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Parents divorcing

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lookingforadvice11 Wed 25-Sep-19 20:17:24

Firstly I’d like to say I’m sorry if I shouldn’t be posting here as I am not a mother and I’m not married I’m 21 and I’m just looking for a bit of advice as I have no one I can talk to IRL.

For as long as I can remember my parents have always hated each other, my father took of his wedding ring approx 10 years and I have always known this.

Despite this I had an alright childhood, some days my parents pretended to get along taking us on holidays to Disney and even sometimes teasing each other as if they liked each other. Other days I would have to sit and listen to my parents telling me how much they hated each other. I’m not stupid I’ve seen my dad texting other women and knew exactly what it meant. I always knew it couldn’t go on forever

Two weeks ago we dropped my younger sister at university and that night my dad went out to ‘the pub’ and did not come home until lunchtime the next day having been drinking in town until he got blackout drunk, this resulted in their worst argument yet and my dad decided he had enough and it was over but because my mum won’t agree to a divorce he is going down the two years separation route while living in the same house.

It’s awful. No contact between each other, eating and cooking separate meals etc but because I’m trying to keep the peace it means I’m either eating two meals a night or my mums upset with me for talking to my dad while I have dinner with him because she won’t eat because shes so ‘embarrassed’ about the situation There’s certainly point scoring going on too with my mum who thinks that telling me my dads slept with prostitites will make me take ‘her side’ when really all it does is make me realise she doesn’t care about how I feel.
I’m so upset and I don’t know what to do or how to feel, not really asking for advice really just needed to tell someone what’s going on.

I guess the take away is your kids aren’t your best friends to talk to about the divorce they’re your kids and don’t need to hear all the details.

Sorry to anyone who read all this, it’s helped to write it all down, even in its vastly oversimplified manner.

OP’s posts: |
NSA2103 Wed 25-Sep-19 20:55:10

I'm very sorry to read about what you are going through. I am a parent getting divorced - my children are 8 and 12. I acknowledge that you are older.

I have read two books from Relate: called something like A Healthy Divorce, and Divorcing with Children. £2 each off eBay! Both state that the parents should shield the children from the detail, the arguements etc. You might want to show your parents those two books.

When my wife and I decided to divorce - the reason does not matter, but I was the totally innocent party - I got advice from a good friend of mine whose parents divorced when he was about 15. He said don't do anything that will scar the children. I have strictly followed that advice. It sounds like it's too late for you; I'm sorry.

The best I can suggest is don't take sides, don't feel guilty, talk to close friends, and if necessary seek help from a counsellor. Try to stay strong, and don't "not deal with it" by drinking, drugs or going off the rails. I accept that this may not be easy. A good old friend of mine went seriously off the rails, and it was not pleasant.

I wonder if there are any self help groups you could join. You've done a very wise thing by coming on this forum: that tells me you are preparing yourself well for what lies ahead. That's a good start.

Remember both your parents will be enduring very mixed emotions. Try to be there for them when you need them. And look after your sibling.

If you wish to PM me, that'absolutely fine. I'm a genuine guy who wants to help others, because lots on this forum have helped me (knowingly and unknowingly).

Hope helpful.

TemporaryPermanent Wed 25-Sep-19 21:26:36

You are going through something really tough. What would make your life better, assuming that your parents aren't going to change? In your circumstances I would do anything to move out - what options do you have there? My parents finally split when I was 23 and it wasnt fun but at least I had a happy life living in the worlds crappiest house share grin so it wasnt all in my face. If you cant move out fully yet, would a family member or friend have you to stay for a bit? But I would do whatever you can to get out of there.

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