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To scared to leave partner

(6 Posts)
Keey Thu 12-Sep-19 17:24:50

I would really appreciate any advise..i have a 1 year old who i do the majority with due to a lazy partner. My partner has always been a binge drinker and since the birth of our baby this has got worse. After many alcohol fuelled nights and hangovers(he is not able to lift a finger the next day)a handful of splits where i dont want to come back and live like this, but i do because i know how difficult he will make things for me and childcare arrangements, im at breaking point. After each split he suddenly demands to see his child daily, needs to be there for bedtime and mealtimes, has to have the baby for a whole day and overnight(but rarely settles him during night) accuses me of splitting the family and not wanting to give him a chance. He lies, drinks at home, promises the world, promises never to do it again, sometimes i feel is emotionally blackmailing me. He admitted to a drink problem and attended AA for 5 weeks then continued the drinking as believed he was handling it. I am on a hamster wheel believing he will stop the binges and is sorry but then we are back in the same situation after hes done it again. I have given endless chances and tried keep our little family together thinking its best. I am tpo scared to leave as i know he will try to take my child away from me to punish me. Its to much like hard work the day to day dad duties for him otherwise. I really worry what kind of environment and influences him and his family will have over my child if i left. His family know about his drinking but it doesnt seem a problem to them. Its just me and my family that think this is wrong. Any advise on what i should do or expect if i did leave. Thanks

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Tiddleypops Fri 13-Sep-19 06:09:39

You sound so worn out. Sending hugs 🤗
I'm divorcing an alcoholic and some of the things you've mentioned really resonated with me. I spent too long thinking it was better to stay with him, despite being totally run down, doing everything, putting up with the booze and the hangovers.

Have you thought about going to Al-anon? Like AA but for us, family, relatives, friends of alcoholics. You would honestly be welcomed with open arms. I couldn't believe it when I went to my first meeting and found people talking about my life!
It's ok to put yourself first. Can your family put you up for a while?
His priority is the booze, not taking your child. My H is full of threats when he's in his deepest denial but now, the more and more detached I become from his chaotic world, the more crazy he seems and it's all defensive talk. Even if he tried to take your child away it would be way too much effort. Alcohol is his priority, not you, not his child.
Go to your family. Don't go back. His alcohol issues are his to fix, and your child will be better off out of that atmosphere.

Keey Fri 13-Sep-19 08:29:42

Thank you for your reply. Yes i have support from my family but we own a property together and previously i leave and then he stays here, its then a mess, unclean and full of takeaway boxes. I feel its me having the upheavel and hassle all the time. He wont go though if i asked! He doesnt think he has an issue. I have been advised about that, but tbh feel like i would be laughed at as he is not drinking as much as what some people i have read about. But wen he is on a binge the amount is dangerous, as well as other substances i think but cant prove.He has alcoholics on both sides of his family and has been to the dr admitting he cant stop wen he is out. You start to believe what they say and the excuses dont you, it starts to make sense until you leave i suppose

OP’s posts: |
Tiddleypops Fri 13-Sep-19 09:47:30

Honestly, if you went to Al-anon you would absolutely not be laughed at. I felt the same - my H was a 'functioning' alcoholic, ie had a job, can easily pretend to the outside world everything is OK. But it isn't, and you know it isn't. Home life is the first thing to slide for alcoholics, but as long as they have someone else there colluding with them ,tidying up after them, smoothing it over, they can get away with it. No more. You don't have to do it. You really don't.

In my Al-anon group, there are people who are living with 'functioning' alcoholics (one has a v good job), there is one guy whose wife died many years ago, but he still comes. There are people whose partners don't drink anymore but they still come. Honestly, you qualify and no one would ever laugh at you, I promise xx

With regard to the house and finances, it could be worth you seeing a solicitor. You can get a free 30 min consultation with many (and you can go to more than one), just to see what your rights are and how to proceed with the house side of things. My local women's aid branch also had a solicitor come once per week who you could book a free appointment with. It was a woman, who specialised in difficult things like this so made me feel really at ease.
Please don't feel trapped. You don't have to be stuck.

Tiddleypops Fri 13-Sep-19 09:49:35

And yes you get caught up in their denial. They are experts at it, and I mean really gold standard experts. Addicts can argue that the sky is orange so well that you start to think you are mad for ever thinking it was blue (it def is not orange 😂)

Keey Fri 13-Sep-19 10:39:48

Thank you so much you dont know much i appreciate your supportive words. Good idea re solicitor

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