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What is fair here regarding finances?

(19 Posts)
LongTimeSinceSingle Thu 03-Oct-19 10:35:37

There is a similar thread on here but hopefully some of you can give me some ideas.

My DH is a high earner. His basic is just over 200K and this increases every year. His bonuses are around 100K including cash and shares. He receives a very good company pension, other shares and pays into his own pension too.

We are separating and have 2 DC. We have been together nearly 30, a great deal of this I had to move around internationally following his career at the detriment of my own. I work p/t in a low paid local job so I can do all pickups and drop offs etc.

Moving forward DH is not prepared to look after the DC and is only interested in seeing them EOW. He has told me he is not prepared to change any aspect of his job (travel, commute or hours) to look after them, so that again impacts my ability to find full time work. He is going to move into the city near his work to shorten his commute and put an hour and a half journey between us.

He has said he will pay me what the child maintenance calculator says and we don't need to involve anyone else and go 50/50 on assets.

Basically he will be free to live the life of a single parent, have loads of money and no responsibilities. How is this fair exactly?

Under these circumstances would I be restricted to 50/50 and the child calculator payments? I know I need a good solicitor but in order to max my time with them I also need a clear idea of what I think I am entitled to before I walk in there.

Feeling pretty shitty about things and would appreciate a bit of guidance and opinion.

OP’s posts: |
Seapoint2002 Thu 03-Oct-19 10:45:02

Its all done on a needs basis. As he is a high earner and you are having the children nearly all the time the CMS payment will be high. Also taking 50% of assets i would say you will have plenty to meet your needs. IMO unless you did not have enough to meet your needs 50/50 is the most common outcome in court.

Seapoint2002 Thu 03-Oct-19 10:47:20

one more thing. If you get the CMS involved he will have to produce his P60 every year and the payments will be adjusted. If the bonus is pretty much always guaranteed, that will be included as salary in order to work out CMS payments.

LongTimeSinceSingle Thu 03-Oct-19 11:00:35

Every year his bonus gets bigger.
TBH I don't trust him. I understand that after a year he can just pay me the basic CMS rate? I'd rather he paid me this rate straight off and gave me a bigger share in assets and I would use that money for my DCs living expenses. I don't want to be controlled by him in any way. I'd actually rather I worked out the CM until DC turned 18 and took that as part of the asset split. I am also concerned that my DH will go work overseas once single again and we will be left high and dry.

OP’s posts: |
MoominCake Thu 03-Oct-19 11:12:46

Hi Longtime, sorry to hear things are tough for you right now. Your situation reads a lot like mine did with my exH. Definitely get yourself along to a solicitor for proper advice, but happy to share my experience.

We settled on 60/40 in my favour, house sale is progressing now. He gives the minimum he can get away with in maintenance and has our daughter every other weekend. No help in the week with nursery drop offs or anything else. I'm the one that has to down tools at work if she's ill because he has a senior post/travels a lot - believe me I've heard all the excuses! I work full time to pay the enormous mortgage he left me with and full time nursery fees to go with it. Outgoings will reduce a lot though as the house is sold and daughter gets a bit of funding for fees now she's three. I don't have any family close by so I thank my lucky stars for a flexible employer and amazing friends locally. So important to have that support network.

So, solicitor said to me that as part of divorce we ask the court to make a financial order. They'll review what is fair and will take things like length of marriage and pre-separation standard of life into account, as well as the fact you have the burden of responsibility for caring for your children. You will definitely need to take the proper advice, but I wouldn't settle for 50/50 because he says so. I spent a while being very angry and feeling hard done by. Then I got myself together and realised I'm showing my daughter a fantastic example of what a tough working mama looks like and sod him. I was left in the lurch literally overnight, but with a good solicitor on your side and supportive people around you, you're totally capable of handling this. Good luck!

wobytide Thu 03-Oct-19 11:36:46

For the sums involved you need to speak to a solicitor. If the Paying parent earns over £3000 per week then the service advises applying to court for additional maintenance

Mclibby Thu 03-Oct-19 12:14:43

Basically he will be free to live the life of a single parent, have loads of money and no responsibilities. How is this fair exactly?

A job paying the amount he earns probably comes with a lot of responsibility and stress so it's not like he's got his feet uip watching telly all day. Plus he's got the kids half the weekends. Doesn't sound that easy to me.

