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How do you cope with the OW

(26 Posts)
VivaVegas Thu 05-Sep-19 16:28:03

After over a year of lying, deceiving and making me out to be a crazy, paranoid psycho it's out there and much as deep down I knew, it wasn't until he admitted it.
Now I just can't get the thought of them together out of my head, that they are happy, laughing at me and will have a great life ahead while I will be sad and lonely.
That I have just been replaced like a commodity after 20 years of marriage. That they are doing what we used to do together. That she has stolen my life.
She's younger than me so I also now feel old, ugly and unwanted and up until this I quite liked me.
I hate it now when he rings the DC from her house in the evening, hate the fact she might be listening to calls that have naff all to do with her. Hate the thought that she might get involved in their lives.
I have lots of support, I have hD lots of counselling throughout the hell he has put me through and have more booked.
I have adjusted and can cope better with other things but not this. The anger and rage I have for him and for her is just eating me up.
I know I need to stop thinking about them, to stop caring but I'm finding it so hard.
They both cheated and lied, I just want it to all go horribly wrong for them now reality kicks in, not because I want him back but because I'm suffering and I want them to as well.
Before all this I was a normal, rational human being with minimal hate for anyone.
I hate what's its done to me as well, but I think a year of emotional stress has taken its toll.

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Thu 05-Sep-19 17:57:53

It will get easier in time. You have been betrayed in the worst possible way by the person you trusted the most. It hurts. And you have every right to be angry. It fades in time. He is no prize and you know that. And she knows that

Just try to live the best life you can. Fake it to start with. Make plans, go out do hobbies and volunteer. Meet new people and build a new life for yourself.

Be kind to yourself it takes time but it will pass

PicsInRed Thu 05-Sep-19 21:52:40

He'll fuck her over too - but don't wait to see. Get your hair done, join a hobby, do whatever you want to do, whatever will make you happy.

Go out and live.

You're the prize, he's a twat. You get to hang out with you every day and he's stick with himself forever. 🎉

PicsInRed Thu 05-Sep-19 21:54:54

And that excruciating physical pain really does pass until thinking about him feels neutral, like remembering some twat you used to work with. You'll get there, promise. flowers

VivaVegas Thu 05-Sep-19 22:52:28

I'm doing all those things, I'm busy, but I can't help obsessing over them and how he can just replace me with her after so long. I thought we would grow old together.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Fri 06-Sep-19 11:02:55

I thought we would grow old together.

In time you'll come to realise what a grim prospect that really was.

VivaVegas Fri 06-Sep-19 15:19:35

I guess at the moment I just can't see that as it's been my life for over 20 years and I had no reason to doubt his integrity.

OP’s posts: |
Feelingfree Fri 06-Sep-19 16:06:41

Three years ago I could have written exactly the same post. As others have said it will get easier in time. At least you have found out now what a twat he is and not wasted any more of your life with him.

Even now I cannot forgive them but I hardly ever think about them. Time is a great healer, and I hated reading that at the time, but it’s true. Now it’s your time to do what you want in life - you are free.

His life will not be as happy as you are imaging in your head. When these thoughts pop up try and distract yourself and change your thoughts. I used to dwell for ages and it did me no good. You will get through this x

VivaVegas Fri 06-Sep-19 18:08:55

It's good go hear others have felt this way.

Not helped by him telling me I'm angry and bitter and I just need to get over it!

I hope his life is not a bed of roses for or all the hurt and pain he has caused.

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Fri 06-Sep-19 20:01:56

It makes him feel better to believe you are those things.

That you are in the wrong. The. Bad person

My ex thought he would get a pat on the back for being brave and calling it a day. He wasn't prepared to see the hurt and chaos. He just kept saying it is all for the best. And yes it will be in the long run. But there was some way to go to get there.

In the meantime he lives in a rented flat share above a shop (which has a rat problem). Bailiffs. Ccjs. Lost his job. His car and one dc has gone no contact. Oh and apparently he hates his life.

Even though all that has happened I'm still sad, it wasn't what I wanted and I feel For the children and how this has and will impact them moving forward.

Life has away of being ok. There isn't any other option. Just keep looking ahead. Ow has no prize. A man who has no loyalty or morals is not a person I want by my side.

CBradshaw Thu 12-Sep-19 21:50:18

My husband and I have recently split and he has now got together with someone who I thought was a friend. I feel similar to you, although I don't know how I'd feel if he had actually cheated on me. That must really hurt.
On my good days I realise that although they probably seem happy, they are in the exciting 'honeymoon' period. It won't be long before he and/or she realises the grass isn't greener. I can't wait for karma to work it's magic though!

Don't feel bad for the way you feel, go with it. Have more counselling and eventually you will work through it. Hugs

VivaVegas Fri 13-Sep-19 11:28:18

Thanks, I have a counselling session today and really need it!

OP’s posts: |
Jonsnowsghost Fri 13-Sep-19 11:39:29

Although on a much smaller time frame (not together as long and he had only known her for one day before deciding that he wanted to be with her over me...) I feel exactly the same way. The feelings of being replaced, and thinking of how much happier he must be with her really drag me down and the pain is excruciating. Like you I'd also like him to feel the same pain and am waiting for karma! He also told me I needed to "move on and let him go" like it was the easiest thing in the world hmm
However, I will say, I am doing better. There is no time frame on how long it will take to get over him and I know it will probably take me a long time (it's been three months, but the nature if it and how it was completely out of the blue are skewing everything!) But I am doing much better than I was a few months ago, and you will too smile
Counselling is a good idea, i went to my first session yesterday and it did help. Stay strong, you are not alone and men are shit!

