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Can I ask my ex to not entertain new partners in a house I still pay the full mortgage for?

(30 Posts)
tyhopho Fri 20-Sep-19 19:26:25

I was the one to move out of the house earlier this year. We jointly own it. Her income is not that stable but is enough to cover day to day expenses for her and the kids so to ensure that the house is never under threat I am paying the full mortgage on top of my own rent elsewhere to ensure stability.

I've started seeing someone recently and thought it would be best to inform her so that if she or the kids see us walking together in the area or at the shops this will not be a shock. She refuses to say whether she is dating or not. I am uncomfortable of the idea of her bringing partners round to the house whilst I still pay for the mortgage. I have asked if she is willing to respect this and she refuses to do so. There is little I can do but I am keen to know if I am in the wrong by asking her not to host partners at the house when the kids are out.

OP’s posts: |
LemonAddict Fri 20-Sep-19 19:27:36

Yes you are in the wrong.


pumkinspicetime Fri 20-Sep-19 19:29:10

Honestly this is just silly.
Your financial arrangements need to be separated from your current dating arrangements.

Windydaysuponus Fri 20-Sep-19 19:29:37

Send an invoice to the overnight guests.
Local hotel rates...

MLMsuperfan Fri 20-Sep-19 19:29:49


HeddaGarbled Fri 20-Sep-19 19:30:35

Of course you are wrong. You’re allowed to date, but she isn’t? Or she’s allowed to date but must never allow her boyfriend into her home? Don’t be ridiculous.

GCAcademic Fri 20-Sep-19 19:30:52

Oh, sure, your money gives you complete control of her. You should get a chastity belt put on her just to be sure.

SquirrelsInJune Fri 20-Sep-19 19:33:18

"She refuses to say whether she is dating or not."

That's because it's none of your business anymore.

"I am uncomfortable of the idea of her bringing partners round to the house whilst I still pay for the mortgage."

Your discomfort is not her problem. You own a share of the house, not a share of your ex.

ChicCroissant Fri 20-Sep-19 19:33:23

Is this a reverse? Otherwise it is hard to understand why you would think that was a reasonable idea?

Houseworkavoider Fri 20-Sep-19 19:35:14

That would be disgustingly controlling...

Karwomannghia Fri 20-Sep-19 19:36:05

You’re paying the mortgage, not for ownership of your ex. Sounds like you’re not over her yet and are finding any excuse to prevent her from seeing other men.

AppropriateAdult Fri 20-Sep-19 19:36:37

You’re not “uncomfortable” at the idea of her having a new partner in the house you pay for. You just don’t like it, because you think she should be abjectly grateful to you for keeping a roof over her head (and those of her children). Grow up. If you’ve an issue with the financial arrangements, sort it out properly through mediation or the courts. Leave her dating life out of it.

Whatwillhappentomorrow Fri 20-Sep-19 19:36:51


Just because you still pay the mortgage gives you no right to have a say in her personal life.

Chances are she has contributed more to childcare allowing you to have a career and earn enough to be in your position now.

If the kids are mainly living with your ex during the working week then this is still putting a limit on her earning potential.

You paying the mortgage is the right thing to do. Thinking this gives you control over her personal life is not.

tyhopho Fri 20-Sep-19 19:37:44

Message received - I've definitely got this very badly wrong

OP’s posts: |
squeakybike Fri 20-Sep-19 19:40:28

What the hell have I just read

Savingforarainyday Fri 20-Sep-19 19:43:44

Hang on..... you've been separated less than a year, you've moved on, but your ex isn't allowed to?
Oooh, that's a bit unfair- to both your ex and your current. If you are still bothered about your ex, then honestly, you are not ready for a relationship.

Also, seriously- try and keep your feelings about your ex seperate from the care of your children.
Your ex is living in the house ( I assume) because you both felt it was best for the children. Draw a line around that, and don't use it as a weapon to control your ex. Your children will suffer....

CodenameVillanelle Fri 20-Sep-19 19:45:50

It's her home you ridiculous man! You pay the mortgage because your children live there. You have ZERO right to ANY opinion about who she sees in her home. You absurd, controlling person.

MissSmiley Fri 20-Sep-19 19:57:32

The police told my ex that what you have just suggested is very controlling, only then did he stopped telling me who I could have to visit

stucknoue Fri 20-Sep-19 22:28:22

Unreasonable. You can date but she cannot is basically what you are saying. It is not advisable to rush to introduce children anyway but if you have the kids of course she can have a new man over.

Palaver1 Sat 21-Sep-19 07:20:42

Don’t be silly this is the reason why it’s sometimes best to sell.

Fairylea Sat 21-Sep-19 07:25:10

It’s her home. She can do what she likes!

Bringonspring Sat 21-Sep-19 07:27:25

Did you break up because of your controlling behaviour?

Good that you recognise that you got it wrong though

Happyspud Sat 21-Sep-19 07:28:36

That’s not right OP. Dress it up as you wish but it’s controlling and an abuse of her via finances to even ask.

MrsBertBibby Sat 21-Sep-19 07:29:42

You're a piece of work, aren't you OP. Wow.

Ifeellikedoing Sat 21-Sep-19 07:33:20

You can’t ask her to do that.

But I would sort out separating your finances as soon as possible.

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