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Divorce/separation

Reaching

42 replies

Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 12:37

I recently posted for advice on reaching a settlement re finances without going to court. Received some great advice. Thank you.

I was hoping to hear from people who remained amicable with their exes and reached agreements re childcare and finances without going through mediation or to court.

In brief, together nearly 2 decades, married 5-6 years, 2 children in primary school. Both working FT, paying into pensions for at least 15 years. Husband earns significantly more than me and also inheritance a sum of money following death of a parent earlier this year. We jointly own a house with a mortgage. Significant capital in the property.

I understand the general starting point for division of assets is 50/50. I also understand that husband’s inheritance may/may not be considered a marital asset. However with this inheritance he would be in a position to buy me out at 50/50 split (possibly a slightly higher proportion for me). I would not be able to buy him out at 50/50 split.

At this stage husband is stating he wishes to split childcare 50/50 which is interesting given his excessive working hours (partly the reason for the breakdown of our marriage but I get that’s irrelevant). He has suggested 50/50 split of equity on house. Inheritance is in his words ‘off limits’ but he is willing to pay some maintenance given that I earn significantly less.

I am hoping to keep things amicable and I’d like to be able to move on as quickly as possible.

Is my husband’s suggestion reasonable? It seems so to me on the face of things. I’d be able to buy a smaller house but one that would accommodate me and the children. And I envisage that I would be able to get by really. However lots of people keep advising me to make sure I get what I’m entitled, don’t agree to anything yet, see a solicitor, consider the longer term, the likelihood that I’ll be doing most of the childcare etc.

Is this really necessary..? I can’t be bothered with the drama but I’m worried that I’m going to do me and my children a disservice...

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 12:40

Just realised I didn’t put a proper title in the thread 😂😂

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quincejamplease · 20/10/2019 12:43

By amicable do you mean being a doormat and just doing everything he wants exactly as he wants it? Because that's how it sounds.

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 12:49

Legal advice all the way!!

Has he spent any of the inheritance yet?

It doesn't sound like he can do 50:50 and you will be left with the bulk of the work...

You need to ask for a clean break which is a bigger share of the assets rather than maintenance above any CMS entitlement. If he earns more is his pension also bigger?

You will likely house the DC way beyond 28.

Also his earning ability means he can afford a bigger mortgage which is taken into account when settling assets.

Do not be a doormat!

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 12:50

I appreciate what you’re saying @quincejamplease and this is partly why I am posting. I have been abut if a doormat at times in this relationship and now I have made the decision to end the marriage. I have spent the best part of 20 years with a man whose needs and wants have the priority. I just want to free myself now from the bullshit. I earn a reasonable wage and I can support me and my children. Husband is a good dad and will always financially provide. I need to cut financial ties and start my new life. I would like to hear from others who reached arrangements independently of mediation and court and what they agreed.

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SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 12:54

His inheritance should be off limits. It’s terrible to try and get a chunk of the money someone’s parents left them! Can’t believe it’s often considered a marital asset!

If I were him that money would very quickly disappear and as far as you or anyone else is concerned I would have ‘spent it’!

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 12:54

He may not financially provide!!!

When either of you get a partner that will like change, what if he has more DC?

If you speak to a couple of solicitors for professional advice it doesn't mean you then can't agree privately.

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MsPepperPotts · 20/10/2019 12:55

I would suggest going to Mediation which is cheaper...You need a fair and equitable financial resolution rather than one that your H thinks is fair and you're supposed to go along with.

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 12:55

Should add that if we do split 50/50 he will be in a position to buy me out and remain in our house making 50/50 childcare more achievabl. I’d really like it if my children got to keep as much stability as possible. If we sell up i envisage him moving closer to his workplace a 45 mins drive away. This would make 50/50 childcare problematic due the distance he’d be from the school.

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 13:06

Have you had both pensions valued?

It is so easy for him to say he wants the DC 50:50 to justify the same with the assets but you state it won't be possible with his job.

He out earns you so can afford a bigger mortgage, he has a notable inheritance for a home.

Sorry but it doesn't sound you like you are being a doormat.

I wouldn't agree to anything until you have pension valuations and I would be insistent on more than 50% (excluding inheritance) as the existing main carer so you and the DC can stay in the FMH as that is in their best interests.

Ask for more than you need so you can at least compromise to the bare minimum you need to make it happen.

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oldfatandtired1 · 20/10/2019 13:09

If you’re willing to give more info - ie ages, respective salaries, equity in house, size of inheritance etc you might get better advice. But on the face of it - you’re being a bit of a doormat. This is a long relationship - and while I hate to use the word ‘entitled’ - it allows a fair distribution of assets. And ‘fair’ is not always 50/50 especially when young children are involved. Please see a good family solicitor.

