Drowning Man

[Farnworth53]

Hi all,
Hope someone can offer some advice and I would appreciate it hearing from a females perspective.

In a nutshell, 2 weeks ago my wife and I (together for 13 years, married for 5 with 1 son together) had a chat as things weren't going to well. I originally asked back in May if everything was ok between the two of us as I'd noticed a change, very little affection, no intimacy, even a change in what she calls me, used to be hun but now my full name and it's slowly got to the point that she said we're separating. It felt like someone pulled the plug and I've been an emotional wreck ever since - 9th October so everything is still raw.
I'm full of guilt about the times I've not been there for her as a husband and partner and that as well as the person I was who constantly asking if things were ok - virtually everyday - I can see now how immature and unattractive this must have been to her.

Back when I said are we ok I foolishly said it was her who's changed as she started a new role with work - she is a funeral manager - and over the years I've said that she's become desensitized to emotions because of the role needed to help bereaved families etc. This was emphasized by her not shedding one tear about our separation where as I was in bits and feel like a drowning man. I couldn't understand how she could get upset over a work colleague getting suspended but show no emotion when our marriage was fading!! It was like she didn't care.

I had changed jobs as well, I'm a firefighter, and this new role has meant seeing less of my family due to shift pattern and the initial recruits course but we both knew this before I even started.

I know I've felt like my career was first sometimes but it never has been. My world is my wife and child and nothing will ever top that. Maybe my wife has felt that it has at times.

I've been the desperate guy asking for another chance more than once and accused her of seeing someone else, every thought entered my head over these past few months, I know this doesn't help matters but I'd do anything to get back together and be the family I always wanted.

We've sat down and stated none of us wanted this and we wanted to be together forever.

We still text each other, mainly about our son and we're happy to discuss other things like the house and my possessions but I hate seeing her not as my wife anymore and no matter how much I keep it all in I just want to cry. I feel daft thoughts such as how can you do this after 13 years? Why aren't you hurting like me? Why didn't you open up and talk when I've been asking all these months?... She said yesterday she regrets not talking more and being quiet and she admitted that she knows she's not the same 'Kelly' as she has been in the past- changed her name there -so maybe she's thinking about it all more now - I don't know. Being me I asked her again can you see us getting back together to which she replied 'At the moment I can't see us getting back together' and it's this comment that has got my head spinning. What does at the moment really mean? Is she saying it could resolve itself in a few months? - maybe the realisation hasnt kicked in - does it mean 6 months? Never?? I'm not expecting a xmas miracle film type of scenario and Im fully aware we might not end up together but when she says - at the moment, you'll always be part of my life, we'lI still go out and do family things together, I never wanted this, no one can predict the future can they. it makes me feel like it's going to resolve itself in a way I want.

Can anyone offer any advice please, I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you for reading

D

[Tiger785]

I know how you feel. I seperated 2 days ago (I'm 44 she is 40) wasn't married but long engagement with 3 girls 12,9,3. Things hadn't been great for a while though we still had sex which was as good as always so never really anticipated anything happening. She is on medication for depression and constantly stresses about money where as I'm laid back. I'll admit I'm not the best partner but certainly not the worst, i still love her and she still loves me but said she's not in love with me. Both been unhappy we or she decided to separate. I think I was maybe been blind thinking things would improve again as the kids get older. Today I have moved back to my mothers and she has moved back into our home, I lost my dad 4yrs ago and my head as been worse than it was then, I've asked her twice if she is sure this is what she wants and it is, best for the children as we was bickering a lot mainly about money. I'm bit of a emotional wreck at the minute god knows how long this will last. We are been amicable about everything and texting. She knows we need to sell the house so we can both move on but won't till after Xmas . If I could turn back the clocks I would (forgot to say been together 15yrs) I cant see how I'm going to get over this (I know I will eventually) just taking time to truly sink in and constantly feel sick. You sound like you might still have a future together so good look with that.

[NSA2103]

Farnsworth/Tiger. I sympathise with you both. Being two years into a horrible experience, the following advice/brain storm:
Don't blame yourselves totally - it may just be her.
Try relationship counselling. Make sure you at least try to sort things out, and have no regrets afterwards if you can't.
Don't move out of the family home.
Don't do any arguing or things in front of the kids that will pyschologically scar them.
Do look after yourselves and your mental health. Form a support network of friends, talk to them, don't bottle stuff up.
Get lots of sleep and exercise.
Read advice books from Relate and Transitions by William Bridges.
Develop a thick skin, and focus on the children - spend good quality time with them.
Talk, don't fight.
Understand the legal position - children and money. Try amicable resolution, then mediation, and failing that court.
Keep control of legal costs.
Keep other big parts of your life constant.
Take time before you jump into another relationship (that may be some way off).
Find ways of keeping your spirits up - dark humour was my way of coping with the really challenging moments.

Hope helpful

[Tiger785]

I moved out today, didn't want to but she said it won't be fair on anyone. We are been v amicable. My head is a total mess right now but hopefully soon start to heal.

[Strawberry72]

To be frank, she isn’t in love with you anymore. It sounds like she has been struggling for a while in the relationship - I know, as I feel the same about my husband.
You need to accept it and make a new life for yourself - very hard at the moment but it will get easier.

[Strawberry72]

Btw, I have repeatedly told my husband I am unhappy and he takes no notice. We don’t argue, as such, but my unhappiness and frustration makes me be angry at him at times as he just isn’t listening. Our mortgage is almost finished and I’ve waited for that but the lack of taking notice has really got to me and made me want to leave more.

[Farnworth53]

Thanks for the reply people. Me being me, I acused her again of seeing someone and woke up today blocked on FB. It was our little boys birthday yesterday and a real streesful day for me, we bought presents on the Saturday and told her I find it hard at the moment not seeing younas my wife etc.

Once again I'm full of guilt over accusing her yesterday. Especially now that she's blocked me