Making a huge mistake

[Nighowl]

We have been struggling for three years, Its a long story but we have finally decided to separate. I know it’s the right decision but I feel so heartbroken. I love him so much and we have spent the last 17 years together. However I’m no longer in love with him and cannot imagine that side ever returning as too much has been said. We are still living together and very amicable. I keep having huge moments of doubt. He is my best friend. I keep wanting to hug him but that could send out the wrong signals, I miss our friendship so much as we don’t really chat anymore since deciding to split He says he’d still want to keep trying but I’ve been so unhappy for so long. There’s no abuse or affairs just two people who’ve had a lot chucked at them and have both struggled to deal with it in their own ways. He shut me out for so long that I had resigned myself for it being over and then he suddenly decided he wanted to give it a proper go and said he hadn’t been trying to make things work for a couple of years. But for me it felt too late, my head and heart had moved on. I tried to make myself fall back in love but not sure it’s possible. Sorry this is a lot of rambling but I’m struggling with all this emotion and keep worrying I might be making a massive mistake. I’m scared of when we move out, and how much I’ll miss him. Is three years long enough to keep trying? I feel like a failure and would give anything and everything to have our relationship back to how it used to be but cannot make it happen. I guess I’m Just wondering if others are in a similar situation or were? I know no one can tell me what to do, just looking for coping mechanisms and reassurance

[BellaPuppy]

What about trying one last thing like marriage counselling / relate just to see if your feelings can come back? And if not that will give you the certainty it's really over X

[Samsamsuperman]

Def Relate. It'll give you the answers/closure you need

[quincejamplease]

Maybe also look at grief and its "stages" to help you work out if that is what these feelings are - the natural grieving process - or if they're something different you want to try and act on?

Either way, you're not a failure. You're not.

[Ariela]

Friends of mine were like this, and spent a good 6-9 months marriage counselling and are now like happy newly weds. Neither felt valued by the other when they were talking about splitting.

[Nighowl]

I suggested counselling over two years ago and he was really against it. Though eventually said he’d go if u wanted him to but thought it a waste of money..... I didn’t think that was the right attitude to go into counselling with. He hates others knowing his business and I don’t think he’d open up if he did agree. I am going to get some counselling for myself though.

[ohdarlingheart]

My husband and I tried counselling at the end and his heart wasn't in. To be honest, it hurt more than it helped. But, I would have given anything to save our marriage and we tried. If you think counselling will help you, if you think the feelings of love are still there somewhere on both sides it's worth a try.

Either way, I would recommend counselling for yourself. It helps (I am in very early stages of separation/divorce). Just having someone who is not biased, is there to listen without judgement, and help you view things a different way is helping me so much.

One thing you said in your post that you'd give anything to go back. You can't. You can go forward but you can't go back. It might be better but it won't be what it was and you need to prepare for that.