Am I allowed to be angry?

[ohdarlingheart]

Apologies if this isn’t the right place to post (it's my first time posting on mumsnet) but I don’t really know where else to turn to about this. My husband of 4 years announced at the end of the summer that he wasn’t happy, he agreed to counselling but I could tell his heart wasn’t in. He seemed to think a weekly session and then ignoring me the rest of the time would fix things… clearly not. We separated three weeks ago and he’s full steam ahead with the divorce. We don’t have children but have been together since we were teenagers. I lived my whole adult life with him.

I am trying to hard to hold it all together, to not give in to the angry ex stereotype but I am furious. I am furious that after 15 years together he didn’t even try. I am furious that he wants a quick divorce and therefore to site my unreasonable behaviour even though I don't think I was/am unreasonable. I am furious that not only has he blown up our lives but he’s taken our future away too. I am in my mid 30s, we were planning for a family and now I’m on my own. For the first time in my life.

The thing is I don't want to be furious. I don't want to be the bitter scorned ex-wife who can't get past her anger, but I think in trying so hard to not be that I've ignored that I am angry.

I have family and friends around me but I don’t know what to do. I think I’m in shock. And I suppose what I'm asking is am I allowed to be angry and if I give into it will it consume me or will it ebb and flow?

[Palaver1]

You have every right to feel this way.Thank your stars it’s happening now and not in years to come.
Surely you must have felt a shift but I suppose you’ve been together for so long you would have assumed he would have put some effort in.
I hope you don’t discover a reason to his wanting to end it to be something else.
Be angry but remember there will always be a part of you that resents the years supposedly wasted.
Marriage is such a gamble.
Take care .nothing anyone can say will make it better only time will heal.

[Bluntness100]

Op, you can feel however you feel. No one has a right to challenge that. You have a right to your anger.

But also remember he also has a right to how he feels. And if he no longer feels happy in the marriage or able to sustain it, then he is at liberty to end it.

We are all entitled to our feelings.

[KatherineJaneway]

Yes, and to be honest I'd find it odd if you weren't. Only thing I'd say is try not to stay angry for too long. You are still young and will find love again. I bet that sounds a hollow platitude at the moment with all your going through, but it is true.

[Savingforarainyday]

OP
Of course you can be angry, it's part of grieving for the future you had hoped to have.
But then let it go.

Your DH has changed his mind. He doesn't owe you his life just because you have been together for a long while. It is unfortunate, and it hurts, but try not to hold on to anger.
It truly isn't the worst thing in the world to be single.
You are still young, you will find someone else..
Be angry, but let it go.

[justilou1]

I think you would be thoroughly unreasonable NOT to be fucking furious. He went to therapy just to show his family and friends that he tried, not because he really wanted to.

[madcatladyforever]

If we suppress our feelings it does endless damage. You have a right to be bloody angry - be angry.
He's chucked a hand grenade into your life.
You will get through this and you will be ok.
It is no life living with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
My ex cited my unreasonable behaviour too after he had been an arsehole for many years but it would have cost me thousands to challenge it so I didn't but it still hurts.
Allow yourself to rage but make sure it has an end date. You are young enough to still have children with someone who appreciates you.

[Thehagonthehill]

I found the anger useful as the sadness made me passive.
I used it to plan and organise for the split and making sure that I wasn't taken advantage of(as at first I just wanted an end your all).
For me the anger also got me out and away safely.
So be angry but fire it in the right direction.(Going somewhere away from people and screaming as long and loud as you like is also useful occasionally).

[ohdarlingheart]

Thank you all so much for replies.

Woah was I angry when I wrote that. It's settled now slightly and I assume this is just how it will be – ups and downs. I guess the shock has faded and it's onto the next stage.

@Savingforarainyday I maybe wasn't clear, I know he doesn't owe it to me to stay and I would never want him (or me) to stay in a marriage where we weren't happy. I can accept he's changed his mind. It's just taking me time to get my head around it because his reasons seem so small and like things we could have worked on.