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Can’t Go On Like This

(11 Posts)
jfh Sun 01-Sep-19 20:00:17

I’m at my wits end, and tonight I finally snapped. My wife has spent the last several months threatening me with divorce on a regular basis. Things have reached a head as she’s threatened me 6 times over the month. Yes, it’s become so frequent that I’ve taken to writing down each and every instance. Most of the time it’s seemingly been completely forgotten by her 24 hours later, but not without me feeling very upset and very insecure with many a sleepless night. She’s threatened me again this evening and this time I snapped...rather than just soak up the brickbats I fired back that I wasn’t going to stand for the constant brinkmanship any more and that I was all set to kick off divorce proceedings. No, our relationship isn’t great but she is permanently stressed at work and lives in a permanent state of semi chaos which adds even more stress. We tried to talk about things, or more specifically her, on a recent holiday but she kept changing the subject so it was a complete waste of time. She didn’t spend much with me as she was often working or sleeping. Our sex life is almost non existent, she is mostly uninterested in me sexually (it didn’t help that i accidentally found out she posted on Mumsnet about this a few years back...I was mortified). She doesn’t want to talk at bedtime and instead buries herself in Netflix.

She blames me for everything, I tried to write to her a few weeks back in the midst of yet another crisis and she threw the whole thing back in my face and told me I was being self indulgent. We had marriage counselling a few ago but she trashed the counsellor so that was the end of that.

I don’t want a divorce but she seems hellbent in it. I don’t want a divorce as no good will come of it for either of us, it will kill me and she will realise that I’m not the cause of her unhappiness. It will be horrendous for our poor kids.

I really don’t know what to do.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sun 01-Sep-19 20:08:57

The horrible example you're both setting of what a marriage is is far more damaging to your children than a divorce could ever be.

You are both absolutely miserable and I assure you your children are well aware of it. Get a solicitor and put an end to this nightmare.

krkw Mon 02-Sep-19 01:22:54

My husband cheated then broke up with me 5 times over the past 2 month. He's stressed with work and other things and I feel like because he has no control of other things in his life he likes having control over the relationship. He always took his bad days out on me and blamed all his problems on me even though he says I couldn't do any more then what I do to help him. I'm in a similar boat as you and I feel your pain.

Palaver1 Mon 02-Sep-19 05:49:33

Your both worth much more than this. It’s over but no ones going to be brave enough to end it . Can you continue in this manner for the next 10 years.
If the answer is no maybe it’s time you had a serious talk.
Counselling or separation with the focus on divorce.

SoUnsettled2 Tue 03-Sep-19 08:46:16

You need to split. Staying together will make things worse.

yellowallpaper Tue 03-Sep-19 10:33:45

Well you've tried all the normal routes to improve the relationship and it hasn't worked, so I think you need to agree with her a divorce is inevitable and start going about it in a way that's least painful to everyone.

PicsInRed Tue 03-Sep-19 11:07:53

No, our relationship isn’t great but she is permanently stressed at work and lives in a permanent state of semi chaos which adds even more stress.

There's some lines to read between.
We've heard all about your wife's deficiencies.
What's your part in this?

Has your wife "threatened" divorce, or is she
actually asking you for a divorce (with you refusing to cooperate)?

If she wants a divorce, you need to accept that it's over - and not work to obstruct the divorce.

jfh Tue 03-Sep-19 12:26:47

I'm no angel (and I don't mean I've been playing away - I absolutely haven't). We argue and bicker over stuff and I have my role to play in that. I keep finding myself apologising for some transgression or other on a regular basis. Given that an apology for any offence I've taken is rare, the abiding impression is that I'm the one always at fault and she is perfect.

I'm certainly not the one announcing divorce every time we have a tiff.

And no, it's not a threat. It's not a "if you keep doing this I will divorce you". It's "That's it, I am leaving you".

And I am not obstructing, its just that nothing happens, and it can all back to sweetness and light 24 hours later. And/or I am grovelling to try to turn things around and then its forgotten.

One of the recent spate of threats/announcements was because I'd apparently said something which was taken completely wrongly, which I told her at the time. Something completely innocent, not even intended as anything negative. It ended up being apparently about me trying to keep the children away from her and with me, which was total nonsense. She sat there and told me how awful I was and that it was all over. I was flabbergasted, I told her that the whole thing was utterly unreasonable and out of proportion - literally, there was no reasoning with this. After about 45 mins I managed to coax her back to have dinner with us. And within 90 mins, it seemed to have been forgotten.

She has got into a pattern of "launching the nukes" at the smallest of incidents. At best maybe this is her feeling unable to make herself heard - I get that. But I can't help feeling it's an attempt to bully me into submission every time she is challenged - and it hard to listen to a bully.

Maybe krkw is right - my wife is incredibly stressed and this is how its manifesting itself.

OP’s posts: |
PicsInRed Tue 03-Sep-19 14:13:31

So she hasn't threatened divorce. She has informed you that she has had enough and wants to separate.

Given what you have said - regardless of whether fault lies with her, you, or split right down the middle - that sounds like an excellent idea.

What would cause her to think you would keep the children from her? What is your position on child arrangements if your separate?

Sicario Tue 03-Sep-19 14:27:16

What a horrible way to live. She sounds hyper-defensive and like she's not coping. How old are the kids? Do you both work? Do you enjoy each other's company usually or is this really a case of tolerating one another under the same roof?

Newchapterstarting Thu 05-Sep-19 10:58:16

You need to google Narcissist. Your wife's behaviour sounds like a classic case of this to me.
Look up a lady called Caroline Strawson (on facebook or her website) and read a few things on there. If what you read rings true then you need to end the relationship for your own sake. And for your kids. As previous people have said, you aren't modelling a good marriage for them and having two separated, happy parents is going to be far better for them in the long run.
Sadly I know this from experience, but a year after leaving my narc ex, I am happier and more stable.
Wish you all the best x

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