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Carrying a DH

(15 Posts)
Yiddytod Sun 08-Sep-19 21:25:50

Compared to other's stories this seems so very trivial a reason to split up.a family but I'm at my wits end.

I feel like my DH does nothing to contribute to our family - yes he works and takes the bins out and sometimes loads the dishwasher but that is really it. He takes no real responsibility for anything else - i cut the grass, trim the hedge etc. It is like he just doesn't see the bigger picture and get that larger things need to happen. He is a procrastinator and perfectionism which even if he does realise something needs done, or I ask him, it rarely does it due to not having the perfect tool or is done so slowly it never gets properly done. He can't see reality and get someone on (cue flat screen t.v. sitting on floor for 9 mths and 3 different wall brackets bought). He seems to get completely overwhelmed incredibly easily and would love in chaos when a couple of hours of sorting things out ( his study) would make life much better.

I'm finding the resentment I feel at carrying our whole family increasingly toxic and that rather than asking I have to instruct him with harsh threats to get anything done.
I work full time too - i get up at the crack of dawn to do so - and am beginning to hate him for it.

This seems a bit trivial though to break up a family.

OP’s posts: |
Sisterlove Sun 08-Sep-19 22:42:11

Does he know you feel this strongly about it? To the point of seperation or divorce.

madcatladyforever Sun 08-Sep-19 22:47:23

It isn't trivial at all OP. My marriage broke up primarily because of this. I'm the main wage earner and my ex did fuck all except moan about not enough sex all the time.
I did all of the house, the very big garden, the car and finances and took the mental load for everything.
After 20 years of this I'd had enough and it's such a massive relief to be rid of him.
How dare these entitled twats think we are some kind of servant fire. It makes me rage.

SunshineAngel Sun 08-Sep-19 22:47:44

It might seem trivial, but when you're responsible for so much, day in and day out, and see other people not pulling their weight, it really does get to you. More often than not, small things building up like this are exactly why people divorce.

It was the same with my partner, and I let it build up to the point that I completely broke down, as I was just so so tired, didn't have any time to myself, and felt like everything was on my shoulders.

He was astonished at why I hadn't spoken to him about it. He says he will do anything I ask him to do, but he just doesn't see that things need to be done like I do (I think there is some truth in this). Ever since, I have been asking him to do this, and he has always done them with no complaint.

I admit that I hate it as it feels like I nag, but he honestly doesn't mind, he just does it.

If you talk to him about it and still nothing changes, then IMO that's quite selfish, as nobody should knowingly put their partner under so much pressure when they could easily help them.

Span1elsRock Sun 08-Sep-19 22:48:33

Being unhappy and carrying the full mental load isn't trivial flowers

I went through a really miserable patch with DH and did actually end our marriage over it. 6 months apart from me and the DC was the wake up call that 15 years of moaning failed to acheive. Getting back together, our relationship was on equal footing and not on his terms and with me seething with resentment. Today he didn't want to mow the lawns (haven't been done for 2 weeks) so I put the ironing back in its basket, turned off the tea I was cooking and sat down too. He soon shifted his arse when he realised it was toast for his tea like Friday night when he didn't want to do anything ..................

Actions speak louder than words IMO. Only you can decide how drastic you are prepared to be. But staying as you are will destroy you.

thatsnotmycateither Sun 08-Sep-19 22:50:40

I divorced for similar reasons. A friend asked me what he added to my life / how he made it better than being single. I couldn't think of anything. He didn't do anything acutely wrong but it wasn't a partnership- it was like an extra child, albeit a generally well behaved one.

Does he bring anything positive to your life?

Mishappening Sun 08-Sep-19 22:51:47

Been there, done all that; and now he is totally incapacitated and I am having to look after him - and watch our savings go down the drain to buy in help with his care. Life is over for me.

Take the right steps now or you might finish up like me one day.

MorrisZapp Sun 08-Sep-19 22:52:47

I think if you asked most divorced people why they split up, it would be this kind of thing. It's absolutely a valid reason to separate.

