Splitting equity/ refusal of CM

[milkysmum]

H and I separated 16 months ago. Married 13 tears, together 19 years. 2 children age 10 and 8.
Long history of heavy alcohol use, drug use, emotional abuse etc..,
H has always been self employed in building trade,, not always put what he should through the books. I've always had a good, well paid solid job as a nurse/ senior positions etc.,
So I have remained in family home. We have 80k remaining on mortgage, current valuation around 120k
I have a pension pot, he doesn't. I've always been responsible with money, he's always spent his down the pub etc..,
So I'm filing for divorce. He is now living with another woman. Has very little contact with our children and has paid not one penny maintenance since he moved out. Says he can't afford it ( can afford to be in the pub/ smoke/ spend on other things...)
So my question I guess is should he really be entitled to money out of the house/ a share of my pension given I have paid for everything for god knows how many years, I have worked hard, I know I will get zero maintenance out of him ever despite him earning a good wage in the building trade ( as he will be getting paid cash and therefore CSA cannot do anything as on paper he earns nothing!) any wise Mumsnet gets been in a similar position? I feel lost, I think he should sign me over the house in lieu of CM but other people disagree?
Thanks in advance for any advice

[millymollymoomoo]

Morally I agree
Legally he’s entitled to a fair share of marital assets which include your pensions. On the basis of need and with dependent children your needs are greater and therefore should argue for higher split.
After 12 months you’d be able to claim cms even if the house was signed to you in lieu of it so I’d expect his solicitor to advise him against that. Sounds like you definitely should be seeking lions share though

[Brakebackcyclebot]

Legally and morally are very different. Have you had legal advice? If not, get some so that you know your legal position.

[Thehagonthehill]

I was luck as my ex had savings which balanced up against my pension(although since it took 2 years he hid a lot immediately then,cooked the books(self employed)and finances for last 2 yes made home look poor.
So the pensions value is taken into account and you will probably have to split it sorry to say.It also costs a lot to do that.
Your solicitor should advise you of how to split things.

[milkysmum]

He hasn't got a solicitor, he could not afford one ( would not prioritise to pay for one).
My solicitor has said she cannot advise me on what is a fair offer if we don't both do financial disclosure?? Which will cost to do and I know he hasn't got anything so I really don't see the point. H and I have literally not had one conversation about the ending of marriage since we split / I kicked him out. He just will not talk about anything which is why I'm finding it hard to know what to do. I think it's so unfair he can get away with paying nothing, not one penny, but yet I have to give him thousands of pounds, I just don't get why that is allowed. Why a judge would agree to that?

[StealthMama]

A judge might not agree to that given the children remain in your sole care. I think firstly is to put the finances aside and sort out parental contact, as if the kids stay over with him etc contribute to any child maintenance.

You can equally submit fir divorce and simple state everything remains with you? Is it a joint mortgage? Can you afford it on your own?

You need to have a realistic discussion with ex I'm afraid.

[milkysmum]

Yes I can absolutely afford to take over the mortgage on my own. I agree maybe I should say to him that until he he having regular contact with the children and paying regular maintenance then I'm not willing to discuss a split of the other finances?
Honestly this man will do anything to avoid a grown up discussion though, this will all be done over text messages, it's beyond ridiculous and a major contributing factor for the separation.

[ColaFreezePop]

Unfortunately you can't hold him to ransom over the child arrangements as they should change as the children get older and have more say in their own contact with both parents.

However it is worth trying to sort it out first by giving him a deadline to respond to you by. Send him a written proposal of what you think is suitable, and ask him if he agrees or would like to suggest alternatives. If he doesn't respond there is nothing stopping you writing to him and saying as he currently doesn't want contact with your joint children you won't continue to chase it.

Then immediately start to sort out your finances. If he refuses you will have to go to court to get a financial order so you can have a clean break. If you don't he can hold you in limbo until your youngest is 18 then try and claim a chunk of the house and your pension.