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How do I live now my husband has left?

(10 Posts)
PickMyselfUpAgain Sat 14-Sep-19 20:40:23

My husband has left. Over a decade together and our beautiful young children but he's been cheating on me for a year and after much back-and-forth (I kept giving him second changes) it's finally over.

He's treated me terribly this last year, I don't know who he is anymore as he is not the man I married. I'm pretty sure I don't love him anymore as he's trashed that but it doesn't stop it hurting.

I just can't get my head around what life will be like. He's moving in with the OW and I know eventually she'll meet the kids etc. They might even get married and have their own children. I can't bear it. I am fine day to day to day but the future scares the life out of me. I'm trying to take it one step at at time and I know it'll get better but it's just so horrible and sad.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I don't want to talk about this IRL as it's heartbreaking (I have an amazing support network so no issues there) so I guess it's more to get it out than anything.

I'm so sad but not because I'm not with him but just for my dreams of my family's future being trashed.

OP’s posts: |
pointythings Sat 14-Sep-19 21:52:49

You're in shock and grieving, and so your reactions are probably not in your best interest.

Please use your support network. You deserve real life help and support, and people will rally round you. Very few people like a love rat.

On a practical note, try to eat well, sleep well and care for yourself well. The temptation to drink a lot is always there, but don't give in to it. In the long run, it won't help.

Also get your ducks in a row. Get together all the financial information you can. Your STBXH will need to pay his fair share in maintenance for the kids, and there will need to be a split of assets - but you can't trust him to do the decent thing, so you need to be proactive yourself.

Let yourself grieve for what you have lost, give yourself time to heal, build a new life with your DCs. It will take time, but you will get there.

eve34 Sun 15-Sep-19 06:33:09

I can't add anything more that hasn't been said.

You are stronger than you think you are. Just keep doing what you are doing. And it becomes more bearable. You deserve better and you know that. It is the loss of the future you thought you had. And the idea of him playing happy families. It sucks.

Gather support around you. Speak to your gp. Look for charities that do low cost counselling. And keep talking. In time you will care less. But you have to go through this first.

I'm nearly two years down the line. I have days when it is hard. But more meh days now.

DustMyselfOff Sun 15-Sep-19 06:53:55

I am right where you are. No advice, I'm floundering myself, but you're not alone. I am feeling exactly as you are and it is so so shit.

ComeOnGordon Sun 15-Sep-19 07:18:46

You are grieving for the life you imagined but you need to see that that your life will be better without that cheater in it. You are free to stop worrying where he is or who he’s with - he’s not your problem anymore.

And the OW probably thinks she’s won - she hasnt you’ve won!! She’s stuck with a man who happily cheated on his wife so she’s now got all the worry that he’s going to do it to her and you’re free.

I promise it’ll get easier - I’m nearly 2 years down the line from finding out & my life is so much better & happier. The kids are happy too - I encourage them to have a relationship with him (Altho it’s not much since he’d rather spend time with the OW) & I keep all the bad mouthing of him for my friends.

Your future has changed but it’s up to you now to make it into whatever you want it to look like

PickMyselfUpAgain Sun 15-Sep-19 07:43:04

Thank you for replying. It's good to hear from those that have been through this and out the other side and I'm so sorry that others are going through the same.

It's so unfair.

And yes, I'm sure she feels like she's won but she's welcome to him. And I definitely won't miss the stress of wondering who he's messaging and where he's been.

I know it'll get better in time. It just scares me so much. And I've been here before (three times) and ok, the first time was a complete bolt out of the blue so I was ruined and in pieces but the second was more anger and the third time I felt fine and really strong. It just confuses me why now I'm so heartbreakingly sad?? I wish I hadn't taken him back the third time but I did for some reason?

OP’s posts: |
mamamiaow Sun 15-Sep-19 10:45:08

I really feel for you. I’m separating too and it’s incredibly difficult. We haven’t told the family yet. And not many friends know. So are putting on a front till we get living arrangements sorted out. The thing is I feel so sad and lonely about it and now wondering why we are doing this. We get on well, just not as lovers, I suppose. I feel sick to the stomach, cannot focus and cannot sleep. It’s really an awful time. I am struggling. But it will get better with time. I know this.

HRMumness Sun 15-Sep-19 10:59:30

My STBXH left at the start of the year for another woman. It’s been awful so totally get what you are going through. Read Chump Lady. Some days my kids and I are happy but other days it feels so unfair.

PickMyselfUpAgain Sun 15-Sep-19 21:05:29

OMG Chump Lady is literally describing my life recently! Scary!

OP’s posts: |
Ss770640 Wed 25-Sep-19 20:12:32

Read the cheaters charter on chump lady website. It will lift your blues.

Your situation is only temporary.

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