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Anyone seperated and still living together want to keep in touch through this process?

(52 Posts)
Louise000000 Mon 28-Oct-19 14:00:41

Just thought anyone in the same boat might like to keep in touch over the next few months and share how it's been so far and any issues etc
Although I told my husband on 17th September that I wanted out, I'd say it's probably this week that we have found a peace together and agreed to see how this will go living together and just being kind to each other, while living our seperate lives and Co parenting.
I'm already seeing positives ie he and kids are doing are lot more together and my oldest has said she enjoys their new Sunday routine together for example.
Therefore I get time to myself too which I am enjoying.
He's now accepted my decision and also accepts his part in the breakdown of the relationship.
I'm starting counselling at 5pm tonight so sort through my stuff.
I'm in a positive place today. While I know tomo could be different, I'll enjoy this while it lasts!

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Middleagemum Mon 28-Oct-19 17:21:24

I asked my husband for a divorce after 22 years of marriage and 24 years together. We initially tried cohabitating but I discovered he signed up to Tinder and Plenty of Fish the next day.
I kicked him out as this was the reason for ending the marriage in the first place.
I want to be amicable.
Its been years of him being caught chatting to other women online and saying he has a porn addiction. I’ve offered support as although successful in his career he really has become an empty human.
The start of this year while on holiday I discovered he had an sti that he was trying to hide from me.
To this day he swears he’s never cheated.
I have gone through severe depression and can’t seem to get over the fact that even now he still doesn’t choose me.
I have said let’s get help, sex therapy, couples therapy, both?
He said no but has done nothing to improve. I couldn’t see a future because I can’t trust and want a marriage that is secure.
We just told the kids 19&20. But I’m heartbroken.
His family is telling him to get a quickie divorce and be rid of me.
I’m now embarking on my career as it was on hold for him and the kids.
Any advice on how to stop crying and how to protect myself financially?
I’m eating healthy, exercising, studying.
I don’t want maintenance indefinitely just until I achieve my goals. He earns well but I think he’s shocked that I’ve finally ended things.
I’m a bit scared and feel all alone. Although my kids aren’t surprised, I don’t want to burden them with how fragile my emotions really are.
Any advice is appreciated.

Nighowl Mon 28-Oct-19 20:30:17

We decided to separate a month ago. It’s been hard. We are trying to be amicable, it’s mostly working but it’s hard with emotions running high. We have decided we’ll sell but I only work part time and do all the childcare so I’m going to have to live off my share of the equity. (Really don’t want to do this) I could possibly buy in another cheaper area but don’t want my kids to have to change schools as well. It feels like the responsibility is solely on me. DH won’t even commit to certain days during the week to have the kids so I can do more hours. Have good positive days and then days where everything feels too much

atr79gb Mon 28-Oct-19 20:31:01

My experience is a little bit different.

Around 18 months ago, my wife told she wanted to simply be friends and that she wanted to continue to live together for the sake of the kids but have an open relationship. I told her in very simple terms that she had to either commit fully to me or we had to go our separate ways. This didn't work out.

We are still living together, she has me paying for everything and she is making it as hard as possible to divorce her as she simply refuses to engage. I certainly wouldn't recommend living together after a separation unless the boundaries are very clearly defined.

On the plus side, it's made me stronger as a person and I feel better for it.

There are other positives too as my relationship with my children is now stronger than ever because all my family time is dedicated to them. This encouraged me to change jobs to enable me to work more flexibly so I can spend more time with them.

I'd be interested in hearing about other people's experiences.

Louise000000 Mon 28-Oct-19 21:48:31

My reasons for living together are that my husband has a weed addiction which he's admitted to and he's stopping and needs support.
However I'm just home after a session with a phycologist who was adamant I need to get him out and away from the kids as they are learning from him and he will still have plenty supressed emotions which are going to come out!!
Also I was 24 and my parents seperated for a year and I wanted to help my mum and be there and hear all her thoughts and it was definitely no burden for me, it made us closer!!
So I've no idea what to do now! But I'll play it by ear until the new year!
Middle age mum I found the phycologist very helpful if it's possible for you to see one? This was a phycologist not a councillor so he had facts and science to explain my husbands brain etc very interesting
I'm in a different emotional place as I feel relieved that we have split and after the session tonight I feel confident in my decision.

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Louise000000 Mon 28-Oct-19 21:50:01

Nighowl I'm worried about money also. Have you checked what universal credit you xoukd get if he left?

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Louise000000 Mon 28-Oct-19 21:51:29

My post has come out all jumbled up there, that bit abot me being 24 is aimed at middle age mum!!

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Louise000000 Mon 28-Oct-19 21:54:02

Atr79gb sounds like you are being taken advantage of a bit here! How much longer can you go on like this?

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atr79gb Mon 28-Oct-19 22:07:44

@Louise000000 not much longer to be honest!

I'm now at a point where I can progress the divorce even without having to wait for her to sign the acknowledgement of service. I long for the day when I can have my own place with the kids away from her to be honest.

Louise000000 Mon 28-Oct-19 22:50:47

Atr79gb I just read your other post that your ex isn't allowing you to date? But she's dating? That seems like she's having her cake and eating it. I would be going out and meeting new women and having a bit of fun if I were you.
What's stopping you leaving ASAP?
It's really money that my biggest reason for this living situation.

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atr79gb Mon 28-Oct-19 23:23:50

@Louise000000 yeah, it's not a great situation. She originally told me she wanted me to meet someone else and then told me she wanted me to wait a whole year before meeting anyone else.

