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2 yo daughter doesn't want to go with her Dad

(5 Posts)
nats1910 Tue 27-Aug-19 11:31:04

Hi,

just looking for a bit of advice... my first born will be 3 next month, me and her father split whilst I was pregnant. all through the pregnancy he was absent, forgot about appointments then pointed the finger at me saying it was my fault and that I hadn't told him about the appointments. (I had text messages to prove otherwise) then when our daughter was born I allowed him to be around as much as he wanted because I am all for doing the 'right thing' and fathers having a relationship with their children. However on a number of occasions (too many to keep track of) we would make arrangements for him to come and see her but he just wouldn't bother to turn up or would ring hours later blaming me and saying I was stopping him from seeing his daughter, even though the real reason was he would go out and put his friends, beer and the pub before the person that should be his number one priority. he would turn up stinking of booze and sometimes even drunk! That was all going on for a good year and half when he decided to take me to court for access (I was shocked by this as by this point he was actually having his daughter 3 days a week - when he could be bothered to anyway). in the mean time I had his mum at my door screaming and shouting at me telling me im pathetic and alsorts of names - she also barely bothers with my daughter.
He works away 3 weeks at a time, so he does 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off. Whilst away I tried to get him to facetime our daughter so she didn't forget who he was but a lot of the time I wouldn't even get a text message to ask how she was for the full 3 weeks.
so anyway off to mediation and court we go - he obviously lays it on thick with all of the sob stories making me out to be the bad one even though all I had ever done is try and get him to be more present in his daughters life but that's obviously what you get for being a decent person these days.
So it was ruled that our daughter first of all had to go on a weeks holiday abroad with him (she had never at this point stayed out overnight let alone get taken out of the country with someone who wasn't interested in how this would make his daughter feel, he was only bothered about 'winning' if that's would you'd call it?!)

After the holiday we had another court case regarding overnight and what days he could have her ect. It was ruled that he gets her 2 weeks spread out over the 3 weeks he is home.
This caused major distress for our daughter and still does. The states she gets in when her Dad comes for her is horrendous. I have tried to get him to bring her favourite toy from his house to try and help with the handovers asked him to make it fun for her. For a few days before she goes to her dads, me, my partner and the whole family try and make it sound as exciting as possible for her to go. but her dad wont try anything, when he comes to the door he will stand and just say things like 'I'm not having this every time' and 'its no skin off my nose' and 'unfortunately you have to come' now is that really the things to be saying to a 2 year old, let alone your daughter!!! he doesn't care how she is feeling its all about getting one over on me or in his case money. at first he only wanted one night a week until I took him to CSA all of a sudden he wanted as many as possible.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I just wanted to try and give a bit of an insight into whats been happening.
So I suppose my question would be - if there is a court order in place but the child is getting really distraught as she doesn't want to do it - is there anything I can do?!

I know at 2 yo children don't know what they do and know want as such but when it is causing her this distress I don't know what I am supposed to do. I still want her to have a relationship with her father but I want the transition to be as nice as possible for her. and he is obviously not interested in making any effort to help the situation. the courts are supposed to do what in the childs best interest but Im struggling to see how they did that in this case?!

OP’s posts: |
NotBeingRobbed Tue 27-Aug-19 11:38:02

Sounds ghastly. Can a court really order a child who has never slept away from home to go away on holiday? Staggering.

Can you see your GP about her anxiety and the effect of this on her? I don’t have any other ideas. It seems he wouldn’t be bothered except for the financial cost.

nats1910 Tue 27-Aug-19 11:55:31

I didn't think they could - and I was told by my solicitor that it wouldn't be ruled for her to go on holiday too! Crazy!

Yes taking her to the GP is definitely an option. I'll get her booked in, thank you!

He isn't bothered about her feelings at all, it's all about him being selfish.
If her Dads girlfriend picks her up instead of him, 9 times out of 10 she will go without a drama. Or if she goes with anyone else really she doesn't have a problem with leaving me, its only ever him she does it for - there must be a reason for this!?

OP’s posts: |
Missingstreetlife Tue 27-Aug-19 12:05:33

She is very young for all this. Is she ok once she gets to his? Have you any concerns about her care, is he still drinking? Talk to your solicitor about it. Perhaps she picks up tension between you. Can you send her with favourite teddy, meet him out instead of at home, deliver her instead of him picking up...

nats1910 Tue 27-Aug-19 12:24:36

He says she is ok once there but he wouldn't tell me if she wasn't anyway and he doesn't even see an issue with her getting that upset in the first place - which is worrying!
I know he still goes out when he is supposed to have her but with the court order in place there's not a lot I can do - I brought it all up at court and with cafcass and they didn't even acknowledge my worries.
I definitely agree with her picking up on the tension - I have spoke to her father about this and asked him to at least be civil when he comes to collect her and told him we both need to be making her feel at ease as much as possible but he cant drop the attitude for her sake. I have no problem with a little chit chat when he comes to pick her up but he cant do it. I'll try and make conversation about what she has been doing, any new routines, what she's had for breakfast ect and he just stand and doesn't even acknowledge what I'm saying. I think by me telling him what she does at home he thinks im telling him what to do which isn't the case. in some cases he does acutally need to take on board a bit of advice though - for instance, she is now out of nappies at night (only for the past 2 weeks) and when she has been home with me she hasn't wet the bed once so I told him how I handled it and what I did throughout the night and he blatantly ignored the advice and she weed the bed every night at his house.

With regards to sending her with things, she does have a comfort blanket that she takes but he doesn't like her having it because she has a blanket at his - now im all for that if its a comfort for her but the one here she has had since being born so I struggle to see how it would be the same? I have tried dropping her at his house - when I unfastened her carseat, she tried to fasten herself back in as she didn't want to go!

its asif when she goes with him, he wants rid of all evidence of this side of the family and doesn't want any reminders.

im all out of ideas and anything I suggest he doesn't think its necessary - he thinks its fine to let her get in that state every time and blames me for it

OP’s posts: |

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