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What next?

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So40 Mon 04-Nov-19 06:49:27

I have 2 kids 11&9. I just took the week off work to look after the kids over half term and it's been awful. The week before half term my husband stayed out until 2am on the Tuesday and 4.30am on the Thursday. The second night was actually one we went on together with another couple, but after we all went home he ended up at a complete stranger's house drinking and taking drugs.
When I got home from work on the Friday he said he thought we should separate because he doesn't want to be scrutinised by me anymore, this is because I questioned why he's staying out until the early hours. He says he wants to be free of me watching his every move and that he's sacrificed his life for us at the expense of his own success to be a father. He also says that he can't stand how I don't have any body confidence, as I'm now all frumpy and unsexy. This is probably true, but he drinks every night, I work hard, and I have no time or energy to feel good about myself.

I hadn't planned anything for half term as I decided to wait to see if he wanted to go away with us, also my kids wanted to be home for Halloween, but by the Sunday it was clear that he didn't want to go anywhere, and anything I suggested he said sounded rubbish and lame. On Monday I took the kids to the Lake District on my own for 2 nights. It was lovely but challenging at times because they argue a lot, I'm sure my oldest is worse when he's ignored by his dad who is drinking/sleeping all the time.

When we got back from the Lake District, he got home at 10.30pm from work, because he got lost on the way home after stopping for a pint to go to the loo in a pub (!), then it was Thursday for Halloween. I invited friends around to make it more fun for the boys as I feel that our house is sad and angry. On Saturday my husband then went out drinking all day for the rugby, he got home at 10.30pm. Then yesterday he was hungover all day and worked from his office. He made us late for the community fireworks and clearly didn't care at all, then told the boys he had to pop to his office again and didn't get home until 9.30pm, by which time my oldest said he wanted to stay up with him because it's the only time he's seen him all week.

I'm so sad. Clearly from everything I've written he's a complete selfish loser right? We have had happy times as a family but when he's at his meanest he tells me he was only pretending and it's never been a life he wanted. For balance, I should say that over the past 2 years he has helped me a lot as I've had a very demanding job. Now the price seems to be that he wants to punish me. Even before those 2 years he was like this but maybe not as bad. He says such awful hurtful things. During all of it I have always worked solidly at home and at work. I'm exhausted and hurt.

Essentially I think this can only go one route now which is separation and divorce. He says he wants to because then at least he'll have a couple of days a week without the kids to pursue his own projects. I think it's more likely that he'll just drink and continue to be selfish and angry. I'd rather be there for my sons if that's happening.

I'm so sad for my sons. We have been happy at times but it all feels lost now.
What do I do next? I just want to make a happy family home for my kids.


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