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What is he hoping to achieve?

(19 Posts)
fingernailsbitten Fri 18-Oct-19 11:37:43

My DH decided he wants to be single and not have the 'worry' of being married anymore. That was approx 6 months ago. He sort of moved out but I thought it was to get some thinking space as all he took was a couple of changes of work clothes and some shoes. Fast forward to now and as he told me by text message: I'm not coming home. I then decided to take some control so I asked to go to mediation. He ignored the suggestion. I suggested marriage counselling. Again he ignored the suggestion. I asked to meet up to talk. He was then 'not available'. The person who only ever went to a sports club one night of the week was suddenly too busy to arrange any meet up. (not even able to talk on the phone).

I reluctantly realised I was wasting my time. I served a divorce petition. He has ignored it. He ignored telephone calls. He ignored emails. He confirmed in a text that he received the court letter but has not done anything about it.

My question is: if he wants to out of the marriage why not welcome the fact I served the divorce petition?

Second question: Why does he keep all of his clothes, shoes, golf clubs, paperwork, car crap/spare parts/coats/spare work uniform, CDs, DVDs, games consoles, wide screen tv, blueray player, satellite stuff, coin collection, collected car and sports magazines in the house he wants nothing to do with?

I'm now the custodian/caretaker of all the above. And our animals. He has not once shown the slightest bit of concern or interest in our animals that we've jointly acquired and cared for in excess of 15 years.

Please offer your explanations.

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PicsInRed Fri 18-Oct-19 11:44:04

Best guess, he had an affair and left but isn't certain yet whether the grass is greener so he's keeping one foot in the door with you just in case. I'd hire a process server to serve the divorce papers and a solicitor to ensure that the finances (e.g. pensions, house) are properly dealt with.

I'm so sorry, it's awful. flowers

fingernailsbitten Fri 18-Oct-19 12:33:42

Yes. I''m also thinking he's had or is now having an affair.
I swerve from being upset and sad about it all to being annoyed at him. I don't want all his stuff at home. Am I right that legally I can't make him take any of the stuff? I am confident I also can't stop him I hev wants to move back in to the house even though I'm living there. We own the house and mortgage jointly.

I was so willing to repair whatever the damage was but he would not talk to me. At all. That's why he 'moved out' with one bag of stuff. I had tried so many timed to get a conversation going that I finally said why don;t you move out for a while and he ansered that with Yes I think I will. Was he looking for an argument to make him feel better?

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fingernailsbitten Fri 18-Oct-19 12:34:40

My apologies for the typing errors

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catspyjamas123 Fri 18-Oct-19 15:41:34

My ex left nearly all his clothes and most of the “stuff”. We are now divorced and have a signed consent order that says everything left in the house is mine. I had to pay a lot to buy him out - 55% of equity. The clothes have now gone to the tip. I don’t think he even has photos of the kids. Odd.

fingernailsbitten Fri 18-Oct-19 16:04:26

That is odd behaviour. Perhaps most men can walk away with no qualms. I'm in bits.

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mostlydrinkstea Fri 18-Oct-19 16:09:32

This book and website may help

He has checked out of the marriage. It is very likely there is someone else. You can be confident that in his mind it is all your fault. It is really, really hard to live through this.

Solitaryradiator Sat 19-Oct-19 08:07:27

He’s not in prison is he?!

fingernailsbitten Sat 19-Oct-19 16:02:13

I shouldn't think he's ever done anything bad. He wouldn't be in prison.

We have always had separate finances. His account is for his salary and mine if for mine.

I just feel like i'm in limbo.

On paper i'm married. We have a joint mortgage. He isn't here. He does not want to answer my phone calls or emails.

I don't want to turn up where he is living because I don't want him to tell anyone I'm stalking him.

I'm obviously no use to him any more. He does not need or want me. He can't even talk to me.

I'll have to suffer more being ignored and more being left hanging.

It's so frustrating. I want to throw all his stuff away. That way he can feel as unwanted as I feel.