The main reason I haven't left up until now is because my solicitor has advised me to stay in the house as leaving could harm my negotiating position (we have a house and 2 children together). But, if I stay in the house, my wife refuses to engage and discuss the divorce. So, it's a catch 22.

I'm ok financially - that's not my concern so much, I want to maximize my time with my kids.

Nighowl Tue 29-Oct-19 06:10:59

I’m not entitled to any help as I will get a lump sum from the house sale. If I bought straight away and the equity goes back into the new property I’d get some benefits. However, I do t earn enough to get a big enough mortgage to cover the other half. So I can’t buy in the area I presently live. In which case I get no help as I will have substantial savings. Dh just said that’s what that money is for and if I’m careful I can make it last!!! Then what? I’m left with nothing for my future!

Nighowl Tue 29-Oct-19 06:22:25

@Louise000000 I think your psychologist is right you’ll never be able to move forward living together. He will inevitably go back to smoking with the situation you are in. My sister has a massive weed habit going in for years, she had cannibis induced psychos on several occasions and it’s not something I could deal with in my home with everything else going in too. It’s hard to make the step, but I think ultimately you will be happier in the long run if you live separately.

Nighowl Tue 29-Oct-19 06:25:39

@atr79gb sounds like your wife is scared to move on and take responsibility for her own finances. She’s got it easier at home with you, as we all have financially staying together, and she’s burying her head in the sand about the future. Think you need to make her sit down and discuss this, especially the children and house situation.

Oakleaf40 Wed 30-Oct-19 13:40:32

I'm in a similar situation and would.love to keep in touch with you all. After 19 years together my husband wants to separate. If I'm honest the last few years have been very tough on is both. He lost his job and started working for himself which put a massive strain on our relationship. So he called it quits. This makes me so angry because I've done nothing but support him for years. Anyway now we are separated we are still living with each other which is the most difficult thing I have ever done and I wish it was all over. We can't afford to move out yet due to financial issues. It's very hard when they turn around and say oh we get on such better as friends. Makes me want to scream!!!

stucknoue Wed 30-Oct-19 13:45:52

We stayed in the same house for 7 months, he's recently moved out. Kids are adults and we can afford two houses though

Louise000000 Wed 30-Oct-19 17:09:27

I've heard from the wellfare office today that I would be able to run the house on my own.
So pleased! !
Dh thinks he has the power as he makes the money I think.
Now it's a case of suggesting that he moves out.
Will speak to a solicitor first too
@Oakleaf40 has your dhelp said you are better as friends?

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Oakleaf40 Wed 30-Oct-19 19:06:13

Yes. Says we get along better now. I'm not sure what world he is on but we get on worse now than ever!! I'm trying to change and be a better person after all the insults he had said to me and how he said I was acting etc. Yet he is still the same, not changed a single bit. Still acting in the same way. Doesn't help with anything at all. Its Its really frustrating.

atr79gb Wed 30-Oct-19 20:12:30

I'm not a fan of spouses telling each other they want to be just friends after years of being together as a couple.

This is exactly what happened to me and I'm having to deal with the fallout alone. Since telling me, she has made no effort to sort out either a separation or a divorce. She's essentially carrying on as if nothing has changed. So, the only way to sort this out is for me to progress the separation and divorce. If I discuss the the current situation, she flies off the handle and asks me to leave.

It's a long road, very difficult but I feel I'm coming out the other side now.

GoatsBroccoli Wed 30-Oct-19 20:17:21

@Nighowl have you considered a mesher order? It would mean you and your children could stay in the home, you'd be entitled to uc help and would not be in the position of having to eat into your equity.

Oakleaf40 Wed 30-Oct-19 20:48:49

How crazy. We seem to be in the same situation. They are on a dream world. Want us to change but they can still be and act the same. So glad I can see the wood for the trees.

Nighowl Wed 30-Oct-19 21:04:16

@GoatsBroccoli I have thought about a meshed order but that leave dh unable to get somewhere as he wouldn’t have his share of the equity. Don’t think I could do that to him. I still love him despite the fact we just cannot make our marriage work. We’ve kind of agreed to a 60/40 split of the equity but that still leave me unable to buy anything other than a two bed flat in our area. I have a son and daughter so really need a three bed... though dh suggested I get a pull out and sleep in the living room in a flat 🙄

Nighowl Wed 30-Oct-19 21:44:15

@Louise000000 that’s great news! How do you think DH will react to this?

Nighowl Wed 30-Oct-19 21:49:32

How is everyone dealing with the living together but separating? I’ve been up and down all week.... positive one minute , the next feeling despair in how we ended up like this. It’s like we are two strangers in the same house.... we even take turns of an evening in the living room.... is that weird? Feel like I’ve lost my best friend as well as my DH..... I wonder if anyone ever manages to stay friends? I know @Oakleaf40 and @atr79gb are not fans but after 17 years together I can’t imagine there being nothing....

paddingtonbearsmarmalade Wed 30-Oct-19 21:54:34

@nighowl my parents have been separated for... 17 years(?ish) and are best friends. They continued to live together for a short time in separate bedrooms to see if that helped, but it didn’t resolve the issues in their marriage so my father moved out. They are a bit weird because they jointly own both houses (hers and his) and still have joint finances but are romantically separate. But they’re good friends & even now I’m an adult and live away from home they see each other regularly, we spend Christmas together, etc. It is possible but it’s not easy and it isn’t necessarily always the right path either.

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