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Struggeling - feeling overwhelmed as divorce looms

(5 Posts)
Finklewinkle Sun 08-Sep-19 13:18:07

So, I guess I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My DH is soon to move out of the family home and has signed the divorce papers. I posted on here a while ago unsure of what to do as effectively he downed tools after we got married (physically, emotionally and support wise) and this got even worse after our son was born, when he became very angry with me at points. I pushed for us to separate after a year of trying to get him to seek help and talk to me. And a year of feeling like a very lonely single parent at the mercy of someone else’s mood swings. Now it feels like we’re both consumed with sadness as we look to move apart in the next week or two. Our son absolutely adores his Dad and is only little so I am consumed with guilt about separating the family. This has not been an easy decision and there is no doubt my husbands behaviour has been beyond unreasonable. It got to the point in the last two weeks where the stress started affecting me physically with very bad IBS and that left me unable to care for my son, who is only a toddler, as I should. Being physically ill has really been a real blow to my confidence. I was signed of work and I’m overwhelmed at the thought of going back. It is a very udemanding job and I work four days a week. I normally love my work but at the moment with everything else going on (including some sleepless nights depending on the state of my soon to be ex) I’m not sure I can face it. This concerns me as my colleagues are brilliant but I hate the fact I feel flakey and unable to give 100% to work right now.
Basically, there’s just a whole lot of emotions and turmoil not to mention a huge dose of guilt and sadness going on right now! My husband is not a bad man. He knows he’s let us all down which in a way makes it harder because I wonder if I’ve been too hasty leaving him.
I would really appreciate any words of wisdom or advice particularly anyone who has been through a seperation with a very young child. I have tried to be strong for so long but hate feeling like I’m unravelling a bit. Thank you. Last time you guys were wonderful with advice and support! Also I should say I have had some counselling but feel like something like CBT might be more useful.

OP’s posts: |
ShippingNews Sun 08-Sep-19 13:28:55

I would certainly recommend going back to work as soon as you can, OP. I know you feel overwhelmed, but your work will be very important to you as time goes on . Especially as you say you love it there - you need that stability which work will give you ( and the income of course ).

Look for some more counselling, or CBT if that appeals to you . Either way, you'll find some support and help to overcome your negative feelings.

Once your ex has left the house you'll be able to move ahead - it's only natural that you're feeling awful at the moment, with him being there all this time. Now it has got to the "point of no return" so you feel panicky . Keep in mind that you are separating for a reason , and that those reasons are valid now, as they were before.

Your little boy will get used to the "new normal" as time goes on. Being so young, he will be OK as long as he has you. And if he sees his father regularly he'll be fine, honestly. Good luck .

Thehagonthehill Sun 08-Sep-19 13:49:34

Try and arrange CBT if you can.
It will be a lot less stressful when he's gone and you can set up your own routines and ways of running the house.You want be walking on egg shells
The sadness is usually for all the plans you had together and the future as.family.It gets better and easier,promise.
Your son will be fine as long as he feels loved,this will become his new norm.
Take mor time off work if you need it,personally I liked being somewhere where I was valued,my personal confidence took a high blow in my relationship.
Accept your colleges support,they will be OK if you take time to adjust.

Finklewinkle Sun 08-Sep-19 20:27:48

Thank you both for your well thought out replies and sorry for the delay in responding. I think like you say work is a positive really - I’m just feeling overwhelmed at the moment - but to try and keep some normality would be good - and yes, def, the income is very much needed too!
CBT really worked for me a long time ago and I definitely think that would be good to revisit if I can.
What you both say is correct - I’m wavering because it’s all very real now and I guess just processing a lot of ‘what ifs’. But the reality is I have given so many opportunities and chances for my husband to try and get help and make amends but he keeps choosing not to. But when he’s not drinking and isn’t angry he is a different person. The problem is not knowing when those times will be. Thank you for replying and taking the time to offer your advice. I needed to hear what you said and it has helped so much. It’s been a really awful couple of weeks but onwards and upwards 🙏🏻 Xx

OP’s posts: |
Thehagonthehill Mon 09-Sep-19 12:15:29

It really will start to get better once you are not living together .I had a kind of knot in my stomach the whole time and a feeling of not breathing deeply because you don't know how the mood will be and if good how long it will last.That goes too.
You will have wobbles but the decrease over time.

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