Elieza Fri 13-Sep-19 12:04:18

Counselling will really help and, one day in the future, you will be with some nice, trustworthy hot guy and see you ex in the street with his tart and realise that you are the one who has the best life. And then you will feel sorry for him and laugh at how you thought he was the best you could get. And squeeze your boyfriends hand and smile at each other and continue up the street to the cafe....... the end. smile

It just takes time. You will get there. Your life is just beginning. flowers

WWlOOlWW Fri 13-Sep-19 12:13:20

Perfectly normal feeling. 5 years ago for me after 12 yrs together. I have no anger about his affair left .. but I'm still bloody angry that he doesn't see or financially provide for his son.

Lifewillgetbetterforyou Fri 13-Sep-19 12:23:57

Really good you are having counseling op
This happened to my mom and several years later she met my now step father. They are soul mates and she has an amazing life now. I wish you the same

Cantsleep22 Fri 13-Sep-19 13:32:54

Exactly the same situation over here. He left for space 6 weeks ago and never came back. If I hadn't found out he’d been cheating with a woman from work I would still be none the wiser! When he left for space he said he didn’t want things to get messy. Now I know what he meant by that! I am consumed by thoughts of them together. I sit on WhatsApp for him to come online and then wait to see her come online to reply to him. It’s not healthy! I have a mum tum, she has no kids. I am on maternity leave so have no income, she has a high flying career. I am living in the big family home that will soon be sold for god knows what, she has her own house that he can visit whenever he likes. The comparisons go on. The thoughts consume me most at night when the kids are asleep and I am alone imagining them in bed together. I feel psychically sick at the thought of another woman with my husband. I have counselling too on Monday and can’t wait for this feeling to go away. It’s the worst possible grief imaginable. Hang in there, I’m right there with you 💕

Jonsnowsghost Fri 13-Sep-19 14:03:22

Those thoughts about what they are doing together and how happy they must be now really depress me, it's awful and I think about it all the time sad it's hideous. I've now stopped stalking online statuses on whatsapp, he's very very similar to what he did with me which is talk constantly to her throughout the day then not speak to anyone when he's with her so I was driving myself crazy knowing that he was with her at weekends/on evenings etc. I had to stop because it was hurting constantly knowing he was with her sad

VivaVegas Fri 13-Sep-19 15:54:03

Whilst I'm sad that others are suffering as I am and doing the online monitoring I'm glad it's not just me.
I just want to not care about them and their relationship built on lies and want it to all come tumbling down for them.
And I am so not normally a nasty or vindictive person so I also hate what this has done to me.

OP’s posts: |
Jonsnowsghost Fri 13-Sep-19 16:48:09

Viva I know exactly how you feel. I want it all to come tumbling down on them too just so he can feel the pain he's put me through, and I'm normally a nice person too! This has literally made me a shadow of myself and it's so unfair that he can be off being happy with a new relationship whilst I feel like this.

Cantsleep22 Fri 13-Sep-19 17:05:54

So good to know these thoughts and feelings are normal. I am literally consumed by this all day. When does it start to become easier? I am 6 weeks in. Sometimes I think actually I’m ok then something reminds me and makes me sad again. It makes it harder keep having to see him 3 times as week because of dc

BloodyhellMartha Fri 13-Sep-19 17:14:54

It honestly will get better. I am 20 odd years past divorce now - and honestly, my predominant thought is that I am utterly grateful I am NOT growing old with him.

We had children together, there was another woman - and he is still with her. Younger than me, all the cliches.

But... I have another partner of 19 years who I utterly adore and who is kind, lovely, dependable and we have so much fun. DCs have little to do with their dad now they are grown, but love DSD.

Ex-H looks old, worn out and miserable on the odd occasions I see him. His DW has a chronic health condition, and I basically feel very sorry for her. I understand he is not particularly kind to her, or helpful. My DC are quite appalled by how selfish he is when they visit.

It will get better. flowers. Give it time.

BloodyhellMartha Fri 13-Sep-19 17:17:57

On timings I think 2 years is a good broad outline. They say it takes 2 years to move on from bereavement on average, and that's what you need to give yourself. TIme to grieve for the dead relationship.

It will gradually get easier week by week, month by month. I found by 2 years I genuinely just felt indifferent about him.

VivaVegas Fri 13-Sep-19 17:44:46

Yes all the cliches here too, younger than me, he was her boss.

OP’s posts: |
notjustamother Fri 13-Sep-19 18:31:30

I split with my ex 3 months ago, he moved in with a mum from my child's class a few weeks after, they have holidayed together and I have to see her everyday on the school run which has been quite tough but I've found blocking them both on WhatsApp and social media has helped my mentality a lot as I can't see what they are upto and the old mantra out of sight out of mind comes into effect. The hardest thing for me is when the children talk about them both, he has them overnight at hers once a week and once for dinner and the kids just speak about her kids and what they've been upto and I have to say oh great 👍🏻 I try and ignore him as much as possible although he tries to get a rise from me, I count myself lucky as his true colours have shown, I actually don't miss him, just hate the thought of them playing happy families with my children but I need my own time too so trying to be cool with it.

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