company and ask for a payment holiday due to the circumstances, start the ball rolling forcing sale of the property via the courts.

Block him getting in touch with you, you don't need to listen to his bile.

[nosha123]

Thanks all. Yes I have been paying the mortgage whilst they both live there paying nothing towards it. But... I now have to pay layers to fight for me so the mortgage payments will stop this month.
He is jointly liable for the mortgage, but wont/cant pay. SO bank will commence proceedings against both of us.
To add even more unneccesary drama, there was a car chase on Friday evening near our marital home. Him chasing me in her car... and he rammed my car from behind.
Police already involved and now investigating this new incident.
I applied for a Non Mol Order, but he counted applied 2 days before hearing, so judge said it could take 6 months for a full trial date, so instead we both signed a promise to the court to not intimidate or harass or threaten violence. He has obviously breached this on several occasions, so now I have to pay more lawyers fees to apply for contempt of court. I cannot afford the mortgage from now on. I have to pay lawyers to fight on my behalf, because he wants to destroy me.
SO traumatic... and he is insane.. Needs to be sectioned!

[nosha123]

thankfully no children involved.
mortgage lender cannot help unless he calls them and answers an 'affordability quetionairre'.
Ive done mine.. but he wont call them or answer their call and as its a joint mortgage, they cant implement any help or special arrangement without his say so too.
So Im a bit stuffed.. because he is a narcissist.. and a bully.. in fact.. I think he is a psychopath!!!

[CJsGoldfish]

My estranged husband has developed vile narcissitc and even psychopathic tendencies…
He needs to be sectioned!!!
and he is insane.. Needs to be sectioned!
because he is a narcissist.. and a bully.. in fact.. I think he is a psychopath!!!

Step away from the Google.

You seem to be engaging an awful lot OP. I get that you are angry and bitter etc, who wouldn't be but you seem to be getting something out of continuing the drama. Why else would you listen on the phone for an hour??

Have you asked the police whether they could accompany you to collect your belongings? If not, why not? What is YOUR solution?

Communicating through lawyers is the way forward.