Years and years of my life I've tolerated things I'd like to have been different. I've compromised so many times and tried to be supportive of his job and family. All for this treatment. Being ignored and treated with utter contempt. Like i'm so worthless.

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Weenurse Sun 20-Oct-19 07:07:43

Send him a letter telling him he needs to collect his stuff by a certain date or it will be sold or donated.
Then plan a fabulous life without him.

CallmeAngelina Sun 20-Oct-19 07:16:06

This must be intolerable. I'm so sorry. Agree that you should give him on chance to collect or bin it. It's beyond unfair that you should have to deal with all his crap but I think you will feel better once you've done it.
Were there any signs of this oddness in his personality in other areas? Did he always compartmentalise? Was he unkind about others or selfish? Sounds like you will be better off without him but I know that doesn't stop it hurting terribly. You have no answers and no sense of closure.

mostlydrinkstea Sun 20-Oct-19 08:14:45

You are not worthless. You are grieving and that takes time. What you can do is some practical stuff. Get his stuff out of sight. Stick it in a wardrobe, the garage, somewhere you won't be reminded of your old relationship the time. Take down his pictures. Make the bedroom yours. Maybe move the furniture, stick up some fairy lights, new cushions, whatever.

Sort out the finances. Talk to a divorce lawyer. Lean on friends.

Sleep and eat.

I found that a mantra helped when my thoughts started spiralling and getting obsessive. My husband left. That is his choice. My choice is to live well.

It is horrible. Lots of women have been there. It gets better.

fingernailsbitten Mon 21-Oct-19 11:02:51

Thank you all.
DH has always been a silent one and liked to ignore any issues. I'm a talker. Somehow it used to work.

I've called his mobile this morning but it rang and rang then went to answerphone. I did not leave a message.

I need closure. I need a divorce. I need him to be more mature. He left.I'm sorting out all the practicalities.

To top it off this morning there was no hot water and no heating. DH used to 'fix' things like that. I'll have to organise an engineer.

I had a good weekend with family and some friends. I still miss him.

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mybrilliantmind Mon 21-Oct-19 13:39:27

Of course you miss him!
I have been left to sort everything with my STBXH barely giving a backwards glance. Despite his protests to the contrary the OW did come out of the woodwork in my case.
Email him with 14 days to pick up his stuff otherwise you'll drop it at his mother's (men hate 'scenes') Failing that, do a car boot and do something nice for yourself with with the cash.

Ss770640 Tue 22-Oct-19 19:28:58

Explanation is simple.

He's probably met someone else and can't be bothered to deal with everything he left behind.

Start imposing time limits on everything. Remove the belongings and force the divorce pending what your law says.

HugoSpritz Tue 22-Oct-19 19:41:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abitsadbuthopeful Tue 22-Oct-19 22:29:56

He's had an affair and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy so leaves you to file for divorce so he can tell all his friends you are the bad guy.

Been there, still living through the utter narcissitic nonsense these halfwits put us through.

For insight read Chump lady. She's brilliant. And don't look back, in a years time you'll be lighter than a feather and free. Xx

fingernailsbitten Wed 23-Oct-19 10:54:05

H has finally answered to phone and is probably about to agree to have a face to face conversation with me sometime next week.
He admitted he has been talking to someone. A woman. I did not ask any details as I would rather not know. I drew the conclusion that he had met her after he left our house becuse before that he was glued to the sofa and only left the room to go to work and come home and lay on sofa in the dark watching zombie crap, football and property programmes. Back then he was not washing/showering frequently and was not looking like a man with a new girlfriend. He looked like shit to be honest.
I'll see if he actually confirms a meet up and we'll see what happens.

I am gutted that my marriage has come to this. I always had his back and thought he had mine too.

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Palaver1 Sat 26-Oct-19 07:11:05

No his trying to have his cake and eat it be more proactive.In divorce no one has anyone’s back it’s every man woman whatever for themselves

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