KellyHall Sun 08-Sep-19 23:03:12

My first husband was like this and I hadn't realised how unhappy I'd been until he left me for an older woman - presumably more inclined to mother him!

My current husband has wavered down the same path, I spent the first two years of our daughter's life wondering on occasion why we were still together, with the only reason sometimes being that I couldn't pay the bills alone.

Now though, after I had a 4 month chest infection and dh actually saw how exhausted I had become he has made a concerted effort to be more useful and thoughtful. It started with a spa day for me and continues with him doing whatever I ask of him. Even if it's sometimes not done as timely as I'd like, it's certainly done a lot less grumpily than before.

I don't think men see things the same way as we do and in my experience will be more than happy to leave everything for someone else to do until they realise they could be part of a effective and loving team.

Yiddytod Mon 09-Sep-19 05:12:55

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. To answer a few questions- yes he knows how i feel and he knows that i resent him deeply. I have shouted at him many times and he knows that i feel like I am carrying him like 3rd child.

We've been together 25 years but over 10 years of solid child rearing has brought all this to a head.

He often throws back at me that i give him no say - that he doesn't get listened to and that his options aren't considered/ he's an after thought in our family and has been for a long time. I tell him that by his lack of actions/ contribution he has made himself basically irrelevant.

This is centred on his lack of getting shit done in the house / knowing what is going on but also his lack of any get up and go means that it is me that largely me that makes anything that isn't work / school happen. He can be quite pessimistic so it is also me that has to inject the positivity into the house for the dc.

It's bad isn't it. I'm struggling to see a way back from feeling like this.

He is just away for the best part of two weeks with work and i know i won't really miss him - apart from having to do the bins and tidy the kitchen a bit more and getting dc out in the morning. He never cooks or thinks about or buys the shopping or does laundry, all the big tedious daily stuff, so my life goes on pretty much unchanging I stopped thinking of us as a partnership and team a long time ago.

OP’s posts: |
boringornot Mon 09-Sep-19 08:43:11

He often throws back at me that i give him no say - that he doesn't get listened to and that his options aren't considered/ he's an after thought in our family and has been for a long time. I tell him that by his lack of actions/ contribution he has made himself basically irrelevant. --> exactly the same in my house. It's not that I "isolated him." He MADE HIMSELF IRRELEVANT. I told this to my STBXH soooooo many times, but he chooses to ignore it.

SpringerLink Mon 09-Sep-19 09:41:59

As others have said, this is not at all trivial. It's exactly the reason why I am currently divorcing my husband.

In our case, 2+ years of couples counselling did nothing to change the way he behavied, and he just became entrenched in the view that it was all my fault because I was too negative about him and failed to appreciate him enough.

The only reason I'm posting, reall, is that along the way my DH was diagnised with ADHD (and your description of your DH's behaviour follows a lot of the reasons that my DH was diagnised). Unfortunately, in our case he wasnt motivated to do anything about it. but it might be worth thinking about or discussing for you.

MumUndone Mon 09-Sep-19 10:00:03

Having to 'manage' one's husband and therefore having a job at home as well as at work is exhausting. Why should you carry the mental load of having to 'notice' things that need doing and to instruct accordingly?

waterSpider Mon 09-Sep-19 11:00:06

Read this?

I particularly liked this bit:
"But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of."

Dacquoise Mon 09-Sep-19 14:46:34

Hi Yiddytot,

I hate to be pessimistic but if he knows how you feel and he's done nothing about it for all your marriage then he isn't going to change. There's not motivation for him is there?

I had nearly twenty years with a passive aggressive twat that would agree to do things, then not do it. Made me so angry, depressed and exhausted.

Fast forward, got rid of him, sorted out my life and found a new partner who cannot do enough for me, strives for equality in the crappy household tasks and is just, easier to be with.

I feel for you but there is life out there. Not every man is a total burden. You have made the right decision and just need the right support to get there.

Good luck

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