LongTimeSinceSingle Thu 03-Oct-19 12:40:44

Would a court consider a request for larger share/ less maintenance?
I don't want to be under his control as he will use it as a threat.
Also my DH cannot commit to EOW. His travel often covers weekends and is very sporadic. I would have to be very flexible on when he could have them to fit his job. He often goes away for 2 weeks at a time.

OP’s posts: |
LongTimeSinceSingle Thu 03-Oct-19 12:44:27


My DHs job is endless lunches and dinners, first class travel and boys club in the city. He doesn't do a single thing for my DC. My social life won't even extend to EOW as he won't be able to maintain that.

I'm well rid of the wanker. But I don't want us to be broke. I don't actually want anything for myself. I just want my DC to be alright.

OP’s posts: |
Mclibby Thu 03-Oct-19 12:58:24

I'd take a little local job and hanging out with my kids over the big city/travelling job any day. And I've done both so I am speaking from experience. Just thought it might help you be happier with your situation if you could see his lot wasn't so great.

Pilchardsky Thu 03-Oct-19 13:03:03

Of course he wants 50/50! Get a solicitor involved as you will get the majority of any equity and loads of his pension.

LongTimeSinceSingle Thu 03-Oct-19 13:07:41

Me too McLibby. I get what you are saying.

The reason for our split though is because DH thinks family life is boring and he wants to go out more after work with workmates, more travel. He loves the corporate buzz. We are an inconvenience to this. Honestly, this is his reason.

OP’s posts: |
Teddybear45 Thu 03-Oct-19 13:11:02

Get legal advice. This isn’t about what’s fair but what is right for the kids. In this situation you should be entitled to a Majority share of all his assets, from house, savings, investments, share plans, and pensions.

katmarie Thu 03-Oct-19 13:15:54

I think as a starting point you need to know what 'enough' looks like for you and the kids. You'll need to house them and you, cover the vast majority of their and your day to day costs and care, and manage this way until they leave school, and then possibly support them through university too. So make sure what you ask for takes that all into account. For example if you're going for a maintenance agreement, should it end when the child turns 18, or when they finish alevels/equivalent? Will your work hours/pay/earning potential increase in this time? You also need to address the fact that your lower paying job means you will have less pension pot, so make sure your long term financial future is considered. You also need to be clear on what the total asset pot is. Property, shares, investments, pensions etc, do you trust him to disclose everything? And does 50% of the pot allow for all of the above needs to be covered? Bearing in mind his earning potential far outstrips yours, if 50% of the existing assets is not enough then you would need to make a case for a greater split. But work out what you and the kids need to live in a reasonable manner, and make that your starting point with your solicitor, who should be able to guide you from there.

HRMumness Thu 03-Oct-19 14:54:02

I would definitely aim for more than 50/50 if you have sacrificed your career to support his. Often the starting point can be 70/30 with a high earner / SAHM or PT role mother who will be doing the bulk of the care going forward. Don't forget the pension, this can be significant with a high earner. Also, make sure maintenance is paid until they finish their first degree at university - even if it has to be paid directly to the children.
Don't think of it as being unfair to him, think of it as protecting yourself and your children. Sadly I am just finishing divorcing my high earning ex, who I sacrificed my own (well paid) career for to raise our two children.

LongTimeSinceSingle Thu 03-Oct-19 17:54:12

I am not thinking of being fair to him at all. I don't give a shit about him. I don't care if he ends up on the street. He deserves it. He's utterly selfish and a piss poor excuse of a man.

OP’s posts: |
GetRid Thu 03-Oct-19 20:11:21

He sounds like a tosser.

You really, really need a good solicitor to ensure you get what you are due. Ignore what he says.

Poolbridge Thu 03-Oct-19 21:49:45

Yes, ignore what he says and see a good solicitor - chambers recommended and/or as recommended on the Legal 500 list.
As the parent with largely sole child responsibility I understand you are entitled to ~ 65-70% assets, and given his salary much more than what the government calculator provides.
Don’t let him push you around re the division of assets. You are entitled to much more than what he is offering.

Weenurse Sat 05-Oct-19 02:21:48

He will lose his family now and then find the grass is not greener later as his work mates mature and settle down.
He will probably end up a lonely old man.
Make sure he changes his will to leave everything to DC in case he does cohabitation again

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