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Please hold my hand- feel broken tonight

(9 Posts)
Onabusgoingnowhere Tue 03-Sep-19 19:14:35

After many threads & much angst, I finally told DH that I can’t see any way forward. He initially suggested he rent somewhere to ‘give us some space’ but that it would mean stopping all payments to our kids savings, pension, and basically eating through any other joint savings. Given his history of mind games I think he was trying to panic me.

I stayed calm & said I don’t think removing himself would help resolve matters & all that would happen is that joint money (& more importantly kids money) gets eaten up.

We’ve decided to talk practicalities at the weekend. I just feel broken & sick to my stomach - but no more hurt than all the times he’s gaslighted & hurt me before. Or when he’s threatened divorce to ‘get a reaction’.

But I feel numb, physically sick & frightened. I am so close to begging him that we can save this but it’s taken so much to get this brave. Maybe stupid not brave.

Please help me ladies.

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Tue 03-Sep-19 19:54:49

Just breath right now that is all you need to do. Start some fact finding. Are you working. Would you be entitled to any benefits. What would his child support be. Look for calculators on line.

Look at your out going's can anything be cut. Or reduced.

What is your housing situation. What is a realistic long term plan. Sell and down size? Stay and increase mortgage.

Copy pay slips pension Information debts etc. Get a clear picture where you are financially and how it is going to look moving forward. Throw yourself into practical things will stop you over thinking.

Just go Day to day. And gather good people around you.

Onabusgoingnowhere Tue 03-Sep-19 20:04:58

Thank you so much for replying! Yes, I need to breathe right now.

We have a huge joint mortgage but decent equity in the house so we can sell. Reading your guidance reminded me how prepared I actually am. I have taken initial legal advice a year ago & have copies of most documentation already plus originals of certificates etc. I work full time & my boss is incredible & has supported me amazingly so far. I also have my own savings & family support.

Reading all that back has made me realise I can do this. Its just the emotional side. just need to keep taking it hour by hour if necessary & take all the support I can get (practical & emotional) which includes listening to all you incredible strong women in here. It’s going to be so hard but I know others have done this & so I guess I can too.

OP’s posts: |
weekfour Tue 03-Sep-19 20:09:46

She's right, you can do this. You even have a plan! You're bound to feel sad though and I think that's OK, as long as you realise that sadness doesn't mean it's not the right decision.

Onabusgoingnowhere Tue 03-Sep-19 20:18:53

Thank you. I’m alternating between feeling like my insides have been laid out in the floor but then feeling a sense of reliefwhich shod tell me something. I guess I’m going to run the rollercoaster of emotions over the next few months & will have to get used to this 😕

OP’s posts: |
Onabusgoingnowhere Tue 03-Sep-19 20:19:30

Excuse typos - I’m all over the place.

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Tue 03-Sep-19 20:38:52

Sometimes we all have to make hard decisions. When I split with my dp we lived in the same house. We took turns sleeping on the couch. It was exhausting. We were respectful of each other but both were hurting so we stayed in different rooms or went out.
Then he moved out, which was good, as the thought of him bringing a woman back would have been too much. I would not have brought a man back either.
You are strong and you want a better life. Quite right. We only get one. This bit will be difficult but you re prepared and determined. That’s great. All the best. smileflowers

Onabusgoingnowhere Tue 03-Sep-19 20:56:13

Thank you. Living together will be tough but it’s good to know it can be done. I don’t think either of us would bring anyone else back. I personally don’t think I’ll ever want to look at a man again after this!!

OP’s posts: |
eve34 Tue 03-Sep-19 21:42:13

Sounds like you are prepared practically. Emotionally it is a roller coaster even when you know it is for the best. It is a grieving process. I read somewhere it takes a month for each year you were together to heal. That kinda worked for me.

Look into charities that provide counselling at a low cost. This will give you a safe place to talk and gather your thoughts. Speak to your gp if you think that is helpful. I know it is t for everyone but Mrs got me through the first six months. Just so that I stopped waking at 4am.

Make plans with friends and family. I started volunteering when the children. We're with their father. It gave me a structure and sense of purpose. Until I had adjusted to the new status quo.

You will find your way. Let others help you and keep talking.

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