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 13:11

He’s only be in a position to buy me out at 50/50 because of his inheritance. Without that the house would likely need to be sold. In fairness I’m happier for him to remain in the FMH. I’d struggle to maintain the garden, which is a hobby of his. The house would likely become a shithole though but that’d be the case wherever he lived.

No our pensions haven’t been valued. I’m unsure how they are considered as part of division of assets...

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 13:11

When he retires at 55 with a £50k salary and you at 68 on £15k after you enabled his career for 20 years for the sake of "being amicable" then it will be a bitter pill to swallow.

Obviously his pension may not be that great but hence why you need to know what they are worth...

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 13:14

Because both of them are assets???

They are valued as their worth now and added to the pot.

Sounds like selling FMH needs to happen and both move one. Would be interesting to see where he intends to buy and accidentally reveal how 50:50 won't actually work...

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 13:16

@oldfatandtired1 thank you for your response. As well as 50/50 split he’s also offering maintenance...

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 13:18

Maintenance above CMS can be stopped after a year!!!

Even when court ordered they can request to review it and is not likely to carry on for years it's usually seen as a short term measure.

Seriously you need professional advice before negotiating with him so you know your likely legal position.

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waterSpider · 20/10/2019 13:20

Sometimes people lose out when the finances and childcare both go 50/50ish, and then a year down the line the childcare goes back to a more traditional arrangement which should have meant a less equal capital split (like 60/40). But that capital split is once only.

Have you asked him how he plans to look after the kids -- take to school, collect, 6 week summer school holidays - at 50%? Maybe give those arrangements a 'trial run' whilst you are still (I assume) living in the same house. See how he gets on, before agreeing to that??

I also think you need to be looking more closely at his pension wealth. After 20 or so years there could be a difference in the £100,000s if his scheme is generous, or the £10,000s certainly. Then, you might be able to get >50% of the house equity purely on the basis that you don't split the pensions.

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 13:21

@RandomMess totally get your point re the 50/50 child care and his place of work. During our final marriage counselling session he inferred that I was being controlling by expressing concern for the welfare of our children because of the possibility of a 45 mins at journey to school 2-3 days a week, were he to move and that 50/50 childcare would seem impractical. Annoyingly the counsellor ‘took his corner’ and basically said she knew of lots of friends who’d split, lived in different towns and ‘just made things work’ re 50/50. I suppose I have to give him a chance.

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oldfatandtired1 · 20/10/2019 13:21

Glad to hear he’s offering maintenance - but what if he loses his job and can’t pay? What if he just decides to be an arse and you have to fight for it every month? He may be nice and amicable now but things can change very quickly. I’d be inclined to try for a clean break (he’ll have to pay child maintenance though) as its easier to get on with your life. But you must have full disclosure of everything that’s in the pot.

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 13:26

The point is this - even without maintenance I can get by. I appreciate there’s a chance he could meet someone else and have another child but never in a million years would he not take financial responsibility for our children. Hand in heart I know he adores them. Which is why he wants 50/50.

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 13:30

Head brick wall

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GrumpiestCat · 20/10/2019 13:36

Get a solicitor. Honestly it's so easy to be spivved out of what you're entitled to when incomes are very different. I had my eyes thoroughly opened when mine gently pointed out how much worse off I was post separation and how much better off he was and how that wasn't fair. We had been "amicable".

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oldfatandtired1 · 20/10/2019 13:38

Agreed RandomMess. OP - you’re just not listening. People are trying to help - and many of us have been there, got the T-shirt - you MUST see a good solicitor and get advice. Do not sell yourself short. “Never in a million years would he not take responsibility for our children?” Maybe if he meets someone else and starts another family, I’m seeing that right now with a work friend.

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 13:38

@RandomMess I’m sorry if it seems like that. I really do appreciate everyone’s advice. The general consensus seems that I should seek legal advice and perhaps have a have a higher starting point for the division of assets in my favour. I just want to move on quickly, without any fighting and remain on good terms for our children. I can be financially independent with or without him. I have seen posts where others have managed similar and I was hoping to hear some other perspectives too...

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Minionmomma · 20/10/2019 13:43

@oldfatandtired and @grumpiestcat thank you too for your advice. I will seek legal advice before agreeing a split of assets. Friends have also said the same re how things can change when another partner and/or child come into the picture. I do bear that in mind. I think in part I just do not want to fight or draw this out. I feel like I am in limbo and that I cannot move on with my life. Meanwhile he’s moved out and walks around with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. It’s tough.

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RandomMess · 20/10/2019 13:47

So he's currently doing 50:50 with the DC is he?

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